"A Fistful of Fig Newtons" is a book written by Jean Shepherd. It was published in 1981. As usual, it is a collection of short stories and essays---mostly stories this time. This was my favorite of all four books.
Because each section is its own thing, I am going to break them down for you. Bur first, I should point out that the premise of the book is that Jean Shepherd (as Ralph Parker) is driving through the Lincoln Tunnel in New Jersey. While he is driving in the dark, he reminisces about various things, which becomes the chapters of this book. You always end up back in the tunnel between chapters. It is a very cool way to do this, and it reminds me a lot of how "In God We Trust: All Others Pay Cash" was presented. Anyways, here we go:
"A Fistful of Fig Newtons or the Shoot-Out in Room 303"
A great start! This chapter takes place in college where Ralph, a slob, a jock, and a nerd have a grand ol' time eating fig newtons together. This is followed by a rather shocking laxative-eating contest that ends up extremely gross and messy. It's also good to point out that this entire book was the grossest of the whole set. He just sort of let loose with his humor. I loved this one.
"The Light at the End of the Tunnel"
One of the weaker essays in the book. It is about some sort of giant elephant-shaped building in New Jersey called the Margate Elephant. Skippable.
"The Mole People Battle the Forces of Darkness"
Extremely fun camping trip story starring young Ralph. It showed how camping trips were more about character-building back in the day. By character-building, I mean terrible. Camp counselors were more like boot camp instructors. There was also a treasure hunt held at night, which sounds ridiculously dangerous. The story is still good, and I especially loved that the new kids at camp were all called chipmunks. Major shoutout to the fat chipmunk called Skunk who steals the show by having the unique ability to throw up on anyone who bothers him. Great stuff!
"Marcel Proust Meets the New Jersey Tailgater, and Survives"
Part essay, part narrative story about tailgaters. We all hate them, and Jean Shepard is no exception. This rather insane story goes into the craziness of being trapped between two cars and the wild thoughts that go through his mind as this happens. It was very entertaining!
"The Marathon Run of Lonesome Ernie, the Arkansas Traveler"
This was the first story showing Jean's army days. He was in the signal core apparently. The story takes place in a secure troop train, and he is forced into kitchen duty. It is a rough experience, and I got exhausted just reading about it. The title refers to an attempt by one of the men to sneak off the train while it was stopped to get some beer... but unfortunately doesn't make it back on in time. If you know anything about secure troop trains, that's a terrible thing to happen. Amusing ending though, which I won't spoil here.
"Sociology 101 (Hip Division)"
An essay about van culture. This one got fairly political. If you were around during the 70's and 80's, van culture was a notable thing which came with a few assumptions about the type of person you might be and who you would vote for... the various drugs you might be taking. I know a little about this, because my Dad did some van stuff in my early days. Good essay.
"Lemons on the Grass, Alas"
This one was most certainly a work of fiction. Although it takes place during his military days, the whole thing was very silly. It had to do with people who had bad business accounts. For example, if your account involved lemons then you had to deal with people calling bad cars lemons which besmirched the name of lemons more than the cars. The story went into a whole bunch of products that unfortunately were used to describe things we don't like. Funny, but extremely fictional.
"The Lost Civilization of Deli"
This could possibly be considered Jean Shepherd's only science fiction story. It takes place in the far flung future after all the humans have died out. The main characters in this are either super advanced humans or aliens. I had trouble figuring this out. Either way, they are investigating our modern humanity, but all they are finding are TV commercials. The problem is that our commercials are usually very weird and not really a good look into how our society actually functions. This one was really funny, and I enjoyed it a lot.
"The Whole Fun Catalog of 1929"
This was actually a re-edited essay from "The Ferrari in the Bedroom." It is about an old catalog from Johnson Smith & Co. that sold a lot of cheap junk such as Whoopie Cushions and so forth. It's the same chapter as before, but this time he doesn't give the actual catalog item numbers. It's was fun to read a second time though. I like this one.
"Lost at C"
Another great "young Ralph" story about him moving from middle school to high school. It is also somewhat about how a lot of schools order students by their last names. It shows how kids tend to do what they can to survive being challenged by their teacher by either being as invisible as possible... or being super cute. High school, however, was a lot harder to do that stuff in, which is the point of the story. I loved this one.
"Ellsworth Leggett and the Great Ice Cream War"
Hands down, this is the best story in the whole book. It wins the award for being both hilarious and exciting all at once. Is it true? Who knows. It might be. It is about a shocking incident in Ralph's home town where two competing ice cream shops went head to head, lowering their prices while an entire flood of people ran back and forth trying to get the best deal. An absolute roller coaster ride of a story. If you only read one, skip over to this one.
"The Barbi Doll Celebrates New Year's"
This is the last story in the book, and honestly this is the best way I could imagine ending the entire Jean Shepherd book series. It happens right after he is discharged from the military. He heads home remembering all the various things that happened in the older books. He decides he wants a date for New Year's and finds a cute girl who is also a preacher's daughter. This ends up going horribly though, because she has a drinking problem and pretty much ruins the whole night. I liked this one a lot, and I am glad it ended this way. But seriously, Jean has a terrible time with dates.
I am sad to see Jean Shepherd go. I love his books. I am probably going to begin watching his movies next. Maybe I'll review those too. Either way, I recommend this one more than all the others. It was a solid read, and I loved every second of it.
This blog was written on November 28, 2025.
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