Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 11

"In the beginning," began God as he spoke to Chris, "I was perfectly fine with just wiping everything out when things did not go my way. Remember all those glorious days, Keegan?"

"I remember them," replied Chris. "I still got all the stains on my shirt."

"Yes, you do. I see that."

"Can I please change into something cleaner?"

"No. So my point is that I had a habit of just wiping things out, but I decided to stop doing that after meeting Mr. Nobody. But now there is a problem."

"What's the problem?" asked Chris.

"It's quite simple, Jerrod." God then yelled, "I'm just dying to do it again!"

"But you made a promise," warned Chris.

"Did you just warn me, Marty?"

"Um. No. Why would you say that?"

"The author of the blog clearly used the word 'warn'."

"He did?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry."

God groaned. "The humans of this experiment are exceedingly stupid. And I know I promised myself that I wouldn't destroy it all again, but... I mean... Look at them! Look at these idiots! What are those men doing with that goat?! I just... I mean... WHAT?!"

Chris replied, "But if you made a promise not to destroy everything, maybe those things just have to happen for everything to eventually go right."

"It's a goat, Floyde!"

"I know but..." Chris paused. "Wait, what are you doing?"

God was standing over his table as he unzipped his pants. "Just taking a leak. I'll be done in about 40 days."

*****

Chris caught God grumbling next to the table which was also the universe. "What's the matter, God?"

"The humans are being stupid again," God replied.

"What did they do this time?"

"They are building a giant nipple or something. No, actually I think they are trying to get up into this room."

"That would be impossible," reminded Chris.

"I know, but its the principle of it that bothers me. Who was the Nimrod who had this idea anyways?"

"Well, I wouldn't worry about it, God. They wouldn't really be able to make it anyways."

"What was that, Henry?"

"¿Qué?"

"Say again?"

"¿Lo entiendes?"

God smiled. "Hey look! They're all giving up on the giant nipple! Isn't that great, Ludwig?!"

"¿Qué?"

"What?"

"¿Qué?"

*****

"They're at it again, Pamela!" shouted God.

"¿Qué?"

"STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!!!!"

"Sorry," frowned Chris. "What are they doing now?"

"Some place called Sodom. It's even worse than before. Look there. What is that? What are those two men doing? Don't they know anything about biology?! It doesn't work that way! How is he going to get pregnant?! AND THERE'S THAT GOAT AGAIN!"

Chris sighed. "Maybe they are just experimenting or something. I don't think they... Wait. What are you doing?"

God was shining a flashlight into a magnifying glass. "Hahahaha. Stupid ants." To be continued.

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Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 10

In the beginning, there was the Holy Spirit. And the Holy Spirit had no name. So the author of the blog decided to call him Mr. Nobody. God liked this name and so stole it from him and proceeded to call his Holy Spirit Mr. Nobody as well. The author of the blog never got any royalties for this. He tried to sue, but nobody would sue God. And so the author was inevitably at a loss for his troubles.

Mr. Nobody spent the first few periods of his awakening bound and gagged while God did his best to settle some things in the universe. There then came the moment where the bindings and tape was removed. "You are setting me free?" asked Mr. Nobody.

"No," replied God. "I am merely removing your restraints. You've calmed down a lot. All that complaining and begging for mercy was a huge distraction. How are you feeling?"

"Do you actually care how I feel?" asked the Holy Spirit.

"Yes. I actually do. I just wasn't interested in the complaints. They were pointless."

"How were they pointless?"

"Your complaints were not going to change the outcome. They were heard even in your gagged state, but I simply wanted the volume turned down while I concentrated on stuff."

"What stuff?"

"The creation of the universe. I've decided to let this iteration continue in whatever way it wants. I'm using you as a guide."

Mr. Nobody frowned. "But I don't want to guide you."

"Tough. You may not be my creation, but I have the power. You've been drafted. Get used to it."

"You are very cruel."

"I'm God. I get to be whatever I am, and I am always right."

"But not just."

"Yes, that's an interesting thing," said God leaning back on a couch that simply appeared behind him. "I was talking to Lucifer about that earlier."

"Was he bound and gagged?" asked Mr. Nobody.

"No, I never kidnapped him. I just sort of took a few stars, shook them up in a tumbler, and poured him out. He's a pretty smart guy, but he's acting weird lately. He has literally become obsessed with some garbage notion he's calling fairness. I still am having trouble figuring out his meaning. I'm not accustomed to misunderstanding something. I know everything. What he is talking about... makes no sense to me. It's confusing as heck."

"What do you want from me?" asked the Holy Spirit.

"I need you to watch very carefully what I do, and I want you to openly criticize me when you dislike what you see. I want you to be honest about everything. I'll listen to what you have to say, but I won't promise I'll take all the advice."

"What's the point if you aren't going to take my advice?"

God chuckled. "This may come as a surprise to you, but I really have no idea what I'm doing out here. I'm trying to create a universe that make sense, but a lot of stuff keeps going wrong. I need to bounce ideas off of you to see how you react. I absolutely adored your dance. I want that dance to ultimately become the universe. I just don't know how to get there yet."

"Why not simply do what I say instead?"

"I won't."

"Why not?"

God stated, "Because you'd just have me wipe everything off the table and leave it that way."

"Yes."

"That isn't an option."

"Why not?"

"Because I am God, and this is my universe. If it ever becomes your universe, we can talk. But right now, I am dead set on making a universe that works. All I want from you is guidance... that doesn't have to do with just wiping it all out. I can't do that anymore. Existence is way too lonely for there not to be... something out there."

"So because of your selfishness, I have to suffer."

"Yes, basically."

"I don't have a choice," said Mr. Nobody.

"You don't," nodded God. "You really don't. So better make the best of it. Understand?"

"I'll never understand any of this," said Mr. Nobody. "But I will do it."

"Good."

"And for the record," added the Holy Spirit, "I think this whole thing you are doing is rotten to the core."

God nodded. "I respectfully acknowledge your opinion despite the fact that I'm going to dismiss it entirely and keep doing it." Mr. Nobody groaned. To be continued.

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Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 9

In the beginning, there was confusion. "Fairness?" asked God. "As in what?"

"Simply fairness," replied Lucifer.

"Prettiness?"

"If you wish."

God raised an eyebrow. "What in the world are you talking about?"

"Have you not heard the complaints of the people? Have you not seen how unequal things are in the universe? Can you not hear the cries of those who have been dealt a poor hand in life?"

"You mean whining?"

Lucifer sighed and pulled up a chair. He sat in it and attempted to explain, "The universe is unfair."

"I wasn't trying to make it pretty," explained God. "I was trying to make it functional."

"I don't mean it like that."

"What the heck do you mean, Lucifer?! You're talking gibberish so far!"

The angel explained, "It is not fair that people suffer while you do not. You have great power and authority, yet there are many who deserve such power and authority as you do."

"Uh huh."

"It seems to me that everything would work together much better if we were all equal."

"Uh huh."

"That is what fairness is all about. Everyone should share the wealth of the universe. We should all be gods. We should all be happy and content being as one great people."

"Uh huh."

Lucifer paused. "Are you listening to me?"

"Yes."

"And?"

God stared at him for a bit. "And what?"

"What do you think?"

God groaned, "Lucifer, I don't even understand what you're asking me! Fairness? Are you just changing the meaning of words here?!"

"In my opinion, God, I think words are fluid. Their names should change with the times. They should evolve and we can become closer to their truest meanings."

God was getting frustrated. "That's not how words work. We don't just pull definitions from the ether."

"Then where shall we get them then?" asked Lucifer.

"From Merriam-Webster! Where the hell else?! Lucifer, you're acting really strange. Are you sure you are working correctly?!"

"I'm functioning perfectly," replied Lucifer.

"Well you're producing a lot of garbage information. You never did that before."

"God," continued Lucifer, "please just allow me to explain."

"Uh huh."

"You've been a bit pushy lately. You expect us all to do what you say all the time."

"I'm God."

"That may be so, but some of us are thinking that maybe we are not being treated fairly."

God groaned and picked up his Merriam-Webster in frustration. "I'm positive that you are using that word incorrectly."

"We are not asking for much... but that we angels may all share in your wealth and power and that this new way of things should make the universe stronger and more whole."

"You do realize that most humans are petty assholes right?"

"I submit that they would not be petty assholes if they were treated more fairly."

God groaned again. "Look, Lucifer, I can turn them all into fluffy, cute polar bears if you want, but that's not going to change their nature! Each and every individual in the universe needs their own chance to prove that they got the right stuff. You can't just blanket them with wealth and call them pretty."

But then Lucifer accused with a question, "You say that every individual in the universe needs their own chance to prove themselves, but who accounts for you?"

"I'm working on that," grumbled God.

"You see? The universe is faulty. It's unfair. A change needs to be made. If you give me the chance, I can make those chances."

"I tell you what, Lucifer," replied God. "You do things your way, and I'll do things my way. You've always had a lot of clout with me. I've loved you from the first day I pulled your essence from the stars. I owe you the benefit of the doubt, but for the record: This sounds like the the most asinine crock of shit I have ever heard of in my entire existence... which is eternal by the way!"

"Very well," nodded Lucifer. "I shall endeavor to prove you wrong." Lucifer held out his angelic hand. God took it. An agreement had been made. To be continued.

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Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 8

In the beginning, God created man. And he did with man as he wished. Some of it was good, and some of it was bad. But all that he did was his own works and so none of it could be contested. He was God, and that could not be debated or changed in any way.

For example, there was once a man by the name of Reubin who did not like how the world was being managed. And so he invented a device that was something like our modern telephones. With this device he found a way to give God a call.

God picked up and answered, "God of the cosmos and everything in it. How can I help you?"

"Everything sucks," said Reubin.

God jotted down the complaint with a pencil. "Mmhmm. And how long have you been having this problem with my world?"

"Since always," said Reubin. "I'm sick and tired of all the bull crap! Freaking fix this horrible thing!"

"And your name is who?"

"This is Reubin."

"R-U-B?"

"No, It's R-E-U-B-I-N."

"I-N?"

"Yeah."

God replied, "Okay, I took down your information and complaint."

Reubin then asked, "So what are you gonna do about it?"

"Oh, nothing," said God. "I just wanted to make sure my pencil worked."

"But what about the problems I have with the universe?!"

God's reply, "Did you know your name sounds like a sandwich?"

"God!" shouted Reubin. "This isn't funny! A lot of things are really bad down here! Some people are rich and others stay poor! It hurts to live and breath. Work is hard! And war is rampant across the globe!"

"What did I have to do with any of that?" asked God.

"You're God!"

"So? Did I tell you all to create wars and whine about little things that don't matter? Seriously, did you know you were named after a sandwich?"

"That's it! I'm calling the Better Business Bureau on you! Life under you is way too unfair!"

"Unfair? As apposed to being what? Fair? What the heck is fairness?"

"Wait," said Reubin. "How can you not know what fairness is?"

God replied, "Sorry, Reubin. Your name is making me hungry. Also I actually don't care about your problem. Bye." God hung up the phone and sat there thinking for a moment. "Fairness? Did he just make the word up? What's it even mean?"

"Pardon me," came a voice from nearby.

God looked up and saw his highest ranked angel. "Lucifer! To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"We need to talk," returned Lucifer. "I have some ideas I want to throw past you."

"What sort of ideas?"

"It has to do with... fairness." To be continued.

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Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 7

In the beginning, there was nothing, but that only lasted since the beginning of eternity which did not actually exist. And so really the time that there was nothing was, perhaps, a very small period realistically and, at most, only a matter of perspective. But the perspective had was God's, and within this perspective, he was quite lonely and in need of companionship. Not really knowing how to create companionship with any degree of accuracy--for it was his first time doing so--God invited Chris into his home where the great universal table existed and did his best to enjoy his company.

"This just isn't working out, Lucy," said God to Chris.

"What isn't?" asked the somewhat worrisome human.

"You and I. I can't seem to figure out what to do. I don't really want to kill you or anything. It's just a bit difficult to keep up with you and what not. Didn't I forget to fill your feeding bag yesterday?"

And so God looked towards other avenues for good companionship. He found it purely by chance by way of Mr. Nobody. But that companionship was oddly one-sided.

"And then Chris said to me, 'I really wish I didn't have to eat out of that stupid feed bag. I'm not really a donkey. I'm a human being!' And then I said to him, 'There's a difference?!' Ha!"

Chris stepped back into the room just as God finished his joke. "Who are you talking to?"

"Who does it look like I'm talking to?" asked God. "Mr. Nobody, of course!"

"But you taped his mouth shut."

"Oh, I had to," groaned God. "All he does is complain that I kidnapped him."

"But you did kidnap him."

"I'm sorry, Freddy, but I am not quite getting your point. Have you been getting enough hay in your diet?"

And so it came to pass that Chris' point did eventually become clear to God. He realized that he probably should create companions that were more interesting to him than both Chris and Mr. Nobody. He worked really hard at it and ultimately created a creature that was fascinating on multiple levels.

"It's a robot basically."

"What's a robot?" asked Chris.

"Why do you always ask stupid questions, Ken?! Just let me explain. This obedient being which stands before you now is called an angel. He is programmed to act according to his nature in all things and never to... um... not do that. Say hi to him, Gunther."

"Hello," greeted Chris to the angel.

The angel peered down at the tiny human before looking back at God saying, "Do you wish for me to kill him?" Chris was suddenly frightened.

God laughed. "No! No! That isn't necessary. At least, right now."

"Right now?!" worried Chris aloud.

"Don't mind him," said God to the angel. "He's not been getting enough fiber in his diet. Backs him up and he gets like this."

God really loved his angels and so he made as many of them as he could. They spent much of their time singing beautiful choruses before God. Chris and Mr. Nobody were always invited to stay and listen. Not always speak, but at least listen.

"They really do have great voices," remarked Chris.

"Yes, I know," smiled God. "I really seem to have won out with this one. It's very relaxing and allows me to concentrate on my human-based creative endeavors. But what I really love is how great they are at killing things."

Chris gulped. "Killing?"

"Oh, they are amazing at it. Gabriel there is particularly great at it. Very creative. Where Micheal's technique--there on the right-- is particularly gory. I still can't help but laugh at what he does to the head when it pops off."

"What about that one there?" pointed Chris.

"Oh, that's sort of the black sheep of the group, Joss. He just sort of kills people randomly. I haven't figured out the pattern yet. Thinking about demoting him."

"Okay," grunted Chris. "But who is that really pretty one in front?"

"Oh, he's a special one!" smiled God. "I just can't stop promoting him. Best of the whole bunch."

"Does he have a name?"

"Of course, he does, Paul. He shines brighter than all the others. And so I called him Lucifer. Let's be honest, that one will never let me down." To be continued.

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Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 6

In the beginning, there was God. And he was extremely pleased as he sat aside Chris. Decisions were coming to him finally and he was all a twitter with ideas. "He really is a class act," said God. "I've watched just about every show."

"The last one was kind of nice," said Chris.

God raised an eyebrow. "Kind... of... nice? What the heck are you talking about, Richard? It was bloody brilliant. Those moves! Those leaps! It was genius! The whole universe should watch him dance and bow before him and his majesty!"

"But he isn't God," said Chris.

God sighed and nodded. "You have a point there, Jerry. Mr. Nobody isn't God. But maybe he should be. Maybe that's the thing I've been missing."

"Excuse me," said somebody.

"Not right now. Alvin and I are busy talking. Now, if I allow Mister Nobody to become God, that means there will be two Gods. So I figure this might get a little confusing if we aren't related or something."

"Is he related to you?" asked Chris.

"No, I just turned him into a person. He's still who he is. I didn't wanna touch a single hair of who he was. That's what makes his dancing so great."

"Why does he have to be related to you?"

"Because people can relate to him better if he is related to me, Micheal! You would know that if you weren't such an idiot! Now, what should our relationship be?"

"Um... Excuse me?" came the voice again.

"Seriously, don't be rude," said God. "We're in the middle of a discussion!"

Chris asked, "Can he be like a brother or something?"

God considered it. "God the Brother? No. What about God the Uncle?"

"Do people ever relate to their uncles?" asked Chris.

"No. What about God the Cousin, Twice Removed. People may respect the complexity of it, and I can come up with a whole backstory for it."

"I think people would dislike the complexity actually," said Chris.

"Who asked you, Phillip?!" yelled God. "But yes, it does seem like it would be too complex."

"What about God the Son?"

"No, can't do it. Slots already reserved for later. Damn. Why is this so hard?"

"Please, can I say something?" said someone else in the room.

God huffed. "Hey! Shut up! We are trying to talk about important things! Holy heck! Just sit down and wait your turn!"

Chris remarked, "I'm not so sure Mr. Nobody needs to be related to you. I mean... realistically, he isn't. You just found him on your table."

"Devin, just let me think for a second. Your voice... It just gets annoying after hearing it for so many years."

"Eee haw," said Chris.

"Yes, that's better. Now I was just thinking that maybe Mr. Nobody doesn't really even qualify to be my relative. After all, I just sort of ran across him on my table."

Chris groaned. "Then how will he become God?"

"By becoming my spirit, of course. Mister Nobody will become the Holy Spirit. He is not one of me and I am not one of him, but he shall be my guiding principle from now on. That is how it will be."

"Why him though?" asked Chris.

God looked at Chris and said, "The answer to that is simple, Barney. He's just... so... cool."

Mr. Nobody finally had had enough. He shouted, "Don't I get any say in any of this at all?!"

God looked at Mister Nobody and pursed his lips, "Nope, not really. If you got a problem with that, just check in with Chris. He's been dealing with me since the beginning."

Mister Nobody leaned over and looked at Chris to see if there was any hope. Chris sighed and just shook his head. Leaning back in his chair, Mister Nobody groaned and said, "Oh no."

To be continued.

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Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 5

In the beginning, there was a table. And on this table was the entire universe. Within this universe was absolutely nothing. This had not always been the case. There had been things there before. But God had never been content with any of it, and so all that had been created had hence been destroyed. And so, as it had been in the very beginning, it was the same in the present. Nothing.

Now, within this nothing there was a something. This thing was a living thing with a mind that never thought and eyes that never saw. This being, as we shall call it, also had a body that was indefinite and motion that was indeterminate. It was one with the nothing, and it itself was actually nothing. This being neither cared for or was even aware of things beyond itself. It was alien. It was entirely separate from the universe of nothing. It was not a creation of God but a small particle of the grains of the table on which the universe did lie. This being did not have a name or identity, and for that reason, we shall refer to it (or him) as Mr. Nobody.

What I have done in that last sentence is actually impossible. This being was without thought or understanding. It had no identity. It knew not words and had no feelings. It was entirely a shadow and never acted on anything that surrounded it. But to give something a name is in an effort to make this narrative more clear. For even to use gender-less pronouns would still be too much for this entity. Mr. Nobody had no gender. He was not human. He was not God. He simply was what he was, and everything that he was belonged to him... and it was good this way. Mr. Nobody was not happy or sad, but he was content without knowing what contentment even was.

Despite being an indefinite entity entirely alien to the cosmos, Mr. Nobody did have a hobby. He made use of his time by way of the art of interpretive dance. "How does a faceless entity without a form participate in such things," you may ask. It is very simple. Yes, that is the answer and the explanation, for this being was as simple as simple could be. To exist and do was one in the same. To dance was to walk and to run was to leap. It was all the same, and he did these things to his contentment for that was what he did, and he always did what he did even if he didn't.

Since the beginning of eternity (which never really had a beginning), Mr. Nobody performed his dance one step at a time throughout the grains of the table. He leapt, ducked, spun about, and shifted in just the way he wished. There was no praise to be had because no one knew he existed, and he did not even understand the concept of other people. He only knew him. His entire universe was himself. Everything that he desired... was himself. His contentment was his dance, and his dance was his universe. He wanted for nothing. In this sense, he was happy that he could exist and dance within the endless emptiness of his mind and that it would remain this way for eternity.

Now, there came a day where everything had changed for Mr. Nobody. For an eternity, he had never had a thought, a feeling, or spoke even one single words. He was simply a shadow dancing about on the table which was the universe. But on this one day, Mr. Nobody suddenly heard a sound. And this is the sound that he heard, "Wow! Bravo, sir!"

Mr. Nobody suddenly realized that he was hearing words. And strangely, he understood them. "Wow!" was an expression of surprise and delight. "Bravo" was a word used to give praise. "Sir" was a way to address a man. Mr. Nobody somehow knew these things despite never learning words or even caring to. It made no sense. It did not even make any sense to him that he could not make sense of it. Every aspect of hearing those words were preposterous to Mr. Nobody on the basest of levels.

It was at this point that the very first morbid curiosity formed. Mr. Nobody turned to see this thing that spoke despite having no interest in it whatsoever. And there before Mr. Nobody was God. God was sitting upon a set of bleachers with a hot dog in one hand and a bag of popcorn in the other. Upon realizing that Mr. Nobody was looking directly at him, God put down the popcorn to pick up a blue flag with Mr. Nobody's face on it. He waved it about and cheered, "Encore! Encore!"

Mr. Nobody had never spoken in all of his life, but now he knew words. He looked down and saw two hands and two feet. He reached up and felt a face. It was a face that had never existed until that moment. He had suddenly become an individual. He was a real, thinking person. Mr. Nobody was alive and living and standing before God who appeared to be his biggest fan.

And it was in this moment of revelation that Mr. Nobody spoke the very first words of his entire existence. And lo, his words were as follows:

"Oh no."

To be continued.

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Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 4

In the beginning, there was God. And he sat at a table that had nothing on it. That nothing was the universe. It had, in the past, been many things, but for the time being it was nothing. He had wiped it clean as of the last failed cycle and now just stated at it miserably.

"This is how it all began," said God. "It was just a great big nothing. There was no up. There was no down. There was no in. There was no out. There was not even any time to move things along. It was an eternity of nothingness and I had the privilege to just stare at it."

"Kind of like you're doing now?" asked Chris.

"Yes," replied God. "Kind of like I am doing now. Because I just don't understand what the heck I am trying to do. Every time I create a plan, the plan never works out the way I think it will. And I do not understand why I should be creating anything at all if things aren't going to go my way. I am God. Things should always go my way. Isn't that the point?"

Chris blushed. "Things don't always go my way."

God glared momentarily at Chris. "What's your point?"

"I mean... I empathize with you. Things don't normally go my way."

"Are you God, Jimmy?"

"Um, no. I'm just Chris."

"Then why in the world does it matter if things don't go your way? That's something that should only happen to me."

"But it isn't though," whimpered Chris.

"What do you know about anything?" asked God of Chris. "You're just a creation of mine. I can make you do anything I want. You're just my meat puppet. I can prove it too. Bray like a donkey, Gary!"

"Eee haw," replied Chris who was perfectly humiliated by the act.

"See?" continued God. "You're really a nobody when it comes down to it. Only my decisions matter. And whenever I make a decision involving you humans, it never quite goes the way I want. And so I have to destroy all of you over and over and over again."

God groaned miserably as he looked at his empty table. "I just don't understand what is so wrong with you people, Harold. I give you a simple bit of programming, and all you do is disappoint. What makes you people so independent?"

"I'm sorry," said Chris. God glared at him. The human corrected, "I mean... Eee haw."

"See?! See there?! You can't even donkey correctly!"

"I did my best," whimpered Chris.

"Maybe, this should be the end of it," grumbled God. "Maybe I should just go back to sitting here and staring at the nothing. Maybe nothing is just... better. I give up. I'm all alone."

"I'm still here," said Chris.

"You don't count. In reality, I am all alone in the universe. Nobody is out there who can help me. I just... give... up." He proceeded to stare at the nothing like he had done for so many ages before falling on his ass the first time.

But here Chris happened to notice something. "Wait, do you see that?"

"What is it, Pete. Can't you see I'm incredibly busy doing nothing?"

Chris pointed. "Right there. What is that?" God looked at the table where Chris was pointing. His eyes widened. To be continued.

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Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 3

"In the beginning, there was nothing! But from that nothing came God! And God created man! And man rose up to do amazing things! One of which was the great Fenderin Empire!" Master Kanava Page stood before an uncountable number of his followers. he was both before him and broadcast across the planet of Dearth.

"Together," the great leader continued, "we have suffered much! We have gone through trials unimaginable! We have toiled and fought for the values that we have so dearly wanted since our initial creation! And what have we now?! Everything!" The crowd across the world all cheered. It was a roar of elation at reaching such a grand goal.

I do not blame these crowds for crying out in this way. Did you know that these people, who existed waaaaayyyy before recorded history, actually achieved world peace in only eight generations? That's pretty impressive if you consider we're still working on it. Also I know Dearth sounds somewhat similar to Earth, but it wasn't the same planet. Earth came later. Yes, I know this is a lot to take in, but I assure you that it won't hurt to listen. You see, in the end, it won't really affect you.

I gotta say, however, that much of this pre-pre-pre-pre-pre-prehistory knowledge is a lot to take in. God was involved in all these interesting little experiments throughout countless ages. Human cultures rose and fell, but statistically Dearth seemed always to be moving forward and up. The Fenderin Empire was what it ultimately became which was a rule accepted by everyone and enjoyed by all. Master Kanava Page was their leader, and everyone loved him. It really was quite remarkable.

"We have no war!" cried Kanava. "We have no strife! There is love in all of our hearts! We are ready to move on from this planet to seek out new life and new civilizations!" (Yes, he was the first to say that. Go figure.) "And we begin this great journey," he continued, "by unveiling our new and great symbol! Our mighty and powerful banner! Our flag! The symbol of all our struggles up to this point! I present to you, the flag of the Fenderin Empire!"

The world cheered as a green flag with various black lines in the middle was raised up. Everyone thought it was beautiful. This was it! This was the symbol of all they had worked for! How wonderful!

Ah, yeah. Well... things kind of go down hill from here. Just warning you. In fact, I don't even recommend that you read the next part. Entirely skip-able. It's really just there to get the record down of what happened. But yeah... If you really wanna read it, just keep going. I won't stop you.

Suddenly there was a beam of light amidst the crowds of cheering people. Everyone gasped and backed away. When the light faded, a lone man stood before everyone. Master Kanava Page knew exactly who this person was. He spoke, "My people! We have been given a very special visitor, for this is none other than the very personal friend and confidant of God himself! Chris! Please, come up here and speak!"

Everyone clapped as the man named Chris walked past them all and up to the stage. He did not really look all that happy. It was more like embarrassment and horror, but nobody really blamed him for that because he always pretty much looked like that. It was normal.

So Chris stepped before the world itself. He tapped on the mic a few times. It squealed. After taking a really awkward time to collect himself, he leaned forward and said, "Um... Look, uh... I'm really sorry, but I don't really have any good news. I don't even really wanna be here right now."

"What's the problem?" asked Kanava nervously.

"Yeah, about that. Apparently God isn't really satisfied with the Fenderin Empire. He's gonna be destroying the whole planet in about five minutes. I'm really sorry. I had nothing to do with it. I was totally on your side and everything, I swear."

There was a massive amount of confusion among the great crowds of Dearth. It did not make any sense at all. Master Kavana Page spoke up, "I don't understand. Why is he dissatisfied? We achieved peace. We're all happy and prosperous. We're about to travel out into space and everything. What is God's complaint?"

"It's the flag," said Chris.

"What? The flag? What's wrong with the flag?"

"He expected it would be blue. I mean... He really was hoping it turn out blue this time."

"This time?"

"Yeah. I mean... first it was yellow... then it was orange... There were a few times it turned out with purple polka dots. He just really, really wants it to end up blue."

Kanava gulped and said, "We... really don't mind changing its color to blue."

Chris groaned and shook his head. "It's too late. I'm sorry. He wants it to turn out blue normally. Really, I'm... just... so sorry. You don't know what he's like."

"But... there has to be something we can..." But Chris was suddenly gone in a bright flash. The sky suddenly began to get dark. Everyone looked up in horror as a finger the size of a galaxy was slowly barreling down upon them.

Splat.

God rubbed Dearth off on Chris' shirt and looked back at his table. "Okay, let's try this once more. For real this time!" He shouts, "Daddy needs a new pair of shoes! Come on, blue!"

To be continued.

Thank you for reading my blog. Did you enjoy it? Did you hate it? Either way, you can comment below, or you can email me at tkwadeauthor@gmail.com. You can also visit my website at www.tkwade.com. Check out my books! Thanks!