Fairy Tale Spotlight: The Alien and the Talk Show Host

"The Alien and the Talk Show Host" by T.K. Wade

(The following story was written in about one hour and in one sitting on 6-25-18.)

"Welcome back," said Johnny Fez as the music played him back in. "Well, that's all we have for today." The audience booed. " No? There was something else?" He adjusted his tie and chuckled. "You got me, folks. We saved the best for last.

"As you know, there's been a lot of hullabaloo in the news lately about this man going around saying he is an alien. Doctors across the world claim that he seems to exhibit strange readings whenever they examine him. Not sure what that really means, but at the very least, it seems to have given his claim some credence.

"Anyways, I'm just babbling. Why don't we give you all a chance to decide for yourselves. Kelsey Forester, ladies and gentlemen!" Johnny stood up and clapped as a handsome man in a suit and tie walked onto the stage. The audience clapped with him as Mister Forester waved at them before shaking hands with the host. Soon they were sitting down next to one another and seemed to exchange a few friendly words as the applause settled down.

"Alright," said Johnny. "I guess you could say this is the interview of my career. An alien! Who knew?!"

Kelsey chuckled and joked, "It's the whole reason I stopped by, Johnny."

"Hey, when ratings are going down the chute, just bring in the aliens, I always say."

"Good plan."

Johnny straightened a few papers out of habit. "So, just so we are clear and I didn't just pull a random somebody out of my audience, you are an alien, correct?"

"Yes. I am entirely an alien."

"Aright, and how is Canada this time of year?"

Mister Forester laughed. "No, no. Nice try."

"So we talking about outer space here?"

"Yes and no. A little bit of both."

"Yes, you've always been a bit vague on that one. One thing that always makes me skeptical was how much you look like a human being."

"I never said I wasn't human," said Kelsey.

"So you are a human... but an alien human."

"Yes and no."

"Well at least you're being clear," said the host with a chuckle. The audience laughed with him.

Kelsey smiled and waved him off lightly. "Humans are the creatures of this planet... so naturally a human would be the best creature to be."

"Oh, no. I see what you mean. It's just that if you had wiggly antenna on your head or green skin, it might be a bit more convincing. I mean no offense to the football fans I hung out with the other day who looked pretty much the same."

Kelsey chuckled. "I got to chose what I looked like and a human being just made the most sense. Besides, if I looked like some sort of insect, it would have been less likely for me to appear on your show."

Johnny nodded. "At the very least, I would have to cancel the contract with our extermination people." The audience laughed. "No, my point is really that there has not really been much evidence, other than the medical examinations, that have really promoted what you are claiming. And some have said that you have merely used trickery to corrupt those medical scans."

"If I could be honest," began Kelsey, "I don't think the scans are failing as much as the doctors who are not prepared to see what is obviously there."

"So it is somehow the doctors failing--the technician's failing. They could not comprehend the true nature of your alien physique. Is that what you are saying?"

"Either that or the technology simply does not understand what it is seeing. One or the other."

"Alright," nodded Johnny. "That's fine. We'll give you that. Nothing more though. We need to know a bit more before we're going to believe you. I always fill my audience full of skeptics just in case one of my jokes falls flat. That way they'll know I'm really an impostor." The audience laughed and Kelsey chuckled.

"What do you need then, Johnny?" asked Mister Forester.

"Well, for starters, you can do something 'alien' for us."

"Like what?"

"Okay, I guess I am making all the suggestions here. Levitation." He picked up a pen and placed it at the edge of his desk. "Make this float off my desk."

"And that would convince you that I am an alien?"

"Well, it won't really put marks against you--I'll say that much."

"I hate to say this, but I can't make anything levitate. Even before I came to this planet, I wasn't able to do that."

Johnny picked up the pen with a nod and said, "I dunno, Kelsey, but I'm tempted to put a strike against you."

"Any reason why?"

"Well, you did put the qualifying factor into my hands, and I chose levitation. I mean... If you don't think that's fair then fine."

"No, no. That's fair. We'll call that strike one against me."

"Very neighborly of you. What do you think, folks?!" The audience clapped. Johnny continued, "So the next thing that would seem very alien to me would be technological. We've always assumed aliens came through spaceships and had heat rays or freeze rays depending on how you wanted your coffee prepared." The audience chuckled. "So I guess what I am saying is... show me the tech!"

"You sure you are ready to see the sort of tech I use?" asked Kelsey.

"You bet, sir. Blow my mind."

Kelsey Forester reached into his pocket and produced a smart phone. "Aliens of today bring their PCs with them in the form of these amazing devices called cell phones. I also have a digital watch." The audience laughed and Johnny joined them. However, when the laughter died down, the host chuckled and made a mark on a piece of paper saying, "I guess we'll call that strike two." The audience was restored to laughter. Kelsey merely smiled.

"So far we are 'oh' for two. But I'm feeling pretty generous. I'll give you one more chance."

"I appreciate it, Johnny," smiled the guest.

"Telepathy. I want you to read my mind." Johnny leaned back in his chair and grinned at his guest as if he was purposely trying to "think" something at him.

Kelsey chuckled and shook his head. "Johnny, I am not sure why anyone would want to read something quite as boring as another man's thoughts."

"Humor me."

"Your thoughts are uninteresting," said Kelsey.

"So that's a negative on telepathy then?"

"Mister Fez, why would I read the words of your thoughts when what lies deeper is far more interesting."

Johnny raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean exactly?"

"Who you are. What sort of man you are under all those uninteresting thoughts. The kind of man who layers joke after joke atop a far more fascinating darkness. The kind of darkness that leads to sexual deviancies with girls under the age of twelve. The kind of darkness that causes you to beat your wife to a point where she had entirely fallen out of the view of the public--not simply because she has been sick as of late. The kind of darkness that ultimately drew you to me. Ultimately, Mister Fez, you are a very strong and powerful man, and you know how to treat those who are below you. But what rests on the top layer--your thoughts--those things simply don't interest me."

The room was dead silent. Johnny Fez had been looking at his desk for nearly the entire time and idly flicking his pen up and down. Without looking up, he said, "And that... is strike three."

"Sure it is, Johnny," replied Kelsey with a smile.

"That's all the time we have for today," said Johnny calmly. "Take care, and goodnight." The camera quietly panned away from the two in silence, and ultimately the screen blacked out.

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