Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 1

In the beginning, there was nothing. No, really. Nothing. It was just a black void of... nothing. Empty. Black. Heck. Maybe it wasn't black. It was as if the entire universe was the transparency effect of a PNG image. Both lacking in color, substance, and eyes to see such lack of anything.

Really, it is incredibly hard to say just how empty the universe was. If you can imagine the blandest thing that you can possibly imagine, then multiply its blandness by six billion, and then erase whatever you have altogether, then that is pretty much what existed. And that was what we had here. All your TVs, video games, books, movies, and pizza parlors were not even an idea. That's right! Even ideas were missing from the universe. Just a flat, misty nothing. A total lack of existence.

Now I don't want to really cast any aspirations on this massive/nonmassive emptiness. I mean... it wasn't like it was doing anything to anybody. Not there there was anybody to do anything to. I mean... we are talking about a massive nonexistence of anything whatsoever here. The relevancy of the universe's irrelevancy was staggering beyond belief. And I would further credit this massive nothingness at having a good anti-war policy--in that, by dint of there not being anybody at all to fight wars, there were no wars to fight. And I am pleased, further more, with its health policy--in that, by dint of there not being anyone to be sick, there were no diseases at all. Peacefulness abounded quite well in this blank and transparent state. So for these and many other obvious reasons, I shall not cast aspersions.

But there was one major problem with it all. And I think you will agree. The main folly of all this nothing is that... well... to put it in simple terms... Oh, I'll just say it! It was BORING! I mean... Nothing was happening!

Have you ever been forced to sit in one place for an entire day, and during this time, you do absolutely nothing? To simply sit there and exist when nothing at all interesting is happening is quite horrible. I can hardly even imagine it, but there it was. A great big nothing. A void. A massive zero. And you were forced to sit there and admire it... or nothing. You weren't really admiring anything. There was nothing there. In fact, I'm not really sure why the word admiring was used. There is nothing really admirable about a void.

But then it was not really you admiring (or not admiring) anything. In truth, it was this one guy. His name was God. No, seriously, his name was actually God. Names were new at the time, and there was no need for complexities. Three letters were all that was needed. Dog sounded silly, so he just flipped it around and called it a name.

So there God was sitting in his nonexistent chair staring out into the emptiness. Time had no meaning to him, so he very well could have been doing this for the last 40,000 millennia. Immortality can be a bitch. By this time, his mind must have been going. At the end of the very specific and important 41,234th millennium--I have no idea why it was this one specifically--God for the first time spoke. He had never spoken before in all of his existence. Truly, this was going to be an important moment. God opened his mouth and the very first words of our great God came forth as loud and as clear as your own:

"I'm bored."

And so contractions came into the universe! Who knew they started so early?! Just remember that whenever you abbreviate two words together, those came from the lips of God before anything at all existed before!

But that wasn't all God said. That was just his first words. He also went on to say, "No, really. I'm bored as heck! What have I been doing all this time! Just sitting here? There's not even a chair under my ass. I'm just sitting on top of a void, in a void, surrounded by void. Wait. Is it even possible to sit on a void? Wouldn't I just..." And here God paused as he fell flat on his ass at the stark revelation that he would fall without anything under him. But upon this unfortunate happening, something very fortunate came of it.

"I've just fallen on my back," said God using another contraction. "That was exciting. I've been sitting on my ass for so long. I never knew falling over would be so much fun. I should do it again!" So God sat back up and once again took note that such a thing was impossible without a chair... and so proceeded to fall on his ass again.

"It wasn't as fun as it was before," said God. "I mean, it was okay. There was the somewhat retro feel of it. I remembered the first time I fell on my ass. Wow! Great times! But this time... eh." So God tried to figure out what the problem was. "Maybe I didn't do it right." And so God, once more, hurled himself across the universe so that, once more, he fell upon his ass as hard as he could, once more.

"Well, I'm bored again," said God. "It's so strange that... the first time I fell on my ass, everything was suddenly so much more exciting. But now it's just as boring as everything else." But then God had an interesting idea. "What if there were others with me to fall on their ass also! Then we could all do it together and have a fun time of it! That's it! I'll do it!" cried out God who was clearly a fan of his own contractions at this point. "I'll create other people who can fall down on their ass whenever I like!"

And so God created man. To be continued.

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