Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Spinoff, Part 5

And so Samson was married!

“He married a Philistine,” said Lucifer.

“Yes, I know,” said God. “You got a point to go with it?”

“They are my people. I entirely and utterly control them.”

“Yes, I see it as an improvement. They were boring until Samson showed up.”

“He was born a Nazarite but chooses the women of Dagon,” Lucifer persisted.

God looked around. “Is there a broken record somewhere in here?!”

“Welcome!” cried Samson as he held up his wine glass at his wedding party. “Welcome to this most joyous occasion! We shall feast for seven days and make merry indeed! Also, I have an announcement to make.” Everyone stood up and listened. “I have finally, through the help of my lovely heathen wife, learned how to do a bow-tie!” Everyone cheered, but then Samson held up a finger. “But I just realized… I don’t give a damn about ties!” And so he ripped off the bow-tie and henceforth bow-ties were only associated with nerds and weathermen.

It was customary, at the time this story happened, that the groom be surrounded by thirty men. These men did not really want to be there, for they were all Philistines and thought Samson was crude and annoying. And not a few of them remembered the many times that he had dunked their heads in the latrine or pulled their underpants over the tops of their heads. But still they sat squarely around him as to please tradition.

And there came a moment where Samson looked at these thirty men and began waggling his eyebrows up and down in a manner not unlike the great Groucho Marx. He did this to such an extent that it was plainly assured that Samson must have some sort of devious thing in mind. And after eyebrow waggling for another minute or two, he finally let loose with his secret, “I wish to tell you all a riddle. If you can guess the answer to my riddle before the seven days of feasting is finished, I shall give you each thirty sets of linen garments and thirty sets of clothes. If you cannot guess the answer, you shall give likewise to me.”

“What about ties?’ asked one of them.

“Forget the ties. My deal stands as is.”

“Okay. What is the riddle then?”

Samson proceeded to give them his riddle,

“Out of the eater, something to eat.

Out of the strong, something is sweet.”

One of the more optimistic Philistines who was also quite good at solving riddles, nay… but he was the local riddle-solving champion within that district, was heard saying out loud, “Oh crap.”

Four days past and nobody could figure out the answer. The one riddle champion was run out of town for his failure to solve it. One of them asked Manoah and his wife if they had been told the answer.

“He hasn’t told us anything,” said the wife as she sealed up another jar of honey.

“Yes, he just sort of made it up on the spot, I guess,” said Manoah as he spooned up honey and ate of it freely. “My goodness, dear, this honey sure is good. And I ain’t lion!”

“Yes, I agree,” said the nameless wife. “I’d say that it is the most purrrfect honey that there ever was.” And so the men were left without answers.

So finally they went to his wife and begged her to get the answer out of him. Being that she was still a Philistine as they were, she promised them that she would and so nagged Samson for seven days to tell her the secret!

“Behold,” said Lucifer. “The one thing I control greater than all your other creations.”

“And what is that?” asked God.

“Women. They have always bent to my will ever since Eve ate of the fruit. I bid you watch what happens and see what power I hold over these creatures.”

“All right. Go ahead,” said God.

And so Samson finally relented and said to his wife, “Alright, I’ll tell you.”

“You see?!” cried Lucifer pointing at the table. But God had turned away for a second as a random squirrel with a halo over its head seemed to pass through the room by random coincident. Lucifer furrowed his brow.

God smiled as he looked back. “Sorry, what were you saying?”

“Never mind.”

And so when the final day of feasting was upon them, the answer was given, “It is a beehive found within the carcass of a lion!”

“Oh, wow. Very good,” said Samson. “I am actually really surprised you pulled your resources together and figured out the secret of… Wait, my wife told you, didn’t she?” He glared at her. She shook her head quickly. Samson scowled as he looked back at the thirty nervous men. “You fools! If you had not plowed my heifer, you would have never solved my riddle!”

“I’m a what?!” cried the wife.

“A cow! You’re a cow! You know that?! A cow!” She blushed hard, but then he turned his eyes on the others. It was here that Samson did something a bit naughty. The men did eventually get their clothes but they came from the broken corpses of thirty other Philistines that he ended up slaughtering in Ashkelon. Though by the time they were delivered, they were not all that worth wearing.

“HA!” laughed God. “Oh, that was rich! What a riot! Did you see what he did there?!” He looked directly at Lucifer and once again laughed, “HA!” Lucifer just rolled his eyes and looked away.

To be continued.

Thank you for reading my blog! Did you enjoy it? Either way, you can comment below, or you can email me at tkwadeauthor@gmail.com. You can also visit my website at www.tkwade.com. Check out my books! Thanks!