Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Spinoff, Part 6

“Where are you going with that goat?” asked Manoah of his son.

“I’m a grown man, father,” returned Samson. “I’ve earned the right to take young goats where I please. Why are you even asking me that?”

“Well, it’s just that I’m rather fond of that particular one. I named him Henry and I enjoy the way he bleats like a chicken.”

“That is very odd to hear,” said Samson sincerely. “But perhaps you can find another novelty goat, for I intend to give this one to my wife.”

“Your wife?” asked the father nervously. “But I thought you grew to hate her.”

“Not entirely. I still love her enough to give her this chicken goat. But what are you hiding from me father?”

“I ended up giving her away to one of your companions. I didn’t know! Perhaps maybe you can take her younger sister instead. I thought she was attractive.”

Samson put down the goat and said, “Father, I know you meant well by me for doing what you did, but I am still pissed off. You may keep your clucking goat, for I have to get even with the Philistines for taking my wife from me.”

“What… What in the world… is he doing?” asked Lucifer with wide eyes.

“You know, I actually have no idea,” said God. “And I’m God. I know everything. But right now I have absolutely no idea why he is tying all those foxes together.”

“Is he making some sort of hat?” asked Chris.

“Maybe he is, Gidget,” smiled God.

“But if he is making a living fox hat,” remarked Lucifer, “why would he set them all on fire like that.”

“This is stupid,” said Mr. Nobody.

“He’s right,” said God with a nod. “This is incredibly stupid… but somehow it’s just so cool!”

The foxes numbered three hundred and were not, as Chris had wondered, made into a hat. They were, in fact, tied together in twos and set aflame. These foxes, once released two-by-two, ran yelping into the grain keeps and olive gardens of the Philistines where everything was burned down.

The only surviving fox among the three hundred had this to say, “I was scared at first. It was a fiery nightmare for most of it, but I kept remembering this one goat that made chicken noises and… somehow it gave me the strength to live! Too bad about my other two hundred and nighty-nine fellows though. At least they went out in a blaze of glory.” Unfortunately the clucking goat has declined to make any comment.

“What happened?!” cried a Philistine seeing that all his hard work had gone up in smoke.

“Didn’t you read the paper?” asked a companion. “The fox gave it all up. It was Samson who did it because his wife had been given away.”

“Then we must get revenge by killing his wife!” And so they did.

“They did what?!” cried Samson.

“They killed your wife and her father out of revenge for what you did,” said the slightly burned fox. “I’m only here to tell you this because I wanted to meet this amazing goat of whom I claim inspiration for having allowed me to live through such a horrible moment in my life.”

“Buh-ga-a-aw.”

“And there he is now! Sorry, I have to go!”

“Those jerks!” cried Samson.

“Why does he keep killing people?!” grumbled Lucifer.

“Why not?” asked God. “I do it all the time. It’s good stress relief.”

“But… he’s out of control!”

“Lucifer, calm down. They’re just Philistines.” He paused. “Oh, right. Forgot they were your people.” Lucifer glared.

After Samson killed as many Philistines as he could find, he ended up camping out inside of a cave in Etam which was within Judah. The Philistines knew that he was there and yelled at the people of Judah for harboring the fugitive. “They guy was half-naked,” they said. “We didn’t know what his deal was, but don’t worry. We’ll take care of it.”

And so three thousand men (of which they thought would be enough) went down to the cave in Etam and whined, “Why have you attacked the Philistines and come here? Don’t you know the Philistines rule over us?”

“I only did to them what they did to me.”

“But this fox here claims that he did nothing to him and his brethren before you set them all ablaze.”

But the fox rather ruined the argument when he looked up to the man and said, “But no. it is okay now. I have forgiven him after listening to the wisdom of the wise chicken goat.”

The man groaned and said, “We still intend to take you in. You’re out of control! If you resist, we will kill you here on the spot.”

“No need for that,” said Samson walking out. “Promise me that you will not slay me and I will let you take me to the Philistines.” And so they made that promise and bound his hands with new rope to make sure that he would be helpless.

“Finally,” said Lucifer with a groan. “A fitting end to all this nonsense. Don’t you agree, God?”

God was just a bit perplexed. “Since when was there a talking fox and a clucking goat in this story. I’m confused.”

“Maybe the author went insane,” said Mr. Nobody.

“Yes, that must be it!”

To be continued.

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Because why not?