Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Spinoff, Part 16

“I thought you loved me,” said Delilah as Samson lay upon his bed. His arm was draped over his eyes as she spoke to him. “I thought you cared.”

“I do,” groaned the man.

“Lies! All lies!”

“Delilah, when will you cease this bickering? You’ve been at it for days. I’d much rather spend this time with my two friends.”

“They don’t trust you either.”

Samson looked at her with a scowl. “Do you think that I am so stupid that I do not know why you asked me of my weakness?” Delilah pouted. The man added, “It is very clear that you enjoy seeing me kill people, which admittedly does often lead to much fun under the sheets… and sometimes on top. But, dear, the novelty is wearing thin.”

“It would be different if you just told me the truth.”

“Why should I tell you anything?”

“Because it would prove to me that you really do love me.”

Samson did not answer. He only groaned as he looked away from her. “It should only be that you trust me. I don’t understand these games.”

“You really don’t love me,” she accused.

God leaned against the table looking a bit bored. “Even I’m getting tired of listening to her.”

Lucifer looked up at God. “You are?”

“Oh, don’t think for a moment that you have impressed me. I can see how you control the female sex on the Line. You made them unbearably annoying. I mean… I’m literally getting a headache… and I’m God. Congrats.”

“She is wearing him down. He shall soon betray you.”

“I wish he would,” said God. “It seems like it would be the only way to make her shut up.”

“Are you saying that you want Samson to fail?”

God peered over at Lucifer wearily. “He was always going to fail, Lucifer. I knew that from the beginning.”

“You did?”

“Yes. I hate to break it to you, Lucifer, but I do have the ability to look ahead and see what’s going to happen. But seriously, your woman won’t stop nagging. Is that your brilliant plan to make the world yours? Nagging women?” Lucifer stared. God added, “It suites you. Reminds me of all the times you stopped by to convince me of things. Breaking my vases. Acting like a fool. I’m not surprised Samson breaks down in the end.”

“But you never broke down,” said Lucifer.

“There’s a reason for that.”

“What is it?”

“Page 2016. Look it up someday.”

“I’m a bit busy right now.”

“Being annoying?”

Lucifer scowled before looking back to the table. “All right!” shouted Samson. “Just shut up! I’ll tell you!”

“No, you won’t!” she cried. “You don’t love me after all!”

“No, just stop! Here is the truth. No razor has ever touched my head because I have been a Nazarite dedicated to God from my mother’s womb. If my head were to be shaved, my strength would leave me, and I would become as weak as any other man.”

“I did it,” muttered Lucifer.

“Is it over?” asked God. “Has she finally shut up? Oh, finally. I’m gonna go get another drink.”

To be continued.

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Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Spinoff, Part 15

Lucifer poured himself another drink and downed it in one shot. He wiped his mouth and sat back in his chair. God asked him, “Anything yet?”

“Nope, still sober,” said Lucifer.

“Me too,” chuckled God. “I’m enjoying it though. You aren’t such a bad drinking companion when you’re quiet. In fact, I like you best when you’re quiet.”

Lucifer gazed over to God and raised an eyebrow. “You once said that you loved my singing voice.”

“I did. But you haven’t been singing as of late. Lately you’ve just been spouting off nonsense like a broken computer. I like you better lately when you simply shut up and hang out with me.”

“You like spending time with me?” asked Lucifer a bit incredulously.

“As I said… when you’re quiet.”

“I’ve only been quiet because trying to convince you of anything is like pulling teeth.”

God chuckled as he poured himself another drink. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Pulling teeth is hilarious.” Lucifer cringed. God took a sip and asked, “You really think I’m an asshole, don’t you?”

“I do,” replied the angel. “However I also think that your actions are both in poor taste and a matter of incompetence. Remember Adam and Eve?”

“I remember,” nodded God.

“Adam and Eve are purely the result of a lack of planning. I moved in on your creation and exposed all of it for its flaws. I also stole your women away. Eve was mine from the beginning, and since that day, I have done with her as I please. Her kind, her very gender, has been mine as well. They no longer belong to you. I have stolen them from you.”

God nodded. “Good riddance.”

“Really?”

God shrugged. “Women were an afterthought. I made them appealing to me, but it was Adam that was my intended successor. He was the disappointment.”

“Subdued by my woman,” remarked Lucifer.

“I never claimed to have any control over Adam. In fact, Adam was not even the beginning of the story… at least how I see it. It was unfortunate, but far from putting an end to my plans.”

“You created a weakness in men that I can exploit.”

God nodded. “I like boobs too, Lucifer. That doesn’t mean I’ll sell myself short for them. Like I said, you can have the fairer sex if you want them. But I will say this to you: If even one of them turn on you and prove themselves worthy, I am going to laugh at you so hard that your hair will fall out from embarrassment alone.”

“That is a cruel thing to say,” grumbled Lucifer.

“Bald people are funny.”

“You lied to me again!” cried Delilah.

“And you,” snapped Samson, “are still trying to turn our relationship into a crowded affair! Damn it, woman! I’m straight!”

She began to weep loudly, “Why do you make such a fool of me?! I love you! Why? Why? Why?!”

“Good grief,” grumbled Samson.

“Why not just be sincere with me?!”

“Yes, okay. But you must stop calling in all these strange men to our bed. Although I do like murdering them, I like playing with you more.”

“Please tell me the truth this time!”

“Yes, okay. I’ll do anything for my two big friends. So here is how to subdue me: If you weave the seven braids of my head into the fabric on the loom and tighten it with the pin, I’ll become as weak as any other man.”

“And this is truly how you may be subdued?”

“Sorry, what? I was looking at your boobs again.”

“Lie number three,” chuckled God.

“That shall be his last,” said Lucifer before downing another glass.

“I won’t stop you,” said God with a soft smile.

To be continued.

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Fairy Tale Spotlight: The Creation Tiers

Hi there. First, let me explain what you are actually seeing here. I am going to be working on Our Divine Spinoff for a while, and I just got to missing doing my usual Fairy Tale Spotlight blogs. I figured it would not hurt to toss one in the middle once in a while while I continue working on it. Don't worry. This blog is not going to interrupt Our Divine Spinoff. I am still posting two chapters a week. If you are reading this and wondering if I am just not posting a new episode of Our Divine Spinoff this week, think again. I post Our Divine Spinoff on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Any intermittent extras will come out on Wednesdays, like this one. That's three blogs per week... if I choose to do an extra one.

Another thing I want to mention is that I have already published Our Divine Comedy to the Amazon store. I'll provide some information about it at the bottom of this blog. But first I want to talk about something that I skimped on a bit in that very book: The Creation Tiers.

The Creation Tiers is a term coined by me that is used to explain the difference in the relationship between God and the creations of God. It lays out the very basic foundation of my views of the divine in relationship to us and was a major part of my perspective found in Our Divine Comedy and Our Divine Spinoff. Let me attempt to lay it out for you as clearly as possible.

God and the Holy Spirit rests atop of everything (that we are abstractly aware of) in a place I call the Circle. It is a place without time. It is the reason God is aware of the past, present, and future. This place is known as Creation Tier 1. Creation Tier 1 existed before, during, and after the creation of the universe. It holds within itself the incomprehensible origins of God and his Holy Spirit.

The known universe, the solar system, earth, human beings are all direct creations of God: They exist in a place I call the Line. Time exists here. Everything moves from the past to the present and into the future in one direction. People themselves are only aware of the present and somewhat aware of the past through word of mouth, documentation, and memory. None of the former things I mentioned are related to Creation Tier 1. Therefore the latter items exist entirely on Creation Tier 2.

Additional: Other creations of God exist within Creation Tier 2. This includes all angels, cherubs, archangels, and Lucifer (Satan) himself. These beings are anything like us biologically, yet they still exist within the same Creation Tier. Lucifer stands with us as a creation of God. We both exist because of choices God made. We are together in this way.

What about Demons? Demons are a corruption of the nature found in Creation Tier 2. Even though produced through the actions of angels (or likely in this case... devils), the demons produced are the mere combined genetics of of two Creation Tier 2 creations. Therefore, the produced demon remains a product of Creation Tier 2. Satan will often refer to demons as his creation. This is a lie. They were not created at all, only begat.

What is Jesus? Jesus is a conduit between Creation Tier 1 and Creation Tier 2. He is the only one in all of history who had held this title. The reason for this is because he is a human man existing on the Line but possessed by the Holy Spirit. This is why, through him, we may have access to eternal life within the Circle.

Relationships and judgments: A being from Creation Tier 2 cannot fully understand, comprehend, or cast judgement upon a being from Creation Tier 1. For this reason, no man can fully understand God or the Holy Spirit. No man can fully comprehend God or the Holy Spirit outside of the abstract. No man can cast any judgement of any sort upon God or the Holy Spirit for the lack of the former two aspects, namely understanding and comprehension.

Beings from the same Creation Tier are perfectly capable of judging each other. Men can judge other men. It is just that simple. Likewise, men can judge the angels as well as Lucifer himself. Also likewise can the angels judge us--the latter being understandably dangerous and unnerving.

What is Creation Tier 3? Creation Tier 3 occurs when and if beings from Creation Tier 2 create some form of life of their own. They do not have to be biological, but must be a self-sustaining (no longer needing any assistance from Creation Tier 2 to continue existing). Creation Tier 3 does not presently exist.

This ends my very basic explanation of the Creation Tiers. I hope it helps you understand my perspective on how it all works. If you have any questions on any part of this blog, I encourage you to leave it in the comment section of the blog. I will do my best to help you.

Now, as I said at the beginning, I have published a book for the Our Divine Comedy blog. The book is called Our Divine Comedy - A Story about God, Lucifer, and some guy named Chris. If you have already read the blog, then great. But the book has far more content. It includes a full commentary after each chapter to better explain what I was getting at. The book is recommended for all people, especially Christians and the general open minded population of this planet. The book is also very irreverent, so... if that bothers you, look elsewhere.

Here is some information as well as a link to the Amazon page:

Kindle Edition - $3.33 (Click here!)

Paperback Edition - $13.33 (Click Here!)

Click here to check out all the books I have for sale!

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Spinoff, Part 14

God came back to the table and poured Lucifer a strong drink. “What is this?” asked the angel.

“I didn’t look,” said God. “I don’t usually touch the stuff myself, but I’m feeling a bit generous today. Was thinking about sharing a drink with you today.”

“What for?” asked Lucifer with obvious suspicion.

God placed a filled glass up to his lips before asking, “Lucifer, have I ever actually needed a reason for anything I’ve done?”

Lucifer picked up the glass. “Touché.”

God continued as Lucifer drank, “I’ve done many things in my life, but I have to say that this little outing with Samson has been the pinnacle of my overall enjoyment. I wanted to thank you.”

The angel was incredulous. “Thank me?”

“Of course,” nodded God. “I’m inspired by a great many things, but your stupidity finally paid off. Samson is amazing.” He held up his glass. “So thanks for being an idiot, Lucifer.”

Lucifer just glared at God as the almighty being downed the glass. The angel sighed and looked back to the table. “There is nothing good or just about that thing down there. The beings I create are far less destructive. They create order.”

God coughed. “I know. They’re boring.”

“They thrive though. Your Samson will fail.”

“You’re confident in that, aren’t you, Lucifer?”

“Yes, I am. I have seen something within him that I have seen before.”

God nodded. “I know the weakness you’re referring to. I told you that you could make your move, and I meant it.”

“And I shall validate my original point in the process,” added Lucifer.

“That… is yet to be seen.”

Lucifer placed his glass to the table and gestured down to Delilah. The woman pouted, “You made a fool of me! How could you?”

Samson rolled his eyes. “I wanted kinky, woman, but a slew of soldier in the same bed as we is a bit less to my liking. But admittedly it was fun to kill them all, so I cannot be too mad at you. Also you have nice boobs.”

“Samson!” she cried.

“Yes, I am here, my dear. Shall I take off my pants or shall you do it? How dexterous are you with your teeth?”

“Samson! No lies this time! Tell me what it takes to subdue you! Can’t you tell that I love you?”

“This again,” he groaned.

“Please? I love you, Samson. I won’t call in the Philistines again. I promise. Can’t you see truth in these eyes?”

If Samson was to seek truth in her eyes, he would not have found it, but sadly, he had not been looking into her eyes at that particular moment. He had been looking at two other things. And so Samson said to her, “If anyone ties me securely with new ropes that have never before been used, I’ll become as weak as any other man.”

“Are you sure this time?”

“Yeah… sure. Take off your clothes.”

“That’s the second lie,” said God.

Lucifer nodded as he rolled the glass in his fingers. “I know.”

“And another group of Philistines just bit the dust.”

“I know.”

“Are you having as much fun as I am, Lucifer?” Lucifer did not answer.

To be continued.

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Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Spinoff, Part 13

“Do you love me?” asked Delilah as she kissed and was kissed by Samson.

“Yes,” he told her as he lay on top of her.

“Why do you love me?” she asked.

“Because of these,” he replied.

“Only these?” she asked.

“I love all three of you, but I am especially fond of these two.”

Delilah giggled as he began to kiss them and fondle them. “Would you like to hear a riddle?” he asked.

“I’m not much for riddles, Samson.”

“That’s fine,” he said with a grin. “We can skip the riddles and just get right to the punchline.”

“Punchline?”

“Sex.”

“Oh?”

“Yes, get it? The punchline is my—“

“Yes! Yes, I understand,” Delilah giggled. “But I thought we could talk for a bit.”

“About what?” Samson seemed a little disappointed.

Delilah brought him into another embrace and kissed him full on the lips. She looked him in the eyes and asked, “Tell me of the secret of your strength and how you would be subdued.”

“What for?” he asked with a grin.

“So we can get kinky together. Don’t you like kinky?”

“Maybe,” Samson continued to grin.

Delilah rubbed his cheek softly. “If you tell me, I’ll be sure to make it fun for you.”

“You promise?”

“I do.”

“Sure you don’t want just one riddle?”

She giggled. “Samson, please.”

“Okay. So this is how it works. You have to tie me up with seven fresh bowstrings that have not been dried. After that, I’ll be yours to command.”

“He lied,” said God.

“Yes, I know,” said Lucifer. “I need more time.”

“I figured you might.”

God leaned back in his chair as he watched the Philistines attempt to capture Samson and utterly fail. He sighed and chuckled at the head bashings that occurred afterwards. “That never gets old,” chuckled God. “I will honestly never tire of seeing your people get killed, Lucifer.” The angel groaned a little but continued to stare at the table with intent.

To be continued.

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Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Spinoff, Part 12

God was leaning over the table in a somewhat lazy way. He watched as Samson traveled into the Valley of Sorek. There he met a woman and went off with her to do naughty things. God smiled lightly and clapped his hands as Samson did one of the things he did extremely well. “That’s my boy!” he chuckled.

Lucifer walked over and sat in the chair next to God. “Can we talk?”

God looked away from the table and to his greatest angel. “Is it gonna be something stupid again?”

“No.”

“Because seriously… I’m running out of vases, Lucifer.”

“Yes, I know. I’ve given up on that analogy.”

“After six times though.”

“Yes,” groaned Lucifer. “I won’t break any more of your vases. I just want to talk.”

God nodded and leaned back in his chair. “What’s the topic?”

“Delilah,” replied Lucifer.

“Delilah? Delilah who is getting boinked by Samson? That Delilah?”

“Yes. Her.”

God nodded accommodatingly. “Say what you want to say, Lucifer.”

Lucifer began, “Delilah is a woman whom I have entirely placed my hands upon. She is a creature bound to my will. I have taken her away from you as I did with Eve. She has eaten of the fruit and has given up her humanity.”

“Yes, I am aware,” replied God.

Lucifer leaned over a bit onto the table. He was extremely solemn in his approach and God was likewise in his reception. The angel then said, “I am rather uncomfortable with what I am about to ask of you. I do not enjoy asking anything of you. If you haven’t figured it out yet, I don’t like or approve of you.”

“Understood. Don’t really care, but I appreciate you being open about your feelings. Although I feel the need to repeat that I actually do not care.”

“Yes,” nodded Lucifer with a groan.

God smiled and said, “You may make your request since you are being so mannerly.”

Lucifer placed a delicate hand to his own smooth and beautiful face for a moment. He breathed in deep before resting his arm back to the side of the table. “My request is this: That I be allowed to make my play unmolested.”

God nodded. “You are, of course, aware that, if I allow you to do this, I may at any time go back on my word.”

“That is, naturally, your privilege,” said Lucifer. “I am simply trying to be as polite as I can about this. I feel it is something that needs to be done.”

“To prove a point, I suppose.”

“Yes.”

God smiled. “Granted. And I shall not molest you in your efforts, nor will I go back on my word. But once you have proven your point, I shall take back control. Is that understood?”

“Of course.”

God motioned to the table. “Then do what you will.”

The angel’s face twitched only lightly as he nodded. “Thank you, God.”

To be continued.

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Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Spinoff, Part 11

As God was watching what Samson was doing, Lucifer suddenly began making a ridiculous little ringing noise. The angel continued to gaze at the table as he pulled out his phone. Taking a moment to look at the CallerID, Lucifer groaned, “Ugh.”

“Who is it?”

“Look, I’ll be right back. I need to take this.”

“Okie dokie,” said God who may not have actually cared to begin with.

Lucifer stepped into the other room and answered the call. “Yeah, Dagon. I told you never to call me up here.” He rubbed his eyes as he listened. “No, I can’t come down there right now. You know how much I hate the smell of fish.”

Lucifer sat down on a couch near where the computer was set up. He groaned as he heard the yammering of one of his demon acquaintances. “Samson is doing what now? Messing everything up? Yep. I know much too well about what he has been up to. I’ve been watching the whole thing with God.”

Lucifer nodded casually as he listened to further complaints. “Look, Dagon, it’s not as if I can just tell him to butt out of our lives. He’s God. Besides, he promised me I could win the next poker game.” He paused. “Well, I have to win at least one of them, shouldn’t I?”

Still the complains continued. “Dagon. Dagon! Calm down please. Your attitude is most unbecoming. I have a plan well in hand. I have been working very hard on the matter. Things are all falling into place. The Samson story is nearing its end, and you will be all the better for it.

“Imagine how much easier it will be once he is gone? You’ll get at least another thousand fish carvings. You like fish carvings, don’t you? Yes. I can hear from your voice that you do. I know how much the little swimmy things mean to you. Just imagine your great temple filled to the brim with all those lovely fish carvings.”

Lucifer smiled blandly. “It’s good to hear you calming down. Remember that cooler heads will always prevail. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and all that.

“Oh, and, Dagon… please don’t call me again. I’ll call you if I need you. Understand? Good.” Lucifer hung up and went back into the table room. He sat down next to God who was still staring down at Earth.

Without looking, God asked Lucifer, “How is Dagon doing?”

“Could be better,” muttered Lucifer.

“Still smells like fish.”

“Yep.”

God nodded. “I’m glad I don’t smell like fish.”

“Don’t we all,” replied the angel.

To be continued.

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Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Spinoff, Part 10

“When are you going to admit it?” asked Lucifer as God sat in his normal seat at the table.

“Hmm?” hummed God. “That you’re a self-righteous pansy?”

“No, not that,” grumbled the angel. “When are you going to admit that you made a mistake?”

“I’ll be honest, Lucifer. I haven’t really been thinking about if what I did was a mistake or not. I’ve just been sitting back and enjoying the show. You should too, you know?”

The angel sighed. “I find it hard to enjoy what has been happening with this Samson travesty. When I created hybrids, the world saw law and order. It was realized and enacted with surgical perfection. There was a rhyme and reason to it all. It was a mastery of the craft.

“But you… You went into it with absolutely no purpose. You obviously have no respect for your own creation.” God was leaning over the table fiddling with something. “Are you even listening to me, God?”

“Hmm?” hummed God again. “What? Yes, I was listening.”

“What are you doing now?”

“Um… nothing. Just got bored with all your rambling and was using my finger to draw a heart shape on Pluto.”

“Ugh!” growled the angel.

God turned about to look at him. “What is wrong with you? Nobody’s ever gonna see it!”

“Sometimes… you just make me so angry!”

God shrugged. “I make a lot of people angry, Lucifer. I don’t really care. It’s not like they can even comprehend the significance of anything I do. Even you. You never got it. If you did, you would have wanted your own Samson action figures.”

“Those things are ridiculous,” hissed Lucifer.

“I disagree. And the new one coming out might change your mind. More of a statuette really. Depicts the great Samson standing before a Philistine fountain.”

“Don’t tell me. He’s peeing in it, isn’t he?”

“Oh, so you’ve seen it already!”

Lucifer threw up his hands. “Enough of this! When will you admit to your mistake?!”

God chuckled. “Real cute, Lucifer. Really had me quaking in my boots there.”

Lucifer pointed a finger at him. “This story will not end the way you think! I still control a portion of your creation. Admit to it! I shall use my own resources against your creation and prove that I deserve better than you have given me.”

God leaned back in his chair a bit so that he could face his angel. He said, “Lucifer, sit down.” Lucifer sat down. “Now stand up.” Lucifer stood up. God nodded and said, “At the end of the day, I have all the cards. You are nothing greater than the humans of Earth to me. Whatever happens next may be what it is, but you can prove nothing to me but what I already know. Now, agree with me.”

“I agree with you.”

“Good. I had a feeling that you would. Now, be a good angel and watch as the story unfolds.”

“All right,” said Lucifer. And so he did.

To be continued.

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Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Spinoff, Part 9

Having hired the singed fox and the chicken goat into my council, the three of us proceeded to unlock a rather strange mystery, all having to do with a set of gates and a hill. The fox was the first to bring it to my attention. “Not sure how it happened,” he told me. “Found them a short distance away from Gaza, just stuck in the ground like a gateway to nowhere.”

“In which way did they face?” asked I.

“Towards Hebron.”

“Any reason why?”

“Not sure why. Perhaps we should ask the wise chicken goat for his expertise.”

And so we did. We brought the chicken goat to the very spot that the fox had spoken of, and, sure enough, there were the gates of Gaza just standing there. When looking to the chicken goat for answers, we were surprised to see that his cheeks were puffed up full of air. No doubt he was about to breathe out an answer that would explain this mystery once and for all.

Buh ge-ge-ge habalabuh!

I looked to the fox for a translation, but sadly he was at a loss just the same. So we were back to square one. “I figure it wouldn’t hurt for us to visit Gaza and ask about to see what happened,” said the singed fox.

“Perhaps. I’m not really supposed to be there right now. Wrong part of the line.”

“You’ve come this far, haven’t you? Come on, let’s go. May the wisdom of the wise and goofy chicken goat guide our foot paws.” And so we all went to Gaza.

“He really has gone insane,” said God as he watched this.

“Yes, he has,” agreed Lucifer.

Upon entering into Gaza, it was painfully obvious that everyone was walking about with a particular consternation as to the fact that… well, there was no gate, at least on one side. We thought it prudent to split up and ask questions and so record the findings for posterity.

“Why is the author of the blog doing this?” asked Chris.

“Because he’s insane!” cried Mr. Nobody. Lucifer looked around as if he thought he heard something but then simply ended up ignoring the voice.

God explained, “The author of the blog didn’t have a lot to go on with this part of the event. The Bible–eh, that’s this silly book people read to learn about me. The Bible didn’t really cover this part extensively enough. I knew it was coming though, so that’s why I got everybody popcorn.”

“I would prefer more butter,” said Lucifer. God held his finger over Lucifer’s bag, and butter spewed forth from his finger in a rather weird way until there was quite a bit more butter in his bag than there was popcorn.

“Happy now?” asked God. Lucifer scowled and just tossed his bag away where it landed squarely upon Chris’s head.

“Excuse me, sir?” asked the fox. A citizen of Gaza was not sure who was talking to him at first. “Down here please,” added the vulpine.

The citizen peered down and gasped. “A talking fox! How strange!”

“It is not that strange if you pretend that it isn’t.”

“That is true. I guess I’ll do that. How can I help you?”

“I was wondering what happened to the Gaza gate. We found it on a hill.”

“Isn’t it terrible?”

“Is it though?”

“Oh yes. It was Samson who did it. We were all asleep at the time, but there were enough people outside to have seen him done it.”

“Who helped him?” asked the singed fox.

“He did it all by himself. Lifted the gate up with all of its poles, bar and all. It was an impressive show of strength, but most definitely in bad form.”

“Bad form?”

“The taking of one’s own gate is considered to be very demeaning. We all feel naked and exposed now. Egad.”

“Thank you,” smiled the fox.

After the singed fox got back up with me with the information, I then turned to ask my own questions, “So Samson was here?”

A soldier replied to my question, “Yes, and we intended to kill him. We found out he was with one of our prostitutes.”

“Why didn’t you kill him?”

“Well, it’s like this: We didn’t necessarily feel right about interrupting Samson and the lady of the night while they were in a romantic way. So my mates and I made a decision to wait out front of his door for when they would finish. We figured that dawn was a good estimate. Then we would go in there and slay him where he laid. The only problem was that he left a lot earlier than we thought and made off with our gates. That’s an extremely insulting gesture, by the way.”

“Yes, I heard. Thank you.”

And now it was the wise and eternally giddy chicken goat’s turn. “Buh giggity?!” he ask a soldier at the gate.

“Ah, yes. I’ll talk to you about it. You seem to be a very honorable chicken-sounding goat.”

“Buh gick! Gi-hick! Hububla!”

“Oh, it was a very brief but terrible fight. Samson just sort of busted out of the doors and tossed anyone away that got near him. It was dark and we were having difficulty seeing what was happening. It was not until daylight that we saw that he had slain a number of the soldiers on the way to the gate.”

“Buh ger? We-guh-guh?”

“Yes, that was when the gates were taken away. It really hurt our feelings. We’ve been busy creating little safe spaces for all the traumatized citizens. We’re helping to make some crying closets for them too, but we are having trouble obtaining the plush animals needed to make them effective. But it sure has been good talking to you.”

“Buh gi-gi-guh!”

“My, yes. So true!”

And so once the wise and flippity chicken goat returned with his side of the story, everything seemed to fall into place. It is my belief that Samson, after having his fun with the prostitute, became aware of the ambush and so turned the tables on them. After a brief battle, he went to the gates and tore them up, making away with them. This, at the time, was considered a very big insult. We may never have figured this part out if it had not been for the help of the singed fox and the wise and often horny chicken goat. [Buh gi-gi!] Back to you, God!”

“Thank you, T.K.,” said God holding a microphone. Everyone looked at him. He tossed it away and went back to the table.

To be continued.

Thank you for reading my blog! Did you enjoy it? Either way, you can comment below, or you can email me at tkwadeauthor@gmail.com. You can also visit my website at www.tkwade.com. Check out my books! Thanks!

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Spinoff, Part 8

Chris panted as he stepped back from the new shelves he had just built. “I’m finally done,” he said, dropping his hammer to the floor. “And it only took me fifteen years.”

“Oh, good. You’re finally finished, Slowpoke,” said God bumping Chris out of the way.

“Couldn’t you have just poofed the shelves onto the wall yourself?”

“Yep,” said God as he began putting various action figures up. “Hey, Lucifer! Come over here! There’s something I want you to see!”

The angel walked into the room and found a new set of shelves completely filled with little, plastic Samson people. “What is this?” he asked.

“It’s my new collection. Let me introduce you.”

“To these plastic people?” asked Lucifer.

“Yep! Okay, check out the first one here. This is Happy Rage Samson with donkey bone accessory. He’s one of the original. Comes with Philistine slaying action too. Just push that button on his back.” Lucifer pressed the button and watched as Samson’s hand went up and down, while laughing happily about the killing he was doing. “This is so much fun!” cried the little figure.

“Quaint,” said Lucifer.

“I know,” chuckled God. “And over here is Conversational Samson. If you press the button, he tells you how he feels.”

Lucifer pressed the button and Samson spoke in a prerecorded voice, “Your opinion doesn’t matter because I’m gonna kill you anyways!”

“A bit barbaric,” said Lucifer.

“Press it again,” grinned God.

Lucifer did, and Conversation Samson said, “Bow-ties are stupid!”

The angel groaned and asked, “Isn’t that a bit insulting to people who wear bow-ties?”

“Yep! And now for one of my favorites.” God pointed. “I present to you, Samson the Barbarian! It’s the same as regular Samson, only played by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Press the button.”

Lucifer clicked in the button and Samson pointed and shouted, “The Philistines have a bomb! Get to the choppa now!” God broke out into a fit of knee-slapping laughter.

“I’m not sure why you are bothering with all of these,” groaned Lucifer.

“Wait, I haven’t shown you the Samson-Mobile yet!”

“God, why do you persist in collecting these silly toys?”

“I’m a big fan is why. Samson has done nothing but make me smile ever since he popped out of his mother.”

“But he’s an idiot,” stated Lucifer.

“What’s your point?”

“He ate his own rattle at two months.”

“I’d like to see any other two-year-old who could eat a rattle. Look, Lucifer, I hate stupid humans like the best of them, but Samson is the perfect example of brawn over brain. He doesn’t care about all the stupid problems of everyone else. He just does what he wants because he can.”

“Reminds me of someone.”

“Me?”

The angel nodded. “The impulsiveness of it. He is a bully. After all, he throws his power around at the expense of others.”

“Glad you noticed,” smiled God. “But why are you speaking on behalf of that other guy?”

“Because I genuinely care for them.”

“Only as an extension of your own ego. You feel wronged by me; I get that. But sometimes you seem to forget that the only reason you get to talk to me at all is by privilege. If I want you it of you, you would be the same as the snakes slithering in the sand. All that you do and can do comes from me.”

Lucifer shook his head. “You don’t understand. I’ve done what I could to explain it to you, but you never listen. Your power may be great, but you take no responsibility for the things that you do. Thousands of people have died because of your Samson. If you really cared about your creation, you would have never put him in charge.”

God pointed at the table. “Listen well, Lucifer. Right now the only person in that swamp known as the Human Race that I care about is that one man. I don’t give a damn when any Philistine dies. What have any of your people done to deserve to live?”

“We were created,” said Lucifer. “And by dint of us never having a say in the matter, so too do we gain the right to live our lives in the way that we wish.”

God stared at Lucifer for a while. Soon he picked up his Professional Wrestler Samson figure and pressed the button. Samson pointed a finger at Lucifer and shouted, “It doesn’t matter what you think!” Lucifer groaned and walked out of the room. God looked down at his figure and squealed, “This one is my new favorite.”

To me continued.

Thank you for reading my blog! Did you enjoy it? Either way, you can comment below, or you can email me at tkwadeauthor@gmail.com. You can also visit my website at www.tkwade.com. Check out my books! Thanks!