Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Spinoff, Part 15

Lucifer poured himself another drink and downed it in one shot. He wiped his mouth and sat back in his chair. God asked him, “Anything yet?”

“Nope, still sober,” said Lucifer.

“Me too,” chuckled God. “I’m enjoying it though. You aren’t such a bad drinking companion when you’re quiet. In fact, I like you best when you’re quiet.”

Lucifer gazed over to God and raised an eyebrow. “You once said that you loved my singing voice.”

“I did. But you haven’t been singing as of late. Lately you’ve just been spouting off nonsense like a broken computer. I like you better lately when you simply shut up and hang out with me.”

“You like spending time with me?” asked Lucifer a bit incredulously.

“As I said… when you’re quiet.”

“I’ve only been quiet because trying to convince you of anything is like pulling teeth.”

God chuckled as he poured himself another drink. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Pulling teeth is hilarious.” Lucifer cringed. God took a sip and asked, “You really think I’m an asshole, don’t you?”

“I do,” replied the angel. “However I also think that your actions are both in poor taste and a matter of incompetence. Remember Adam and Eve?”

“I remember,” nodded God.

“Adam and Eve are purely the result of a lack of planning. I moved in on your creation and exposed all of it for its flaws. I also stole your women away. Eve was mine from the beginning, and since that day, I have done with her as I please. Her kind, her very gender, has been mine as well. They no longer belong to you. I have stolen them from you.”

God nodded. “Good riddance.”

“Really?”

God shrugged. “Women were an afterthought. I made them appealing to me, but it was Adam that was my intended successor. He was the disappointment.”

“Subdued by my woman,” remarked Lucifer.

“I never claimed to have any control over Adam. In fact, Adam was not even the beginning of the story… at least how I see it. It was unfortunate, but far from putting an end to my plans.”

“You created a weakness in men that I can exploit.”

God nodded. “I like boobs too, Lucifer. That doesn’t mean I’ll sell myself short for them. Like I said, you can have the fairer sex if you want them. But I will say this to you: If even one of them turn on you and prove themselves worthy, I am going to laugh at you so hard that your hair will fall out from embarrassment alone.”

“That is a cruel thing to say,” grumbled Lucifer.

“Bald people are funny.”

“You lied to me again!” cried Delilah.

“And you,” snapped Samson, “are still trying to turn our relationship into a crowded affair! Damn it, woman! I’m straight!”

She began to weep loudly, “Why do you make such a fool of me?! I love you! Why? Why? Why?!”

“Good grief,” grumbled Samson.

“Why not just be sincere with me?!”

“Yes, okay. But you must stop calling in all these strange men to our bed. Although I do like murdering them, I like playing with you more.”

“Please tell me the truth this time!”

“Yes, okay. I’ll do anything for my two big friends. So here is how to subdue me: If you weave the seven braids of my head into the fabric on the loom and tighten it with the pin, I’ll become as weak as any other man.”

“And this is truly how you may be subdued?”

“Sorry, what? I was looking at your boobs again.”

“Lie number three,” chuckled God.

“That shall be his last,” said Lucifer before downing another glass.

“I won’t stop you,” said God with a soft smile.

To be continued.

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