Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Spinoff, Part 33

Everdread was not really his real name, but that was how he was known. His name was a sort of clue to his personality and his profession. Everdread was the leader of a band of marauders that had been causing a lot of trouble in Canaan recently.

Of course, on the day in question, Everdread and his followers did not have any particular marauding planned. So they had taken to picking on a poor fox who had his tail burned. “What a pathetic thing you are!” shouted Everdread. “You’ll never be a proper fox with a tail like that.”

The Singed Fox’s feelings were hurt by those words. Being that he could somehow talk, the fox told him, “That wasn’t very nice. I’ll have you know that my tail was burned long ago by a great man who was the favorite of God himself.”

“Lies!” laughed Everdread.  “And even if it were true, why would you be proud of such a thing?”

“Due to the fact that the great, wise, and giggity Chicken Goat helped me find peace in that fact. He has since passed on, but only I have found the will to live for many generations through his counsel.”

“Well, you’ll find no favor with the likes of us. We do not like your God, nor do we like any of his creations. We don’t even like ourselves. Stay here any longer and we may consider making up some fox stew!”

“I’m not sure that would be very tasty,” whimpered the fox. “But as the wise and often jiggity Chicken Goat once said, “Guh blah! Gigigigi flibbity!”

“And what’s that supposed to mean?” asked Everdread.

“I’m not really sure,” stated the Singed Fox. “But I just like the sound of it.”

“Get out of here!” snapped the chief marauder. The fox quickly ran away past a tall and glaring Cynocephaly.

“Oh? What have we here?” asked Everdread when he noticed the newcomer. “Another doggy wants to play?”

“My name is Christopher,” said the dog-headed man. “I am a Cynocephaly and a former charge of the king of Canaan. But I have left them to lend my services to you.”

“You have?” asked Everdread curiously. “And why is that?”

“Because I have heard that you presently serve the Devil, and that the Devil is the strongest in the world. Is that not true?”

“Aye, it’s true,” nodded Everdread. His men followed suit. “There is none stronger than the great Devil himself. We’ve tattooed ourselves with his likeness in places we dare not show.”

“I’d like to see them.”

“But we dare not show them. You may, however, join us if you wish. I have heard a great many things about you dog-headed people. You’ll be a great addition to our band… as long as you are fine with all the killing, rape, and pillaging you’ll be doing.”

“Is that what the Devil commands of me?”

“Aye. He does.”

“Then I will do what the Devil commands.”

“And his words be mine,” grinned Everdread.

“Then I will do what you say… master.” It is safe to say that Everdread really enjoyed being called that.

To be continued.

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Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Spinoff, Part 32

“But I’m confused,” said God.

“When are you not?” grumbled Lucifer.

God glared for a moment which made Lucifer look away. God then remarked, “I was under the impression that you wanted the Cynocephaly to serve you.”

“Yes,” muttered the angel.

“And wasn’t he already technically serving you?”

“Yes.”

“And so he basically ended up leaving you for… you.”

“Yes.”

God chuckled for a moment before saying, “I’m not seeing the part where you should be getting upset.”

“That’s because I’m not done telling the story!” snapped Lucifer.

“There’s more?”

“You know there’s more.”

“I do?” asked God bewildered.

“Yes! You know everything, don’t you?”

God scratched his chin. “Well, I used to anyways. I may still. I guess I just haven’t paid much attention since retirement. I’ve been more concerned with Chris and how silly I can make him look.”

“That’s stupid.”

“Everybody needs a hobby.”

The angel groaned. “Do you want to hear the rest of this story or not?”

God nodded. “I do! I really do. I mean… It’s not entirely un-entertaining. I haven’t thought about Canaan in a long while. Not really the greatest fellows I have ever had to deal with.”

“Canaan was made great because of the Cynocephaly.”

“It was?” asked God surprised. “Then why the heck did you kill them all off?”

“Because I had to! Because you just have to mettle in everything that I do, I was forced to take those drastic actions! You always do this! You can’t just accept that I have done something just as amazing as you have!”

“You boinked a dog.”

“That is beside the point!”

“You actually boinked a dog. Like it just stood there while you did things to it.”

“God!”

The old man groaned as he sat back in his chair. “Back when I was creating things, I never boinked a dog. I never boinked anything. Honestly I think I would have felt a bit silly if I had to do that. Ever seen the humans boink with animals? It’s incredibly goofy looking.”

Lucifer, at this point, was covering his face in the palm of his hand. Crestfallen, he muttered, “Can we… just… continue… the story… please?”

“I mean… Remember that one bearded guy with the goat down in Sodom? I still can’t un-see that.”

“Pleeeeeeeeease,” groaned the angle.

God went quiet. Lucifer uncovered his face to see God just looking at him. “Well, go on,” encouraged God with a grin.

“Fine.”

To be continued.

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Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Spinoff, Part 31

Christopher had been working on another potion when he overheard two people talking within an adjacent room. Being a Cynocephaly, he naturally had very good hearing. The conversation he heard went something like this:

Mystery Human 1: “Have you heard about that new band of marauders?”

Mystery Human 2: “Yes. A terrible lot. It is good we work within the palace where it is safe.”

Mystery Human 1: “Yes. Curse those villains. They are creatures of the Devil.”

Mystery Human 2: “Wait. Do you feel that?”

Mystery Human 1: “Feel what exactly?”

Mystery Human 2: “That creepy feeling that two eyes are glaring at you from an unseen location.”

Mystery Human 1: “Uh, yeah. I think I know what you mean. I wonder why that is.”

Christopher had stopped working on his potions for the moment. Instead he had positioned his snout only an inch away from the wall and was glaring with the creepiest face imaginable as he listen to the two mysterious humans talk.

But after a time, he began to seriously consider what he had heard. “The Devil?” he muttered to himself. “I’ve never heard of this person. I better ask my master. He knows everything!”

Presently, the king of Canaan was busy pinching himself. It was not something he particular enjoyed doing. But the way he thought of it, the more he pinched himself, the better sort of person he was. The pain was a sort of penance. But since it was not very much pain, he had to do it as often as he could find the time. This generally translated into about thirty pinches before bedtime, twenty in the morning, and as many as he could do under the table during big dinner meets. The king of Canaan was a very penitent sort of person.

So as the king was pinching himself, he suddenly came to the realization that two creepy eyes were glaring quite hard at him from behind. “Egad! How did you come in here?!”

Christopher suddenly smiled sweetly and replied, “Through the door, master.”

“But I locked it.”

“Yes, but the lock was simple.”

“You picked my lock?”

“Broke it, master.”

“Wha… But what for?”

“I had a question that I really wanted an answer to… and then possibly I could have some treats as well.”

The king was a tad nervous. “You broke the lock on my door just to ask me a question and get a treat?”

“Yes, master. But I was willing to wait for you to stop pinching yourself.”

The king of Canaan sighed and sat down. He picked up his treat bucket and said, “All right. Very well. What is your question?”

“Who is the Devil?” asked the Cynocephaly.

The king gasped. “Where did you hear about the Devil?”

“I heard two people talking about him in another room. Who is he?”

“Oh dear,” whimpered the king as he immediately crossed himself. Christopher saw this odd gesture. He knew it to be a common thing humans did when they were afraid. “We should not talk about him. You should continue to be a good servant and make potions for me when I ask you too. Would you like to have a treat?”

Christopher was making what was quite possibly the creepiest stare he had ever made. The king saw this glare and immediately had goosebumps. He reached into his treat jar and said, “Here, have a treat! Take all the treats!” And so the king continuously tossed treats at Christopher, but the Cynocephaly never caught them. He just stood there… glaring… creepily glaring… as little doggy treats slapped him in the face and fell to the floor below.

Later that night, Christopher sat in his room looking out at the starry night. After releasing a woeful sigh, he said to himself, “The king seems to fear the Devil. And if he does indeed fear him, then the Devil must be a greater king than he. Therefore I must go out and serve the Devil.” And so without waiting another moment, Christopher stood to his feet, made his way out of the palace, and went to go find and serve the Devil.

To be continued.

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Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Spinoff, Part 30

“You’re talking about stuff I had nothing to do with,” said God.

“You had everything to do with it,” grumbled Lucifer.

“I’ve just been sitting here drinking from my grape-flavored coconut. Speaking of which… where is Chris with my fresh one?”

“You aren’t listening to me,” groaned the angel. “You never listen. All you ever care about is yourself.”

God furrowed his brow. “What are you talking about? I’ve been listening this whole time.”

“Prove it.”

“Really?”

“Yes, prove to me that you have been listening.”

God made a genuinely creepy face at Lucifer which the angel found a bit unnerving. “Okay, you’ve made your point.”

God resumed his normal face and looked around to see where Chris had gone off too. “So you were saying?”

“Christopher was not just a Cynocephaly. He was one that I thought I could trust. He was doing good work for one of my servants.”

“The king of Canaan was your servant?”

“One of them. Yes.”

“I guess that explains the potions he was making. But I still don’t understand why you had to kill off the whole race if you liked them so much.”

Lucifer sneered. “That’s the part that I blame you for.”

God leaned on the table and groaned. “I’m retired. I’ve pretty much been trying to relax while trying to come up with new and creative ways to dress Chris up. I’ve ordered him a fur-suit. He’s gonna be a feline called Stormlion Fuzzynuts.”

“You aren’t listening again!”

God grunted. “I was just making conversation, Lucifer. Just tell me the story.”

“As if you don’t already know.”

“Lucifer, there are many things that I know, but a great many other things that I don’t actually care about. I let you come over here because you seemed to want to lay something in my lap. I’m letting you. If you want to continue the story, I’m willing to listen.”

“I’m really upset,” said Lucifer.

“I can see that.”

“You never cared when I was upset.”

“Not always true, but whatever. Just tell me the story.”

Lucifer sighed miserably for a moment before replying, “All right… so this is when things went off the rails.”

To be continued.

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Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Spinoff, Part 29

The king of Canaan was looking through his collection of potions the next day when he heard the door to his chamber open up. When he turned around his heart stopped for a moment. Christopher was standing there with that same creepy glare he had been doing ever since that awkward moment happened within the hallway of the palace. “Welcome, Christopher,” greeted the king nervously.

At once, the creepy glare went away, and Christopher smiled as he padded over to be with his king. “I am here for you, master. How are my potions?”

“They seem to be in good order,” replied the king. “They are not for myself, mind you, but for another king who wishes to buy them from me. He doesn’t have a Cynocephaly as intelligent as you.”

“Thank you,” said Christopher.

“Did you want another treat?”

Christopher made that creepy glare again, but only for a few seconds. He soon lowered himself to the floor and looked up lovingly to his master. “I do want a treat but I would rather have an answer to a question.”

“I can provide you with that, Christopher. What question would you like to have answered?”

“I am a bit confused after you explained that some kings may have treats that are not as good as yours. And then it led to a bit more of an awkward question of if there may be greater kings than just you.”

“I don’t think the quality of the treats have anything to do with how great the king is, Christopher.”

“That was my concern, master.”

“Is that what you wanted to know?”

“Not entirely, master. I do have another question.”

“Speak it,” urged the king.

“Now that I know that the quality of yummy treats given are not to be used to mark the quality of the king handing them out, I only wish to know who the greatest king is in this world so that I may serve him.”

“You wish to only serve the greatest king?”

The dog-headed man nodded really fast. “I do! I do! I do! Yes! Yes! I do!”

“Okay,” nodded the king of Canaan. “Then… in that case… that king would be me. I am the greatest king in the world.”

Christopher made creepy face again. “Really, master?”

“Yes… and please stop making that face.”

Christopher obeyed and stood back up. He then bowed and told the king, “Then I am right where I need to be. It is an honor to be in the service of the greatest king in the world.”

“And it is a pleasure to have you at my side, Christopher,” said the king. “Treat now?”

“Treat now!” cried Christopher. Treat was given. It was yummy.

To be continued.

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Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Spinoff, Part 28

There was, in the old days of Canaan, one particular Cynocephaly by the name of Christopher. He was a whopping seven and a half feet tall and had a face which most saw as rather fierce. This face was, of course, a dog’s face. In this age, there were many dog-headed men walking about doing good service for the king of the day.

Christopher had a great privilege of being the personal assistant to the king of Canaan himself. It was a good and powerful job, but Christopher was not into it for the power. “Can I please have another treat?” asked Christopher of the king.

“Have you finished your duties, Christopher?” the king asked.

“Yes, yes. I created the potions like I was asked. They are very potent. One sip and you cannot say no to anything. I worked really hard on it. It was fun. Can I have my treat now, master?”

“I think you have earned it,” said the king.

“I did! I really did! Treat please!”

So the king reached into his pocket and tossed the seven-foot-tall Cynocephaly a treat. It must have been very yummy because Christopher had little hearts in his eyes as he snapped it up and munched down on it. “Please more?” the dog-headed man asked.

“Oh, not now,” replied the king. “I am very busy, but I will give you more treats as you continue to serve me.”

“I will always serve you,” claimed Christopher, “for you are the greatest king in all of the world.”

“What makes you think that?” asked the curious king who had been trying to walk away.

“Because you are the only king who gives me treats. Surely none other would do that. I am very impressed.”

The king laughed at what he heard. This laughter only confused Christopher. He had not been trying to make a joke. It was then explained, “I am certain that there are other kings who had treats which are just as good, if not better. But I am pleased that you are such a loyal follower.”

Christopher glared at the king with wide canine eyes that seemed to be locked in perpetual shock. “Oh,” was all he said.

Now somewhat uncomfortable by Christopher’s weird glare, the king said, “I mean… I know my treats are very good, but I doubt that has anything to do with me being the greatest king. You understand, right?”

The dog-headed man’s eyes seemed all the more intense and weird. Once again, Christopher replied with, “Oh.”

The king began to sweat. “Um… I’m going to walk away now.” The Cynocephaly still glared. First slow and then swiftly, the king ran away from the creepy dog who seemed to be having some sort of meltdown.

After nearly ten full minutes of just glaring at nothing, Christopher eventually blinked. He looked around a moment before becoming introspective. He said to himself, “I thought I was serving the greatest of kings… but as it turns out, he only has tasty treats. Is this king not as alpha as he once seemed? I must consider this turn of event… but first… more glaring.” And so Christopher remained standing there for a while long… just glaring down the hallway. It was really creepy.

To be continued.

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Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Spinoff, Part 27

“I know you don’t like to think of them as creations,” began Lucifer.

“Because they aren’t,” remarked God.

“Whatever. The other angels and I discovered we could create new and useful creatures by breeding with the various beasts of the earth. It was one of the most successful experiments that we ever embarked on. The superiority of the angels were being mixed with the worldly tactile things of the planet. They resulted in lifeforms vastly superior to the humans. And why are you making that face?!”

God did his best not to make that face anymore. “Sorry, Lucifer, but you’re actually saying these things with a passion that is laughable. These creatures you produced were demons. They were mere corruptions of what I had already created.”

“They were far more efficient than your humans,” claimed the angel.

“And twice as boring. But look, this is your story. Just continue in your own way.”

“Fine,” said God. “Thank you.” God nodded lazily.

“So, as I was saying, these creations of mine were far superior to any of the humans living on Earth. And we made many of these demons. But by far the most incredible of these were the Cynocephaly, an intelligent and loyal race created by the union of angel and canine.”

“So basically, you boinked a dog.”

Lucifer sneered. “I did not… boink a dog.”

“But I mean… that’s what you meant by union. You basically boinked a dog.”

“Quit saying that!”

“I’m not judging you, Lucifer. I’m only trying to confirm here, so that I understand where this story is going, that you or one of your angels basically had some extreme boinkage with man’s best friend.”

“Fine!” yelled Lucifer. “Yes, we boinked with dogs! Are you happy?!”

God shrugged. “Was just trying to clarify the situation. Please continue.”

Lucifer huffed for a bit before managing to get his composure back. “Yes, fine. The Cynocephaly was much like their canine counterparts. They were extremely loyal and honest with their masters. But on top of that, they were extremely intelligent and a masters of the scientific arts. Anubis was perhaps our greatest creation. He pioneered the science of death in ways the humans had never before discovered. It was very impressive.”

“The science of death, hmm?” muttered God.

“Yes, what’s the matter with that?”

“Isn’t death just when something stops working?” Lucifer glared. “So basically, Anubis figured out how to make things break better?” The angel continued to glare. “Please continue.”

Lucifer sighed and did continue, “Anubis was so impressive that we expanded the breeding into a massive race. They were everywhere. They all served us. They helped bring law and order to Earth. We had done what you never could.”

“O-kay,” said God as if entirely unimpressed. “So what happened?”

Lucifer scowled as he leaned back in his chair. He faced God and said, “Christopher happened.”

“My donkey butler?” asked God a bit confused.

“No!” yelled Lucifer. “A Cynocephaly named Christopher! He ruined everything… and it is your fault!”

To be continued.

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Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Spinoff, Part 26

In the beginning, God was sitting in the room he had always sat in. Although, presently, he was lounging back in a lawn chair, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, and drinking grape juice out of a coconut.

“Why not coconut juice?” asked Chris who was dressed in full butler attire.

“It’s been done,” replied God. “Besides, if I’m gonna be retired, Jeeves, I should be able to do what I want.”

“Are you really retired? I mean, you still knocked around all those planets in the Cartwheel Galaxy.”

God looked up and lifted up his sunglasses. “I was playing pool.”

“Oh,” muttered Chris shyly.

God put down his shades and tried to relax again. “Besides… just because I have passed things onto my son doesn’t mean I can’t fiddle around here and there. Technically, I already have fiddled around with the whole Line. I created it; why shouldn’t I get to touch it once in a while?”

“I guess so. Do you miss Mr. Nobody?”

God, once again, looked up at his man-slave. “What the heck are you talking about, Alfred?”

“He’s gone to be with your son.”

“He’s still technically here… sort of.” He resumed his relaxation and sighed. “He’s busy. Never really liked talking to me anyways. I’d rather he just do what he wants than be irritated with talking to me all the time. We’re still in touch… but it isn’t the same as it was.”

“Why do you look so sad though?”

“Why do you look like Mr. Belvedere? Just leave the hard questions for me, and maybe your head won’t explode. Now be a good boy and get me some more grape coconuts.”

Before Chris could do anything, a familiar angel walked into the room. Chris jerked in surprise as he came face to face with one of the most beautiful angels ever. “Lu-Lu-Lucifer. I didn’t… I didn’t hear you come in.”

The angel simply glared down at the boy as if he was nothing but an annoying speck. Chris, not knowing what to do, said, “I’ll go get that grape coconut for you, sir.” He spun around, accidently ran into a wall, before righting himself and running out of the room.

God slapped his knee and laughed. “Slapstick never gets old, does it, Lucifer?”

The angel ignored God and sat down. It appeared that he was not in the mood to be amused. God just stared at him for a little bit before sitting up. “You sad you didn’t get your own lawn chair?”

“I don’t want a stupid lawn chair,” replied Lucifer.

God looked down at his coconut. He held it up and said, “You can have this if you want. I mean, it’s nothing but coconut now. I already sucked all the grape out of it… and licked it… but I’m sure it’s still good.”

“I don’t want any of your stupid things!” snapped Lucifer.

“You sure? Chris can bring you some if he hasn’t run into any more walls on his way to the kitchen.”

The angel glared at God. “Do you think it is funny when you mock me?”

God calmly replied, “Yes, Lucifer. I legitimately find it funny.”

The angel quickly turned towards the reclining God and said, “I put a lot of effort into my creations. You never respected them. You never appreciated them even once.”

“That’s only because they were, one, not actually creations and, two, incredibly stupid.”

Lucifer swiped with his hand as he yelled, “But I explained this to you with the vase!”

God rolled his eyes and was soon getting up to sit down in a regular chair. “Lucifer, please lay off the vase analogy. I’ve entirely run out of vases which is an incredible feat… being that I’m actually God. You need to just face the simple fact that your so-call creations are woefully inadequate. Didn’t we cover this with the whole Samson thing?”

“But this time you went too far,” accused the angel.

God chuckled. “I’m God, Lucifer. I can go as far as I want. What is this all about anyways?”

“Oh, you wouldn’t care.” Lucifer turned away and began to pout.

God furrowed his brow. He leaned over the table and tried to look at his angel. “I care.”

Lucifer side glanced God. “You do?”

“I mean… sometimes. Once in a while. Okay, let’s say, at least, once a year.” Lucifer glared. “Once every decade?”

“Ugh,” groaned the angel.

“Look, just tell me what’s bothering you. I’m retired. I have plenty of time.”

Lucifer looked, once more, at God. He said, “It’s the Cynocephaly.”

“What about them?”

“You made me kill them all.”

To be continued.

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