Fairy Tale Spotlight: The Tooth Fairy Quits

There's no use making your complaints about it now. I've had it. I've been a mouse a lot longer than I've been a Tooth Fairy, but there isn't enough motivation left in me to keep this job. Do you have any idea of the indignities I have to put up with dealing with all your stupid teeth? No, you don't. You probably won't even care after reading about all this. But I've got something to say, and I want to get it all on the record (and off my tiny chest), before I turn in my letter of resignation.

First of all, what is wrong with all of you Americans? Tall, prettily dressed human women with long gowns that were probably bought at a diamond factory?! Are you really so shallow?! Who told you what the Tooth Fairy was supposed to be?! Let me tell you something. Who is more likely to steal those teeth from under your pillow at night: a big, stompy, human-like person, or a tiny floaty mouse? DON'T SAY HUMAN! The answer was mouse, and you know it!

The thing I really just don't understand about Americans is that they all obsess over pretty women. I do all this work, and then people go around drawing pictures of pretty girls and say, "Mommy! Mommy! This is the person who gave me five bucks!" You know, I was supposed to give you a flipping quarter, you little ingrate! I thought if I paid you more, you'd actually show me a little respect, but I guess not!

Oh, and we can go into the whole tooth to dollar exchange ratio. When are you goofy little brats actually going to be satisfied with anything I give you? Back in the olden times, a quarter was all that was needed to make you happy. It wasn't a penny, or a nickel, or a dime. It was a freaking quarter! That's one-forth of a whole dollar! And it isn't even the inflation that's making this bad. Half the time the children are upset because I didn't leave them a Nintendo Switch or something. I'm not made of money, you idiots! I'm trading off teeth! Just take your money and smile for a change! Sheesh!

Look, I am very sorry about doing all this yelling. Yes, I know that I am technically writing it, but it feels like I am yelling on paper or something. It's just... I'm just tired of being under-appreciated. Being a Tooth Fairy—and a mouse, frankly—is a thankless job. Sure, the other countries accept me, sort of, but I'm tired of all the Americans thinking I'm some nameless Disney Princess. I'm just a mouse, people! I have this stupid pointy hat and a magic wand. That's all they gave me. I'm not some beautiful woman, and I can't help that!

And that's why I have decided to quit. I am done. I do not want to do it anymore. I found a mouse that wants my job. Her name is Greta. She's a little cross-eyed, but she seems really eager to do it. I want to take all my teeth and exchange them so I can retire on the beaches of Acapulco. I want to be waited on hand and foot and served fancy cheeses for the rest of my life.

So—effective immediately—I am resigning as the Tooth Fairy. Maybe you Americans will get it right someday, but until then, you'll have to deal with Greta here. I'm done with all of you.

Acapulco, here I come!

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This blog was written on November 13, 2022.

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