Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 13

In the beginning, there was man named Moses who surprised people at nearly every moment of his life. It seemed quite clear from the time of his birth that he was a friend to God himself. So much of a friend that God actually remembered his name.

"But how is that possible?" asked Chris.

"How is what possible?" returned God.

"Moses hasn't even visited you. How can he be such a good friend that you even remember his name?"

"Familiarity breed contempt, Jerry," returned God. "I like humans a lot more when I don't have to look at them. Everything I've heard of this man sounds pretty awesome. I've been lending him my power."

"How come?"

"Well, after killing millions of humans, I finally think they're ready to move on to better things. All they need is to know just how powerful I really am. Nothing wrong with a healthy dose of the fear of me to set people straight."

And Moses did many great things in the name of God. His main purpose was to liberate his people, that being the Israelites, from the Pharaoh of Egypt. Any normal man would not be very convincing in this argument, but Moses proved to be in touch with a being far greater than the Pharaoh and those who served him.

Chris remarked, "I'm surprised at how stubborn the Pharaoh is. Moses is bringing so many terrible plagues upon him. Why doesn't he just release the Israelites?"

"He can't," replied God.

"Why not?"

"It's simple, Ted. I won't let him. It's a lot more entertaining this way. Imagine a man who sits coldly upon his throne while the palace around him melts into slag. It's funny. I enjoy seeing him suffer while sitting there still in his pride."

"But meanwhile, Moses cannot free his people," said Chris.

"Yes, I know. Moses and I are in communication. There are steps that need to be taken in order to push the Pharaoh in just the right way. You forget, Jordan, that this will be a story that will be told for generations to come."

"You're writing a story?"

"Creation is a story. Now put back on your feedbag. You need your oats."

Moses stood before the Pharaoh who had fallen prostate upon the floor. "My son," he wept in anguish. "Your God has murdered my son."

"Yes, he did," said Moses. "I warned you of it. Why did you not heed my warning?"

"Just go!" cried the Pharaoh. "Take your people and go!"

"His son?!" asked Chris in shock. "You murdered his son?!"

"I murder a lot of people," smiled God. "I murder them as if it was the easiest thing in the universe. And you know what? It is. I presented the Pharaoh with a simple decision. All he had to do was what I wanted. I was pissed off when he turned me down. So I made sure he suffered for it. He'll always suffer for it. Did he really think he could best me? That little man who sits on that tiny throne? Who is he to me, Duncan?"

"He's nobody," muttered Chris.

"And his pain is not about to end so quickly. For his heart is still set against me. I've made sure of it. I'll take what little he has left and destroy it all right before his eyes. The Israelites will see who it is that Moses serves and know that they are truly small before he who is great. They will learn this lesson easily because I will be so bold, so forthright, that there will be no way that they will ever turn from me again! Behold! I shall allow Moses to part the Red Sea!"

And so Moses parted the Red Sea. Moses led his people through the opening of the water across dry land. As God had expected, the Pharaoh had changed his mind and sent his men into the parted waters to take his slaves back to Egypt.

"Aaaaaaaaand SPLAT!" shouted God. "And there he stands at the edge looking out across the Red Sea where all his men were promptly drowned. I can see into his mind, Humphrey. He knows entirely the error of his ways. He knows perfectly where he went wrong and wonders how he continued to act so stupidly to the bitter end."

"It was you," muttered Chris.

"Yes. The Pharaoh forgot that he was only one human within an entire creation made by me. Everything he ever had was given to him by me. And just as I had given it to him, I took it away."

"And what about the Israelites?" asked Chris.

"Oh, they are in the palm of my hand. I've been giving them food and fire and all sorts of nice things. And Moses is going up a hill to come see me."

"What for?" asked Chris.

"I'm gonna give them a set of laws. Things are looking up!"

"I shall return soon!" shouted Moses to his people. "I shall travel up this mountain where I shall be given commandments by God himself!"

"God lives up there?" asked Mendel.

"No," corrected Moses. "We're just meeting up there."

"How long will you be up there?" asked Samuel.

"Probably about 40 days. Really, I have to get going. This is God we're talking about. You shouldn't keep him waiting."

"Why will it take so long to write down a set of laws?" asked Uri.

"Yes. Why is that?" asked Chris.

"I don't have time to explain circle-to-line time dilation mechanics to a donkey," said God. "Just shut up and watch."

And so Moses ascended the hill, and in forty days he came back down holding the sacred tablets. He looked a mess and was frightfully sunburned. But he was pleased that it was all worth it in the end. God knew what he was doing after all. He had a plan.

"Oh, crap," said Uri. "Is that who I think it is?"

Everyone stopped and looked at Moses as he stood there holding the commandments that he had promised. There they were all giving offerings to a golden calf of which they had made themselves. It was awkward for a bit. Moses was the first to break the silence, "Seriously?"

"We can explain," said Mendel.

"We thought you died!" shouted someone from within the group. "And then we got bored and invented a new god!"

"It's a cow," said Samuel. "Yefet was talking about how he really loved milk, and we sort of all realized how much we love milk."

"You aren't mad at us, are you Moses?" asked Uri nervously.

Moses furrowed his brow. He raised up the tablets and...

"No. No," said God covering his eyes. "Something went wrong."

"¿Qué?" asked Chris.

"Oh, don't start that bull again! I'm going to go talk to Mr. Nobody for a while. I need a break. I need... to just... reconsider some things. I just... Wow. I don't even... Ugh!" To be continued.

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