Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt.15

In the beginning, there was a grave misunderstanding among the people of God. It was the simple fact that they thought that God could not see them if they did one of two things. The first being if they were to place a simple cardboard box above their heads. The second was to run so very fast that God would have difficulty keeping up with them. As it turned out neither of these were true, but the belief perpetuated till present day. One of the most notable examples in history had to do with the city of Nineveh.

"I just don't understand it, Ludwig," said God.

"What is it?' asked Chris.

"The thing with the goat. I mean just look at those two fellows right there. And the goat. And what they are doing to the goat. Don't they know the goat is too stupid to understand any of it?"

"It looks confused," observed Chris.

"It IS confused. It's just a goat. Why is my creation so broken? Serious, I don't even understand this sort of nonsense."

"Are you going to destroy them?"

"I'm thinking about it, Bosley. I'm really thinking about it. There's this whole thing with chainsaw-wielding bears that I wanted to try. The thing about it is that not everybody there is all that bad. There's a sort of tipping point happening. They just need a push in the right direction."

"What will you do?" asked Chris.

"Give me the telephone, Julie. I've got a plan to save those goats once and for all."

"Hello?" answered a man named Jonah.

"Yes, this is God. I need you to make a trip to Nineveh."

"What for?"

"I need you to go to Nineveh and tell them that they are all idiots. Tell them that if they don't leave the goats alone, I'll destroy them all... and in a very creative way this time, tell them."

"Um. I can't right now," replied Jonah.

"Why not?"

"Because... KSSH... Sorry the... KKSSSHHH... The line seems to be KKSSSHHH... Can't hear you... KKKSSSHHHH." Jonah quickly hung up and ran as fast as he could.

God hung up and looked down at his table. "What in the world is he doing?"

"Maybe he is trying to find a better working phone," suggested Chris.

God forced his eyes into slits before saying, "He was doing those sounds himself, wasn't he?"

Jonah had an amazing idea. He believed that if he could run just so fast, that God could not get a lock on him. He ran as fast as he could and was sure that he had achieved just enough speed, just enough zig-zagging, that God could not figure out his present position. He jumped onto a boat and quickly requested, "I need you to take me to wherever!"

"Why?" asked the captain.

"I'm trying to get away from God."

"Oh, good news," said the captain. "We have some cardboard boxes down in the hold. That should keep him from seeing you."

Jonah sure felt lucky to find the only cardboard box delivery ship in 760 BC. He ran down into the hold as fast as he could and encased his entire body into the biggest cardboard box he could find. The ship then set sail to Tarshish which was currently in dire need of biodegradable containers to put things into... apparently.

"Damn," said God as he looked at his table.

"What is it?" asked Chris curiously.

"I can't see Jonah anymore. He's hiding inside a cardboard box on board a ship that's traveling to Tarshish. Whatever will I do now?"

"You can't see him?"

"Not a bit of him, Lenny. I can't see how he is all curled up in a box, smiling, thinking about how he's bested me. I can't see any of that. Even though I just pretty much described it."

"You can actually see him, can't you?"

"Yep. And I'm about to rock the boat!"

It was then, and quite clearly recorded in our world's history, that god placed his mighty finger into the water surrounding the boat and began to make little circles, figure eights, and ziggy-zags. These designs might have looked pretty from high up, but to the poor ship traveling to Tarshish, it was like being in the middle of a great storm.

"What do we do?!" cried the captain. "If this ship is sunk, those poor people will never have anything to put things in when they get tired of looking at them! Egad! This is terrible!"

"It must be Jonah's fault!" mentioned a crewman. "He was running away from God. Maybe the cardboard trick doesn't really work!"

"It doesn't work?!" cried the captain. "But it seemed like such a clever idea! No matter! Bring him up to me and let him tell us what to do!"

And so Jonah was brought to the deck where he was told of the current problems. "It's me," admitted Jonah. "God's a little smarter than I took him for."

"What should we do?" asked the captain.

"Toss me overboard. It's the only way."

And so Jonah was tossed overboard and was soon swallowed up by a great fish... or maybe it was a whale. Actually it might have just been a giant fish.

"Who is to say that it wasn't a giant fish?" stated God. "I created entire planets. I think I can handle one unusually large fish."

"Herman Melville thought whales were fish," said Chris.

"Nobody asked you, Wilhelm."

Jonah spent three days and three nights in that fish/whale. It was not pleasant at all. In fact, it was downright uncomfortable. But through it all, Jonah was humbled. And upon hearing a phone ringing inside the belly, he picked it up and immediately knew who he was connected to. "Before you say anything at all, let me just say that I am a total idiot. I screwed up. Wow, did I screw up. I seriously thought I could hide from you. Now that I look at it in hindsight, it doesn't even make a bit of sense that I would even try. My mamma always said I was a nincompoop, and I now understand what she meant by it. I should have just done as you had told me. What can I say... Whoops."

"Close enough," said God. "Go on, fish! Vomit the idiot up!"

"The end!" added God proudly.

"The end?" Chris was confused. "But what happened?"

"Well it all worked out for the best, didn't it? Jonah went to Nineveh. He told them the error of their ways. They cut that weird goat stuff out."

"Just from him saying so?"

"Yep. And it's just about the only fish story in history anyone ever bothered believing. But if you had seen him covered in fish vomit, you'd believe him too."

"You planned for him to run from the beginning, didn't you?"

"Yes, Heather. It's true. I'm an asshole." To be continued.

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Looks kind of like a fish to me...