Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 8

In the beginning, God created man. And he did with man as he wished. Some of it was good, and some of it was bad. But all that he did was his own works and so none of it could be contested. He was God, and that could not be debated or changed in any way.

For example, there was once a man by the name of Reubin who did not like how the world was being managed. And so he invented a device that was something like our modern telephones. With this device he found a way to give God a call.

God picked up and answered, "God of the cosmos and everything in it. How can I help you?"

"Everything sucks," said Reubin.

God jotted down the complaint with a pencil. "Mmhmm. And how long have you been having this problem with my world?"

"Since always," said Reubin. "I'm sick and tired of all the bull crap! Freaking fix this horrible thing!"

"And your name is who?"

"This is Reubin."

"R-U-B?"

"No, It's R-E-U-B-I-N."

"I-N?"

"Yeah."

God replied, "Okay, I took down your information and complaint."

Reubin then asked, "So what are you gonna do about it?"

"Oh, nothing," said God. "I just wanted to make sure my pencil worked."

"But what about the problems I have with the universe?!"

God's reply, "Did you know your name sounds like a sandwich?"

"God!" shouted Reubin. "This isn't funny! A lot of things are really bad down here! Some people are rich and others stay poor! It hurts to live and breath. Work is hard! And war is rampant across the globe!"

"What did I have to do with any of that?" asked God.

"You're God!"

"So? Did I tell you all to create wars and whine about little things that don't matter? Seriously, did you know you were named after a sandwich?"

"That's it! I'm calling the Better Business Bureau on you! Life under you is way too unfair!"

"Unfair? As apposed to being what? Fair? What the heck is fairness?"

"Wait," said Reubin. "How can you not know what fairness is?"

God replied, "Sorry, Reubin. Your name is making me hungry. Also I actually don't care about your problem. Bye." God hung up the phone and sat there thinking for a moment. "Fairness? Did he just make the word up? What's it even mean?"

"Pardon me," came a voice from nearby.

God looked up and saw his highest ranked angel. "Lucifer! To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"We need to talk," returned Lucifer. "I have some ideas I want to throw past you."

"What sort of ideas?"

"It has to do with... fairness." To be continued.

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Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 7

In the beginning, there was nothing, but that only lasted since the beginning of eternity which did not actually exist. And so really the time that there was nothing was, perhaps, a very small period realistically and, at most, only a matter of perspective. But the perspective had was God's, and within this perspective, he was quite lonely and in need of companionship. Not really knowing how to create companionship with any degree of accuracy--for it was his first time doing so--God invited Chris into his home where the great universal table existed and did his best to enjoy his company.

"This just isn't working out, Lucy," said God to Chris.

"What isn't?" asked the somewhat worrisome human.

"You and I. I can't seem to figure out what to do. I don't really want to kill you or anything. It's just a bit difficult to keep up with you and what not. Didn't I forget to fill your feeding bag yesterday?"

And so God looked towards other avenues for good companionship. He found it purely by chance by way of Mr. Nobody. But that companionship was oddly one-sided.

"And then Chris said to me, 'I really wish I didn't have to eat out of that stupid feed bag. I'm not really a donkey. I'm a human being!' And then I said to him, 'There's a difference?!' Ha!"

Chris stepped back into the room just as God finished his joke. "Who are you talking to?"

"Who does it look like I'm talking to?" asked God. "Mr. Nobody, of course!"

"But you taped his mouth shut."

"Oh, I had to," groaned God. "All he does is complain that I kidnapped him."

"But you did kidnap him."

"I'm sorry, Freddy, but I am not quite getting your point. Have you been getting enough hay in your diet?"

And so it came to pass that Chris' point did eventually become clear to God. He realized that he probably should create companions that were more interesting to him than both Chris and Mr. Nobody. He worked really hard at it and ultimately created a creature that was fascinating on multiple levels.

"It's a robot basically."

"What's a robot?" asked Chris.

"Why do you always ask stupid questions, Ken?! Just let me explain. This obedient being which stands before you now is called an angel. He is programmed to act according to his nature in all things and never to... um... not do that. Say hi to him, Gunther."

"Hello," greeted Chris to the angel.

The angel peered down at the tiny human before looking back at God saying, "Do you wish for me to kill him?" Chris was suddenly frightened.

God laughed. "No! No! That isn't necessary. At least, right now."

"Right now?!" worried Chris aloud.

"Don't mind him," said God to the angel. "He's not been getting enough fiber in his diet. Backs him up and he gets like this."

God really loved his angels and so he made as many of them as he could. They spent much of their time singing beautiful choruses before God. Chris and Mr. Nobody were always invited to stay and listen. Not always speak, but at least listen.

"They really do have great voices," remarked Chris.

"Yes, I know," smiled God. "I really seem to have won out with this one. It's very relaxing and allows me to concentrate on my human-based creative endeavors. But what I really love is how great they are at killing things."

Chris gulped. "Killing?"

"Oh, they are amazing at it. Gabriel there is particularly great at it. Very creative. Where Micheal's technique--there on the right-- is particularly gory. I still can't help but laugh at what he does to the head when it pops off."

"What about that one there?" pointed Chris.

"Oh, that's sort of the black sheep of the group, Joss. He just sort of kills people randomly. I haven't figured out the pattern yet. Thinking about demoting him."

"Okay," grunted Chris. "But who is that really pretty one in front?"

"Oh, he's a special one!" smiled God. "I just can't stop promoting him. Best of the whole bunch."

"Does he have a name?"

"Of course, he does, Paul. He shines brighter than all the others. And so I called him Lucifer. Let's be honest, that one will never let me down." To be continued.

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Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 6

In the beginning, there was God. And he was extremely pleased as he sat aside Chris. Decisions were coming to him finally and he was all a twitter with ideas. "He really is a class act," said God. "I've watched just about every show."

"The last one was kind of nice," said Chris.

God raised an eyebrow. "Kind... of... nice? What the heck are you talking about, Richard? It was bloody brilliant. Those moves! Those leaps! It was genius! The whole universe should watch him dance and bow before him and his majesty!"

"But he isn't God," said Chris.

God sighed and nodded. "You have a point there, Jerry. Mr. Nobody isn't God. But maybe he should be. Maybe that's the thing I've been missing."

"Excuse me," said somebody.

"Not right now. Alvin and I are busy talking. Now, if I allow Mister Nobody to become God, that means there will be two Gods. So I figure this might get a little confusing if we aren't related or something."

"Is he related to you?" asked Chris.

"No, I just turned him into a person. He's still who he is. I didn't wanna touch a single hair of who he was. That's what makes his dancing so great."

"Why does he have to be related to you?"

"Because people can relate to him better if he is related to me, Micheal! You would know that if you weren't such an idiot! Now, what should our relationship be?"

"Um... Excuse me?" came the voice again.

"Seriously, don't be rude," said God. "We're in the middle of a discussion!"

Chris asked, "Can he be like a brother or something?"

God considered it. "God the Brother? No. What about God the Uncle?"

"Do people ever relate to their uncles?" asked Chris.

"No. What about God the Cousin, Twice Removed. People may respect the complexity of it, and I can come up with a whole backstory for it."

"I think people would dislike the complexity actually," said Chris.

"Who asked you, Phillip?!" yelled God. "But yes, it does seem like it would be too complex."

"What about God the Son?"

"No, can't do it. Slots already reserved for later. Damn. Why is this so hard?"

"Please, can I say something?" said someone else in the room.

God huffed. "Hey! Shut up! We are trying to talk about important things! Holy heck! Just sit down and wait your turn!"

Chris remarked, "I'm not so sure Mr. Nobody needs to be related to you. I mean... realistically, he isn't. You just found him on your table."

"Devin, just let me think for a second. Your voice... It just gets annoying after hearing it for so many years."

"Eee haw," said Chris.

"Yes, that's better. Now I was just thinking that maybe Mr. Nobody doesn't really even qualify to be my relative. After all, I just sort of ran across him on my table."

Chris groaned. "Then how will he become God?"

"By becoming my spirit, of course. Mister Nobody will become the Holy Spirit. He is not one of me and I am not one of him, but he shall be my guiding principle from now on. That is how it will be."

"Why him though?" asked Chris.

God looked at Chris and said, "The answer to that is simple, Barney. He's just... so... cool."

Mr. Nobody finally had had enough. He shouted, "Don't I get any say in any of this at all?!"

God looked at Mister Nobody and pursed his lips, "Nope, not really. If you got a problem with that, just check in with Chris. He's been dealing with me since the beginning."

Mister Nobody leaned over and looked at Chris to see if there was any hope. Chris sighed and just shook his head. Leaning back in his chair, Mister Nobody groaned and said, "Oh no."

To be continued.

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Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 5

In the beginning, there was a table. And on this table was the entire universe. Within this universe was absolutely nothing. This had not always been the case. There had been things there before. But God had never been content with any of it, and so all that had been created had hence been destroyed. And so, as it had been in the very beginning, it was the same in the present. Nothing.

Now, within this nothing there was a something. This thing was a living thing with a mind that never thought and eyes that never saw. This being, as we shall call it, also had a body that was indefinite and motion that was indeterminate. It was one with the nothing, and it itself was actually nothing. This being neither cared for or was even aware of things beyond itself. It was alien. It was entirely separate from the universe of nothing. It was not a creation of God but a small particle of the grains of the table on which the universe did lie. This being did not have a name or identity, and for that reason, we shall refer to it (or him) as Mr. Nobody.

What I have done in that last sentence is actually impossible. This being was without thought or understanding. It had no identity. It knew not words and had no feelings. It was entirely a shadow and never acted on anything that surrounded it. But to give something a name is in an effort to make this narrative more clear. For even to use gender-less pronouns would still be too much for this entity. Mr. Nobody had no gender. He was not human. He was not God. He simply was what he was, and everything that he was belonged to him... and it was good this way. Mr. Nobody was not happy or sad, but he was content without knowing what contentment even was.

Despite being an indefinite entity entirely alien to the cosmos, Mr. Nobody did have a hobby. He made use of his time by way of the art of interpretive dance. "How does a faceless entity without a form participate in such things," you may ask. It is very simple. Yes, that is the answer and the explanation, for this being was as simple as simple could be. To exist and do was one in the same. To dance was to walk and to run was to leap. It was all the same, and he did these things to his contentment for that was what he did, and he always did what he did even if he didn't.

Since the beginning of eternity (which never really had a beginning), Mr. Nobody performed his dance one step at a time throughout the grains of the table. He leapt, ducked, spun about, and shifted in just the way he wished. There was no praise to be had because no one knew he existed, and he did not even understand the concept of other people. He only knew him. His entire universe was himself. Everything that he desired... was himself. His contentment was his dance, and his dance was his universe. He wanted for nothing. In this sense, he was happy that he could exist and dance within the endless emptiness of his mind and that it would remain this way for eternity.

Now, there came a day where everything had changed for Mr. Nobody. For an eternity, he had never had a thought, a feeling, or spoke even one single words. He was simply a shadow dancing about on the table which was the universe. But on this one day, Mr. Nobody suddenly heard a sound. And this is the sound that he heard, "Wow! Bravo, sir!"

Mr. Nobody suddenly realized that he was hearing words. And strangely, he understood them. "Wow!" was an expression of surprise and delight. "Bravo" was a word used to give praise. "Sir" was a way to address a man. Mr. Nobody somehow knew these things despite never learning words or even caring to. It made no sense. It did not even make any sense to him that he could not make sense of it. Every aspect of hearing those words were preposterous to Mr. Nobody on the basest of levels.

It was at this point that the very first morbid curiosity formed. Mr. Nobody turned to see this thing that spoke despite having no interest in it whatsoever. And there before Mr. Nobody was God. God was sitting upon a set of bleachers with a hot dog in one hand and a bag of popcorn in the other. Upon realizing that Mr. Nobody was looking directly at him, God put down the popcorn to pick up a blue flag with Mr. Nobody's face on it. He waved it about and cheered, "Encore! Encore!"

Mr. Nobody had never spoken in all of his life, but now he knew words. He looked down and saw two hands and two feet. He reached up and felt a face. It was a face that had never existed until that moment. He had suddenly become an individual. He was a real, thinking person. Mr. Nobody was alive and living and standing before God who appeared to be his biggest fan.

And it was in this moment of revelation that Mr. Nobody spoke the very first words of his entire existence. And lo, his words were as follows:

"Oh no."

To be continued.

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Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 4

In the beginning, there was God. And he sat at a table that had nothing on it. That nothing was the universe. It had, in the past, been many things, but for the time being it was nothing. He had wiped it clean as of the last failed cycle and now just stated at it miserably.

"This is how it all began," said God. "It was just a great big nothing. There was no up. There was no down. There was no in. There was no out. There was not even any time to move things along. It was an eternity of nothingness and I had the privilege to just stare at it."

"Kind of like you're doing now?" asked Chris.

"Yes," replied God. "Kind of like I am doing now. Because I just don't understand what the heck I am trying to do. Every time I create a plan, the plan never works out the way I think it will. And I do not understand why I should be creating anything at all if things aren't going to go my way. I am God. Things should always go my way. Isn't that the point?"

Chris blushed. "Things don't always go my way."

God glared momentarily at Chris. "What's your point?"

"I mean... I empathize with you. Things don't normally go my way."

"Are you God, Jimmy?"

"Um, no. I'm just Chris."

"Then why in the world does it matter if things don't go your way? That's something that should only happen to me."

"But it isn't though," whimpered Chris.

"What do you know about anything?" asked God of Chris. "You're just a creation of mine. I can make you do anything I want. You're just my meat puppet. I can prove it too. Bray like a donkey, Gary!"

"Eee haw," replied Chris who was perfectly humiliated by the act.

"See?" continued God. "You're really a nobody when it comes down to it. Only my decisions matter. And whenever I make a decision involving you humans, it never quite goes the way I want. And so I have to destroy all of you over and over and over again."

God groaned miserably as he looked at his empty table. "I just don't understand what is so wrong with you people, Harold. I give you a simple bit of programming, and all you do is disappoint. What makes you people so independent?"

"I'm sorry," said Chris. God glared at him. The human corrected, "I mean... Eee haw."

"See?! See there?! You can't even donkey correctly!"

"I did my best," whimpered Chris.

"Maybe, this should be the end of it," grumbled God. "Maybe I should just go back to sitting here and staring at the nothing. Maybe nothing is just... better. I give up. I'm all alone."

"I'm still here," said Chris.

"You don't count. In reality, I am all alone in the universe. Nobody is out there who can help me. I just... give... up." He proceeded to stare at the nothing like he had done for so many ages before falling on his ass the first time.

But here Chris happened to notice something. "Wait, do you see that?"

"What is it, Pete. Can't you see I'm incredibly busy doing nothing?"

Chris pointed. "Right there. What is that?" God looked at the table where Chris was pointing. His eyes widened. To be continued.

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Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 3

"In the beginning, there was nothing! But from that nothing came God! And God created man! And man rose up to do amazing things! One of which was the great Fenderin Empire!" Master Kanava Page stood before an uncountable number of his followers. he was both before him and broadcast across the planet of Dearth.

"Together," the great leader continued, "we have suffered much! We have gone through trials unimaginable! We have toiled and fought for the values that we have so dearly wanted since our initial creation! And what have we now?! Everything!" The crowd across the world all cheered. It was a roar of elation at reaching such a grand goal.

I do not blame these crowds for crying out in this way. Did you know that these people, who existed waaaaayyyy before recorded history, actually achieved world peace in only eight generations? That's pretty impressive if you consider we're still working on it. Also I know Dearth sounds somewhat similar to Earth, but it wasn't the same planet. Earth came later. Yes, I know this is a lot to take in, but I assure you that it won't hurt to listen. You see, in the end, it won't really affect you.

I gotta say, however, that much of this pre-pre-pre-pre-pre-prehistory knowledge is a lot to take in. God was involved in all these interesting little experiments throughout countless ages. Human cultures rose and fell, but statistically Dearth seemed always to be moving forward and up. The Fenderin Empire was what it ultimately became which was a rule accepted by everyone and enjoyed by all. Master Kanava Page was their leader, and everyone loved him. It really was quite remarkable.

"We have no war!" cried Kanava. "We have no strife! There is love in all of our hearts! We are ready to move on from this planet to seek out new life and new civilizations!" (Yes, he was the first to say that. Go figure.) "And we begin this great journey," he continued, "by unveiling our new and great symbol! Our mighty and powerful banner! Our flag! The symbol of all our struggles up to this point! I present to you, the flag of the Fenderin Empire!"

The world cheered as a green flag with various black lines in the middle was raised up. Everyone thought it was beautiful. This was it! This was the symbol of all they had worked for! How wonderful!

Ah, yeah. Well... things kind of go down hill from here. Just warning you. In fact, I don't even recommend that you read the next part. Entirely skip-able. It's really just there to get the record down of what happened. But yeah... If you really wanna read it, just keep going. I won't stop you.

Suddenly there was a beam of light amidst the crowds of cheering people. Everyone gasped and backed away. When the light faded, a lone man stood before everyone. Master Kanava Page knew exactly who this person was. He spoke, "My people! We have been given a very special visitor, for this is none other than the very personal friend and confidant of God himself! Chris! Please, come up here and speak!"

Everyone clapped as the man named Chris walked past them all and up to the stage. He did not really look all that happy. It was more like embarrassment and horror, but nobody really blamed him for that because he always pretty much looked like that. It was normal.

So Chris stepped before the world itself. He tapped on the mic a few times. It squealed. After taking a really awkward time to collect himself, he leaned forward and said, "Um... Look, uh... I'm really sorry, but I don't really have any good news. I don't even really wanna be here right now."

"What's the problem?" asked Kanava nervously.

"Yeah, about that. Apparently God isn't really satisfied with the Fenderin Empire. He's gonna be destroying the whole planet in about five minutes. I'm really sorry. I had nothing to do with it. I was totally on your side and everything, I swear."

There was a massive amount of confusion among the great crowds of Dearth. It did not make any sense at all. Master Kavana Page spoke up, "I don't understand. Why is he dissatisfied? We achieved peace. We're all happy and prosperous. We're about to travel out into space and everything. What is God's complaint?"

"It's the flag," said Chris.

"What? The flag? What's wrong with the flag?"

"He expected it would be blue. I mean... He really was hoping it turn out blue this time."

"This time?"

"Yeah. I mean... first it was yellow... then it was orange... There were a few times it turned out with purple polka dots. He just really, really wants it to end up blue."

Kanava gulped and said, "We... really don't mind changing its color to blue."

Chris groaned and shook his head. "It's too late. I'm sorry. He wants it to turn out blue normally. Really, I'm... just... so sorry. You don't know what he's like."

"But... there has to be something we can..." But Chris was suddenly gone in a bright flash. The sky suddenly began to get dark. Everyone looked up in horror as a finger the size of a galaxy was slowly barreling down upon them.

Splat.

God rubbed Dearth off on Chris' shirt and looked back at his table. "Okay, let's try this once more. For real this time!" He shouts, "Daddy needs a new pair of shoes! Come on, blue!"

To be continued.

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Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 2

In the beginning, there was a man named Chris. Now, you may not know who Chris is. He is not really recorded anywhere. But just to be clear, this was one of the first humans who lived. No relation to Adam. Adam and Eve did not happen until later. God had to do a few human experiments before he got to those two. I say "a few" because I am not quite privy to just how many generations of the species he went through before he found the one he liked. So, let's just pretend that Chris came about at Experiment #3, Series #12, Model #4--you know... for the sake of clarity.

Chris had been fairly privileged in his lifetime. Of all the human beings of the universe, he got to hang out with God himself. Nobody else was allowed to do that. Just Chris and God--chummy chum chums.

One of the things God really loved doing with Chris was talking (or bragging) about all the things he created. Most of their meetings went a little something like this:

"Hey there, Billy!" greeted God as the familiar man walked in.

"It's Chris," said the guest.

God laughed. "Always the kidder! Seriously though, Anthony, I wanted to show you something amazing."

"Don't tell me. It's your table again, right?"

"No, not at all. But let me show you this amazing table! Come look at it and gaze upon what this amazing table holds on it."

"Is it the universe?"

"No, it is, in fact, the ENTIRE universe."

"Wow," replied Chris with a blush.

"I see you are shocked by my accomplishments, Wilbur."

"My name is Chris," said Chris.

"Yes, Ivan, everything you see on this table," said God, "was made by my hands." He leaned on the table. "Yep, all of it. Even the..." But he stopped, took his hand off the table, and looked at it with a cringe. "Whoops. And I really liked that galaxy." He wiped it off on Chris' shirt and patted him on the back. "So tell me, George, which is your favorite part of all of this?"

"Well," said Chris thoughtfully, "I kinda like that planet right there." He pointed.

God put his finger to the table. "You mean this one?! Oh crap, I did it again." Chris frowned as the planet he liked and surrounding system was wiped off on his shirt.

"I tell you what we should do," said God. "Let's play a game."

"What kind of game?" asked Chris.

"Chess."

"What's Chess?" asked the man.

"It's a game that I haven't invented yet, but I'm too excited to wait. Let me just set up the board." So down came a great and mighty board made of granite that slammed upon the table taking out 2/10ths of the universe in one fell swoop. God sat on one side, and Chris sat on the other. With a wave of his hand, the pieces appeared in all their appropriate places. And then God said, "Because I already know the rules and how to win it, I'm going to be generous and let you move first."

"But I don't even know the rules," said Chris.

"Not a problem, Ferdinand! I shall bestow upon your tiny brain the entire set of rules." He paused. "I can do that because I'm God."

And he was right. He really must have been God because, in an instant, Chris knew how to play Chess. "And I can go first?" asked Chris.

"Whenever you're ready, Klive."

And so Chris made the very first move ever made in Chess. Nope. It wasn't God. It was Chris. Chris did it. Forget everything you have ever learned in history. Chris made the first move. The only problem was that it was not the move that God expected him to make.

"Why did you do that?" asked God.

"Do what?" asked Chris.

"That move you just made. Why did you do that?"

"I dunno. I didn't really think it over too much. I figured one pawn was just as good as any other."

God pointed. "But why didn't you move that one there?"

"Well, I thought about it, but I didn't really think it would matter."

"Well, of course, it matters, Skylar! The whole game wouldn't even get started without the first move. The whole thing would just fall flat without it. I just don't see why it had to be that particular pawn. I mean, what are you trying to do to me?"

"I'm just playing the game," whimpered Chris.

God's eyes formed into slits as he glared at Chris. "Very... well. I'll let it pass." Slowly God reached forward and moved one of his pawns forward. Nervously, Chris reached out to touch a second pawn. God's eyes widened with anger. Chris drew back. He moved his hands across the pawns watching as God's face shifted around as if he was dialing up stations on a radio. Finally, and with much stress, Chris touched a pawn, lifted it up into the air, and carefully put it down one square forward. He let go of it.

God smacked the board so that everything flew all over the place. "Just forget everything, Arnold!" he yelled. To be continued.

Thank you for reading this blog. Did you enjoy it? Did you hate it? Either way, you can comment below, or you can email me at tkwadeauthor@gmail.com. You can also visit my website at www.tkwade.com. Thanks!