Thursday, March 28, 2019

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Spinoff, Part 7

“Is that him?” said a Philistine who stood with thousands of others within Lehi.

“It might be him,” said another. “Have they binded him with rope?”

“Sure looks like it. Does that mean Samson has finally been subdued?”

“Maybe he has! Finally! This guy has been all kinds of problems! All we have done is followed our laws, done as Dagon wills us, and yet this jerks keeps making a mockery of us. We should kill him for his crimes.”

“And it should be easy since his arms are all bound up like that.”


“And even if they were not bound, he does not even have a sword.”


“And even if he did have a sword–and I already stated very clearly that he does not–there are a thousand of us and three thousand of the men of Judah. So if you really take the time to think about it, there is no way Samson could ever best us at this point.”

Lucifer scowled at God. “What are you hiding?” God shrugged a moment before about thirty aces began falling out of his sleeves like a waterfall of cards.


Samson broke free of his bindings. Everyone backed away in surprise. Samson looked down and picked up a randomly placed jawbone of a donkey. Everyone backed away a little more. Samson looked at the jawbone… and grinned as the last ace fell out of God’s sleeve.

“Wait, wait!” shouted God. “Where’s my pencil?! I got to write this one down.”

Lucifer leaned against the table and just groaned as God scrambled to get some paper out. “Okay, how did that poem go?” asked God.

“Please, stop,” grumbled Lucifer.

“Recite the poem! I command it!”

Lucifer sighed and recited,

“With a donkey’s jawbone,

I have made donkeys of them.

With a donkey’s jawbone,

I have killed a thousand men.”

“Very good,” smiled God as he put down the last period. And the best part of it this time was that it wasn’t just the Philistines that got killed.”

“It was mostly Philistines,” grumbled Lucifer.

“Damn, I love this guy! I think I’ll share a drink with him!” And so God smote a rock upon the earth which caused it to flow pure water. And Samson drank from it. And all knew for the next twenty years that Samson was of the Lord, and he ruled them in his own way for that time.

“Anything you want to say, Lucifer?” asked God. “Questions? Comments? Good, clean jokes?”

Lucifer released a long and sorrowful sigh. He soon replied, “I have not yet been convinced.”

“Not surprised… but we’ll see how it goes,” smiled God.

“Yes. We will see.”

To be continued.

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Tuesday, March 26, 2019

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Spinoff, Part 6

“Where are you going with that goat?” asked Manoah of his son.

“I’m a grown man, father,” returned Samson. “I’ve earned the right to take young goats where I please. Why are you even asking me that?”

“Well, it’s just that I’m rather fond of that particular one. I named him Henry and I enjoy the way he bleats like a chicken.”

“That is very odd to hear,” said Samson sincerely. “But perhaps you can find another novelty goat, for I intend to give this one to my wife.”

“Your wife?” asked the father nervously. “But I thought you grew to hate her.”

“Not entirely. I still love her enough to give her this chicken goat. But what are you hiding from me father?”

“I ended up giving her away to one of your companions. I didn’t know! Perhaps maybe you can take her younger sister instead. I thought she was attractive.”

Samson put down the goat and said, “Father, I know you meant well by me for doing what you did, but I am still pissed off. You may keep your clucking goat, for I have to get even with the Philistines for taking my wife from me.”

“What… What in the world… is he doing?” asked Lucifer with wide eyes.

“You know, I actually have no idea,” said God. “And I’m God. I know everything. But right now I have absolutely no idea why he is tying all those foxes together.”

“Is he making some sort of hat?” asked Chris.

“Maybe he is, Gidget,” smiled God.

“But if he is making a living fox hat,” remarked Lucifer, “why would he set them all on fire like that.”

“This is stupid,” said Mr. Nobody.

“He’s right,” said God with a nod. “This is incredibly stupid… but somehow it’s just so cool!”

The foxes numbered three hundred and were not, as Chris had wondered, made into a hat. They were, in fact, tied together in twos and set aflame. These foxes, once released two-by-two, ran yelping into the grain keeps and olive gardens of the Philistines where everything was burned down.

The only surviving fox among the three hundred had this to say, “I was scared at first. It was a fiery nightmare for most of it, but I kept remembering this one goat that made chicken noises and… somehow it gave me the strength to live! Too bad about my other two hundred and nighty-nine fellows though. At least they went out in a blaze of glory.” Unfortunately the clucking goat has declined to make any comment.

“What happened?!” cried a Philistine seeing that all his hard work had gone up in smoke.

“Didn’t you read the paper?” asked a companion. “The fox gave it all up. It was Samson who did it because his wife had been given away.”

“Then we must get revenge by killing his wife!” And so they did.

“They did what?!” cried Samson.

“They killed your wife and her father out of revenge for what you did,” said the slightly burned fox. “I’m only here to tell you this because I wanted to meet this amazing goat of whom I claim inspiration for having allowed me to live through such a horrible moment in my life.”


“And there he is now! Sorry, I have to go!”

“Those jerks!” cried Samson.

“Why does he keep killing people?!” grumbled Lucifer.

“Why not?” asked God. “I do it all the time. It’s good stress relief.”

“But… he’s out of control!”

“Lucifer, calm down. They’re just Philistines.” He paused. “Oh, right. Forgot they were your people.” Lucifer glared.

After Samson killed as many Philistines as he could find, he ended up camping out inside of a cave in Etam which was within Judah. The Philistines knew that he was there and yelled at the people of Judah for harboring the fugitive. “They guy was half-naked,” they said. “We didn’t know what his deal was, but don’t worry. We’ll take care of it.”

And so three thousand men (of which they thought would be enough) went down to the cave in Etam and whined, “Why have you attacked the Philistines and come here? Don’t you know the Philistines rule over us?”

“I only did to them what they did to me.”

“But this fox here claims that he did nothing to him and his brethren before you set them all ablaze.”

But the fox rather ruined the argument when he looked up to the man and said, “But no. it is okay now. I have forgiven him after listening to the wisdom of the wise chicken goat.”

The man groaned and said, “We still intend to take you in. You’re out of control! If you resist, we will kill you here on the spot.”

“No need for that,” said Samson walking out. “Promise me that you will not slay me and I will let you take me to the Philistines.” And so they made that promise and bound his hands with new rope to make sure that he would be helpless.

“Finally,” said Lucifer with a groan. “A fitting end to all this nonsense. Don’t you agree, God?”

God was just a bit perplexed. “Since when was there a talking fox and a clucking goat in this story. I’m confused.”

“Maybe the author went insane,” said Mr. Nobody.

“Yes, that must be it!”

To be continued.

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Because why not?

Thursday, March 21, 2019

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Spinoff, Part 5

And so Samson was married!

“He married a Philistine,” said Lucifer.

“Yes, I know,” said God. “You got a point to go with it?”

“They are my people. I entirely and utterly control them.”

“Yes, I see it as an improvement. They were boring until Samson showed up.”

“He was born a Nazarite but chooses the women of Dagon,” Lucifer persisted.

God looked around. “Is there a broken record somewhere in here?!”

“Welcome!” cried Samson as he held up his wine glass at his wedding party. “Welcome to this most joyous occasion! We shall feast for seven days and make merry indeed! Also, I have an announcement to make.” Everyone stood up and listened. “I have finally, through the help of my lovely heathen wife, learned how to do a bow-tie!” Everyone cheered, but then Samson held up a finger. “But I just realized… I don’t give a damn about ties!” And so he ripped off the bow-tie and henceforth bow-ties were only associated with nerds and weathermen.

It was customary, at the time this story happened, that the groom be surrounded by thirty men. These men did not really want to be there, for they were all Philistines and thought Samson was crude and annoying. And not a few of them remembered the many times that he had dunked their heads in the latrine or pulled their underpants over the tops of their heads. But still they sat squarely around him as to please tradition.

And there came a moment where Samson looked at these thirty men and began waggling his eyebrows up and down in a manner not unlike the great Groucho Marx. He did this to such an extent that it was plainly assured that Samson must have some sort of devious thing in mind. And after eyebrow waggling for another minute or two, he finally let loose with his secret, “I wish to tell you all a riddle. If you can guess the answer to my riddle before the seven days of feasting is finished, I shall give you each thirty sets of linen garments and thirty sets of clothes. If you cannot guess the answer, you shall give likewise to me.”

“What about ties?’ asked one of them.

“Forget the ties. My deal stands as is.”

“Okay. What is the riddle then?”

Samson proceeded to give them his riddle,

“Out of the eater, something to eat.

Out of the strong, something is sweet.”

One of the more optimistic Philistines who was also quite good at solving riddles, nay… but he was the local riddle-solving champion within that district, was heard saying out loud, “Oh crap.”

Four days past and nobody could figure out the answer. The one riddle champion was run out of town for his failure to solve it. One of them asked Manoah and his wife if they had been told the answer.

“He hasn’t told us anything,” said the wife as she sealed up another jar of honey.

“Yes, he just sort of made it up on the spot, I guess,” said Manoah as he spooned up honey and ate of it freely. “My goodness, dear, this honey sure is good. And I ain’t lion!”

“Yes, I agree,” said the nameless wife. “I’d say that it is the most purrrfect honey that there ever was.” And so the men were left without answers.

So finally they went to his wife and begged her to get the answer out of him. Being that she was still a Philistine as they were, she promised them that she would and so nagged Samson for seven days to tell her the secret!

“Behold,” said Lucifer. “The one thing I control greater than all your other creations.”

“And what is that?” asked God.

“Women. They have always bent to my will ever since Eve ate of the fruit. I bid you watch what happens and see what power I hold over these creatures.”

“All right. Go ahead,” said God.

And so Samson finally relented and said to his wife, “Alright, I’ll tell you.”

“You see?!” cried Lucifer pointing at the table. But God had turned away for a second as a random squirrel with a halo over its head seemed to pass through the room by random coincident. Lucifer furrowed his brow.

God smiled as he looked back. “Sorry, what were you saying?”

“Never mind.”

And so when the final day of feasting was upon them, the answer was given, “It is a beehive found within the carcass of a lion!”

“Oh, wow. Very good,” said Samson. “I am actually really surprised you pulled your resources together and figured out the secret of… Wait, my wife told you, didn’t she?” He glared at her. She shook her head quickly. Samson scowled as he looked back at the thirty nervous men. “You fools! If you had not plowed my heifer, you would have never solved my riddle!”

“I’m a what?!” cried the wife.

“A cow! You’re a cow! You know that?! A cow!” She blushed hard, but then he turned his eyes on the others. It was here that Samson did something a bit naughty. The men did eventually get their clothes but they came from the broken corpses of thirty other Philistines that he ended up slaughtering in Ashkelon. Though by the time they were delivered, they were not all that worth wearing.

“HA!” laughed God. “Oh, that was rich! What a riot! Did you see what he did there?!” He looked directly at Lucifer and once again laughed, “HA!” Lucifer just rolled his eyes and looked away.

To be continued.

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Tuesday, March 19, 2019

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Spinoff, Part 4

The son of Manoah and his sadly unnamed wife was called Samson on the day of his birth. And he was a Nazarite to his people as had been the will of the Lord. But this Samson was no ordinary man, for he seemed gifted with great strength. As he grew up into a young man, there seemed that there was nothing Samson could not lift, bend, or break with ease.

God looked down upon this with a grin bigger than any grin he had ever had. So big was this grin that it threatened to sneak its way into other nearby faces that might be looking at him. For this reason, Chris ended up grinning without knowing why. Behold the mightily contagious grin of God!

“I love this man,” said God. “Look at him! He just killed four birds with one stone. That’s got to be a new record.” (This record was later broken by Ferdinand Finkleberg in 1634 when he managed to kill five birds with one stone, but it was later found out that he cheated by lacing cleverly hypnotized birds with explosives. And so the Samson record still stands.)

“Is that really a good test of strength?” asked Chris. “Sounds more like an accuracy challenge.”

“It’s both, Rebecca. But he’s doing a lot more than that. Strength is not always everything. He’s also a bully. Look there. That kid just picked on him for having long, girly hair. See what Samson did? That stupid kid just had his fifth helping of mud. That’s hilarious!”

“Sounds really gross,” said Chris.

“Oh, don’t worry, Boobie. I’ll let you try some mud in a bit, but I am too busy watching him tie all these boys up by their legs. Wow, he’s so cool!”

Samson really was a bully. He spent his entire childhood chasing and humiliating anyone who gave him any trouble at all. Sometimes he did it just for kicks. But then there came a day when he was a teenager that he suddenly felt the urge to marry a woman.

“You want to marry who?!” cried Manoah, and his nameless wife was nonetheless upset by his choice.

“You heard me!” cried Samsom who was already making a bow-tie for the event… and really failing bad at it.

“But she’s a dirty, heathenistic Philistine! She worships Dagon and everything! What can you possibly see in her?!”

“I see two things actually, and they are very big and bouncy,” replied the son who could not quite get the Winsor knot to work either.

The wife pressed herself to Manoah and asked, “Oh, husband, what do you think he means by that?!”

He glared at her. “Really?”

“I have made my decision!” shouted Samson who gave up on dress ties entirely. “I know that you are my parents and I love you both, but I will settle for no one else but her!” And although his parents were very distressed, they respected his wishes.

So Samson went to Timnah to go claim this woman of which he loved for two mysteriously bouncy reasons, and so came upon a lion. Now this lion was not here to mess anything up. He had just been out randomly looking for something he misplaced. When he saw Samson and his parents, he unfortunately jumped to the conclusion that it must have been them who had stolen his much prized ball of yarn. And so, as a way to reprimand them for being so ingenuous, the lion attacked them and attempted to kill them.

While Manoah and his wife screamed in fear, for they were likely about to die, Samson fell upon the lion and ripped off his head. And thus the poor lion never found his prized ball of yarn. A tragedy really.

A week later, Samson returned to Timnah to marry this woman who was just as nameless and his mother. But upon visiting the spot where the lion’s corpse still remained, he noticed that a hive of bees had taken residence within the carcass. Upon checking, Samson found that the lion was full of honey.

“The story takes a real sweet turn right here,” said God.

“Did you really just say that?” asked Chris.

“Yes,” said God with confidence.

To be continued.

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Thursday, March 14, 2019

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Spinoff, Part 3

“Oh honey, you were wonderful,” said the woman.

“I was?” returned Manoah. “What did I do?”

“You were so caring and loving and… I just never knew you had it in you.”

The old man was confused. “What did I have in me? Wasn’t I sleeping a moment ago?”

“Oh no,” said the wife. “You were absolutely an animal! I mean… all the times before you were kind of boring and repetitive, but not this time. It was like you were a messenger from God sent to make me feel what love was truly meant to be!”

Manoah just stared at her for a bit. “Are you sure that was me? I can barely get the thing to work anymore let alone do the things you’re saying to me.”

“Of course, it was you,” she said. “I mean… who else could it have been?”

“I suppose you’re right, dear. Very well. I guess I must have what it takes after all. Coffee, dear?”

“I don’t need coffee anymore,” she said. “After what you did to me, I’ll never sleep again.” Manoah stared at her for a bit longer. After shaking his head, he groaned and went to get coffee.

A moment after the husband had left the room, there was a bright light that filled the bedroom. The woman’s eyes opened wide as she looked upon the light of what must surely be from God himself. An angel materialized before her holding a sword and shield. He was incredibly handsome.

In a voice that boomed throughout the room, the angel spoke to her, “Behold! Thou shalt conceive and bear a son! And now drink no wine nor strong drink, neither eat any unclean thing, for the child shall be a Nazarite to God from the womb to the day of his death!”

After panting from the sheer handsomeness of this angel, the wife of Manoah asked, “Really?”

“Yes, really,” replied the angel.

“I’m really pregnant?”


“With a child?!”

The angel blinked and stared at her for a moment. “Did you want something else in there?”

“No! No! It’s exactly what I wanted!”

“Then all is well!” And so the angel disappeared from the room and took with him the holy light of God. The wife sat there panting for a moment. She was still in shock that it had happened at all. “I’ve got to tell Manoah,” she whispered to herself.

“He said what?!” cried out Manoah after dropping his coffee mug.

“The Lord has given us a child!” repeated the wife. “He must have given you that great and loving spirit that you had last night.”

“Dear, we can’t have a child. I’m old and have no idea how to take care of one anymore.”

“But the Lord has given us one, and we must be ready for it.”

“But we are poor and can’t even afford college for him. Dear, this is too much.”

“It’s too bad. We’ll have to do our best.” And so she walked out of the room with a smile on her face.

Poor Manoah dropped to his knees and cried out, “Oh my Lord! Let the man of which God didst send come again to us and teach us what we shall do unto the child that shall be born!”

The next day: Manoah’s wife was dancing about in a nearby field when the great light poured down upon her once again. She froze and soon realized that she was in the presence of the angel again. “Oh wait!” she shouted. “Let me get my husband!” And so she ran back into her home and dragged him outside so that she could prove to him that an angel really did come.

“Oh hi,” said Manoah who had no idea of how to address a messenger from God.

“You had a question for me?” asked the angel.

“Yes. I did,” said Manoah. “It’s just that… I do not know how a child should be raised.”

“Yes,” said the angel. “I pretty much went over with your wife. No drinking and all that.”

“I remember it all,” she said.

“Good,” said the angel. “I am glad I came all the way here to find out that you remember everything.”

“Sorry,” he said. “What about you? What is your name?”

“Not sure what the point is in saying my name since I am a being of which is beyond you.”

“He’s right, dear,” said the wife.

“Whoops, okay,” said the husband awkwardly. “So… like... should we make a sacrifice for you?” asked Manoah.

“No, but if you do, make thy sacrifice to the Lord. I am not to have any sacrifice made to me. Is that understood?”

“Yes!” they both cried. And so he disappeared and took the light with him.

“We’re gonna die!” screeched out Manoah who was prone to such panic attacks.

“No, we shall be fine,” said the blissful wife. “If God meant to kill us, then we would have already died. Come, let us make our offering and give thanks that we shall soon have a child and that you are so much better a lover than you have ever been.”

“Okay, fine,” said Manoah who was still so surprised to find out that he was such a great lover.

To be continued.

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Tuesday, March 12, 2019

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Spinoff, Part 2

“What are you doing?” asked Mister Nobody.

God looked to his right and saw his Holy Spirit sitting where he always sat. “I am working on something.”

“Working on what?”

“Creating a hybrid. Did you want to watch?”

“Not particularly, but I haven’t had much else to look at while I’ve been sitting here.”

God smiled. I rather like it when you watch me do things… even when you dislike what you see. The things I do here will be as a dry run for things to come. I’m actually rather excited.”

“You look excited.”

God nodded. “Just stay where you are and watch as I do something really cool.” Mister Nobody huffed and crossed his arms. He said nothing more for the time being.

Lucifer walked back into the room just as God was leaning over the table of which was the universe. “Are things ready for the experiment?” asked the angel.

“Almost,” said God. “That card game we had destroyed a good part of the universe, but I don’t think it will affect things negatively. A lot of it was around the outer edges of it anyways.”

“Very good. Have you chosen a candidate?”

“I have, Lucifer. I admit to it not being an easy decision. Now, if I bring one of my good, obedient angels in here, are you going to get along with him? I’m not gonna have to put you in a ‘time out’, am I?”

“I’m fine,” said Lucifer through his teeth.

God smiled and called out into the other room, “All right! You can come in now!”

Upon God’s call, a tall, musclebound angel walked into the room. He had long, beautiful hair and carried a sword and a shield. Chris, who was standing nearby in the room, swooned and passed out from the angel’s beauty alone. The angel saw this and asked, “What is wrong with him?”

God just rolled his eyes and said, “He’s mortal. And yes we can see you are a very pretty angel. Almost as pretty as Lucifer here.” Lucifer groaned slightly.

The angel nodded and asked, “What is it that you would have me do?”

God nodded and turned back to the table. “Come. Have a look at the table.”

The totally ripped angel walked over to look at what God wanted to show him. Chris swooned again even though he was already passed out. Thus was the incredible hotness of this angel.

God pointed at a particular point on the Line. “See that man there?”

“Yes,” confirmed the angel.

“That man there is named Manoah. He has a sperm count of three.”

“Three hundred?”

“No just three. The chances of him having a child with his wife are less than Lucifer ever winning a game of poker with me.”

“Has Lucifer ever won a game with you?” asked the angel.

“Nah. He can’t because I cheat. So you get the point, right?”

“Of course,” nodded the angel. Lucifer groaned again and chose to remain silent.

God continued, “So his wife… I can’t remember her name. She wants to have a child really bad. She’s been begging her incredibly incapable husband for one, and… well… I mean… It’s just not going to happen. At this point, she’ll live and die without any child at all.”

The angel nodded and asked, “Do you want me to kill her then?”

God was surprised. “What?! No! Don’t be ridiculous! What am I? Heartless?! No! I want you to have sex with her. And discreetly. Like while she’s sleeping. I don’t want her heart to stop from how pretty you are. She’s getting on in age a bit.”

“I understand,” said the incredibly handsome angel.

“I mean… You can still tell her about it when she wakes up. And you can even give me the credit. It’s my plan after all.”

“I will do so,” confirmed the angel. “When should I begin?”

“Now is fine.”

“It will be done.” And so the angel opened his wings and flew down into the line to complete his task.

God turned to Lucifer and said, “You see how obedient he is?” Lucifer rolled his eyes.

To be continued.

Thursday, March 7, 2019

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Spinoff, Part 1

In the beginning, God sat across the table from Lucifer as he dealt out the cards. Lucifer watched the cards land before him. His face was stone cold and slightly disinterested. When all the cards were dealt, the angel asked, “What are the rules of the game this time?”

God replied, “All cards are wild except the jokers. But that’s okay because I took the jokers out of the deck. Also if any of the aces get played it’s an instant win.”

“You have all of the aces, don’t you?”


Lucifer groaned. “Have I ever told you how much I hate playing Poker with you?”

“Yes,” replied God. “It’s part of the reason I keep asking you to play it with me. Either way, it will give us another opportunity to chat.”

“Good enough.”

At this moment, Chris walked into the room with the table. Chris was a simple mortal human that God had chosen to be his pet donkey, despite him still being a human. “Wait,” said Chris when he looked back and forth between God and Lucifer. “I thought you two were enemies.”

“Yes,” said Lucifer.

“Nope,” said God looking back at the angel.

Lucifer quickly changed his answer to, “No.”

Chris looked confused. God saw this and said to him, “You look confused, Henry.”

“My name is Chris,” corrected the mortal.

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about, Fenwick. Any reason why you’re bothering us?”

Chris sighed. “It’s just that you and Lucifer never seem to get along. I thought he was your enemy.”

God chuckled as he looked at all of the aces in his hand. “Lucifer isn’t my enemy. Now the humans on the Line have got a few things to worry about, but I sure don’t.”

“How can you be sure?” asked Chris.

God eyed over at Lucifer and ordered, “Lucifer, please punch yourself in the face.” A moment later, Lucifer balled up his strong angelic fist and coldcocked himself… although he was all right a moment later.”

The only thing Chris could think of to say was, “Why would he do that?”

“Because he’s programmed that way. Now, if you don’t mind, Louie, we’re trying to play this game that I’m going to win. Go eat your donkey oats or something.”

After Chris wandered off, Lucifer spoke up, “You mistreat him.”

“Ah, you’ve noticed! Anyways, I wanted to talk to you about this whole genetic manipulation business you’ve been up to recently.”

“The hybrids?” the angel asked.

“Yes. Really not a fan. I understand you and your misguided angel friends like fiddling around with what isn’t yours, but nothing good has really come of it. It all seems to lead to slavery and death. Have you noticed?”

“The humans will die anyways,” returned Lucifer. “We just wish to give them a sense of order before their ultimate time arrives. Also, I do wish you would refer to these actions as what they truly are.”

“Abominations?” asked God.

“Creation,” said Lucifer. But then God started laughing. Lucifer remained stone-faced through it all.

God finally regained himself enough to say, “Sorry, I love how you joke with me sometimes. I keep forgetting you are one of my best creations. A lot of what you tell me just sounds so stupid.”

“It isn’t stupid,” said Lucifer through his teeth. “The things we have done have saved the humans on countless occasions.”

“Saved them how?”

“We keep their more wild tendencies under control. Surely you know about them.”

“I do. I rather like those tendencies. I just don’t see how angelic hybrids really make anything truly better though. Just feels like things are getting messed up.”

Lucifer was quiet as he watched God stare at all eight of his aces. A smile formed on his lips. He then asked, “Do you think that maybe you could do it better?”

“Yes,” said God calmly.

Lucifer was a bit surprised that the answer came so quickly. “Are you willing to try?”

“Sure, why not? But I shall focus more on individualism than with this silly thing you have with control.”

Lucifer groaned. “The whole point of the experiment is to control the masses.”

“No, that’s your point. I’m more about judgement and retribution. After that golden calf incident, I rather like seeing my own people slaughtered regularly. I shall focus on the individual and allow him the privilege of killing the people who deserve to die.”

“Very well,” agreed Lucifer. “And is there someone in particular that you have your eyes set on in this experiment?”

“Indeed, I do. His name is Manoah.” God placed down an ace… and then another one… and then another one… and then another one. Lucifer watched until about twenty aces were down before tossing all of his cards behind him.

To be continued.

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Tuesday, March 5, 2019

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Repetition and Blocking

One of the things I remembered heavily from old fairy tales, especially of the Grimm variety, was the aspect of repetition and blocking. A spell or rite often had to be issued in very specific patterns. Words had to be spoken and re-spoken over and over. Everything was often blocked in such a way that the magical aspect of the scene felt remarkably planned and organized. This is a commonality in these sort of events within fairy lore.

I would like to begin with the caveat that humans are not fairies. They are generally a chaotic bunch who force their way into relevance through blood, sweat, and tears. Fairies approach situations with a set of rules and try to do things as orderly as possible. Often their spells are "blocked." Let me explain what blocking is.

Blocking is the act of arranging items, actions, or words in such a way that they take up the same amount of space, time, or paragraph respectively. It is the cornerstone of fairy magic and it is remarkably inhuman.

This blocking is often backed up with repetition. That which works well is utilized often. Breaking the mold is frightening to a fairy because he already knows what works. This naturally leads to a slow, if not entirely halted, advancement of their culture. They stick with what works and attempt to make it as efficient as possible.

Humans who live their lives by a strict set of rules are religiously on time for everything, over-obsess with efficient room decoration, or write or speak things in a repetitive, blocked format are living inhuman lives, which are closer to the way fairies prefer. This isn't good. It is built of the substance that tears humanity down and ultimately turns them into last week's garbage.

Another way to look at repetition is stagnancy. Imagine if one thing happened for all of eternity. A fairy would look upon it and say, "It works and it lasts. Why change it?" A good-minded human would look upon the same thing and say, "It was good for the first few minutes, but now I'm bored. How can we improve it?" Let's keep this conversation going for a bit.

Fairy: "Why change something that we know already works so well?"

Human: "We may improve it."

Fairy: "Yes, but there is a chance that you may also ruin it. What works should be left alone."

Human: "It may be worth the risk."

Fairy: "A risk, in and of itself, is a bad idea. It applies an unknown variable to an already perfect set of rules. All risk is bad."

Human: "Without risks, we would never get anything new in this world."

Fairy: "We might get new things, but there would also be chaos. People might die. Why not just be happy with what works. I have been doing this for all of my life, and it has worked for me. There is no reason why I should change. Why ruin it for the rest of us?"

At the end, it comes down to humans simply aspiring to more than fairies ever desired. One of the reasons for this is because fairies were not meant to promote anything but the agenda of the humans ordering them around. They are tools.

A hammer does a great job at being a hammer when it isn't being used. It never strays away from being that hammer. In a sense, the hammer does things in a blocked format and backs up this format through repetition. It is what it is and never tries to be anything different. But when a human picks up a hammer, he does whatever he wants with it. The hammer doesn't change. It doesn't want to. It is not about to try putting in screws. It's there for the nails. If it tried putting screws it, it might have a panic attack.

Repetition is very much akin to stagnancy. Fairies are, of themselves, quite stagnant. They have a very difficult time breaking molds. They literally require our assistance to do so. If a fairy walked down a sidewalk for 10 years, and within these ten years, purposely avoided stepping on any of the cracks, imagine how he would feel if you told him to step on all of the cracks. "For what purpose are we even having this conversation?" he would ask.

Human: "Just because. Just do it and see if you can."

Fairy: "I don't even know why it is important to you. What is the difference between stepping on the cracks or not? I've always done it one way, so why change it?"

Human: "You just said that there was no difference in stepping on the cracks or not, so why not change your routine and step on them?"

Fairy: "If there is no difference, then why should I bother changing either way? It's just walking. The whole premise is silly."

Human: "You can't do it. Can you?"

Fairy: "There is no point to. I have always walked this way. I have no reason to change. That is the end of it."

Fairies fear change. Humans who act like fairies fear change too. The fear of change is extremely common with both parties, but the humans are much more likely to take risks in order to effect change. There are, however, many humans who will not. They see their blocked format, repetitive  lives as a matter of survival. They think that even a small sidestep out of their path will spark ruin. Sometimes, out of curiosity, they will make a tiny sidestep. The moment anything negative occurs, they run back in a sweaty panic vowing never to do it again, much like an animal who accidentally walks into an electric fence. (We are not animals by the way.)

A true human will face pitfalls with courage. They will get a running start and leap over them. If they miss their mark, they are injured, but they will continue on all the same. Humans were made to adapt. But falling into lives of repetitiveness and blocking is not adapting. It's giving up. It's going home. It's Bilbo Baggins looking out the window after turning down the dwarves... wondering what it would have been like. He'll never know. He'll never be in pain either. He's safe at home with no troubles for the rest of the story.

Fairies are not humans. They are repetitive, obsessive compulsive machines that will not break their mold for anything. It is how they were designed. We should never be like them. The more we act like them, the less human we become. Humans were designed to be chaotic. This same chaos built up civilization to what it is today. If you think living your life like a fairy is better, however, just look to the primitive peoples of the world. They do the same things every day in the same way every time. And believe it or not, the fairies are telling them exactly how to do those things. How about we not do that.

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