Thursday, November 29, 2018

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 20

In the beginning, Chris was found looking down at the table with surprise. "What the heck did you do?" he asked.

God walked in and pushed Chris away. "Don't touch anything, Percy! This is a really crucial part of the Line and I don't want you fiddling with it!"

"But, God, I don't understand!"

"That's because you're an idiot, Jamal. Just leave things to me. I'm working overtime right now, and I don't need my pet donkey screwing things up."

"Who is that man down there?" asked Chris.

"That would be my son. His name is Jesus. Remember the fellow that was always sitting quietly over there?"

"That's who he is? I always thought he was like... a statue or something."

God leaned a little against the edge of the table as he peered down onto its contents. "I'm a little bit on edge right now, Barney. There is a possibility that this might not go the way I want."

"Things haven't always gone the way you want," mentioned Chris. "In fact, they almost never go your way."

"Thanks for the recap, Matilda. But this particular experiment will actually decide everything else that is to come. If it fails... I might just end up wiping it all out."

Chris gulped. "Including me?"

"Probably," replied God. "A lot depends on this particular point on the Line."

"What will decide it?"

"Mr. Nobody will decide it for me. He has to approve of my son Jesus."

"Has he yet?"

"Not yet, and he isn't the least bit confident. Honestly, it's making me nervous as heck. I'm not getting any sleep. I've started taking pills. It's not been a very good day for me."

Chris looked on to God with surprise. "What's going on with you?"

"I just... can't stand... giving up any sort of control. This is my creation. It's my dream. It's my story. But for Mr. Nobody to be my guiding spirit, I have to bring him into it at this point." God pointed at the table. "This exact point. Right here where I'm pointing. This is the point which changes everything for the better or worse."

"How could it go bad?" asked Chris.

Jesus has been given the ability to choose between good and evil. I have completely relinquished my control of him. Mr. Nobody will be his judge. He will chose whether or not my son worthy. I will accept his decision completely. But for now... all I can do is just sit here. It's driving me nuts."

Chris then asked, "What will happen if he does accept Jesus?"

"Then Jesus will become the new standard... the new way. He will be the guiding principle and example for the rest of the Line."

"And you?"



"Yes," nodded God as he looked forward somewhat blankly. "It's what I want. It's really and truly all I ever wanted. I just... want... this experiment... to work. Please. Please just let it work. Just... please."

"He is being judged," said Mr. Nobody.

"All right," said God softly. "I await the verdict." A tear fell from God's eye as he sat very still... and waited. To be continued.

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Tuesday, November 27, 2018

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 19

In the beginning, God had a plan, but the plan never seemed to go his way. So he tried other plans. Those did not work either. Still, he never gave up. But finally, he came up with what he believed would be the real winner.

"Mind if I interrupt?" asked Lucifer.

"What?" asked God who was quite busy at the time leaning over the table. "Right now? Can't you see what I am trying to do here?"

"Yes, you're trying to get a virgin pregnant. Can it wait?"

God stood up with a groan. "What is it, Lucifer?"

"I wanted to express a bit of contempt."

"What about?"

"I'm beginning to feel that you and I are not seeing eye to eye on a good many things."

"That's because I'm much taller than you, Lucifer. Now can I get back to my business?"

"Yes, of course." God almost turned around but Lucifer held up a finger saying, "It's just that... the point of what I am often trying to make seems a bit lost on you lately."

God grunted a little as he turned back to his best angel. "You mean the part about how everybody should be totally equal and be a god like me? How we should destroy things to make more of something?"

"I think that I have already proven that my beliefs have born fruit. Remember what I did with that one planet?"

"Yes, you turned it into the Solar system's asteroid belt."

Lucifer corrected, "A very pretty asteroid belt, mind you."

"There were people on that planet. Remember?"

Lucifer rolled his eyes. "As if you actually care about a few billion people. You kill humans at a mere whim."

God groaned. "At least, I am a bit more creative about it. Also practical. That planet has been made entirely useless."

"It's still very pretty."


Lucifer sighed. "You just never seem to understand the genius of my arguments. I have so much to offer. It isn't fair that you simply dismiss my beliefs. The universe would be so much better if you simply accept that my friends and I identify as gods."

"You're angels though," said God furrowing his brow.

"But we identify as gods and the humans seem to accept that. Remember all the things we did in Egypt? They accepted us. They even accepted our offspring."

"Yeah, about that!" snapped God. "I really don't appreciate you fiddling about with the genetics of my favorite planet. It's been causing a lot of confusion and... quite frankly... it's in very bad taste."

"Says the man who is trying to impregnate a woman without her consent."

"This is different."

"How is it any different than what I have been doing?" asked Lucifer.

"What you have done has corrupted and destroyed genetic codes across the Line. What I am doing is an act of creation... ultimately."

"But the morality of it..."

"Everything I do is moral, Lucifer. I'm God. I could declare horrible things that people could not even possibly imagine, and each and every one of those declarations would be as righteous and moral as everything else I've done. You are in no place to judge me. I created you."

"I am not judging you, God," returned Lucifer. "I simply don't agree."

God chuckled. "Listen to you... using contractions in your sentence. Those are mine, you know. First thing I ever invented. Face it, Lucifer. You belong to me. I created you, and you will always find yourself as less than me. Try as you will to be more than you are, and you will always be a miserable and woefully pale imitation of myself."

"That was uncalled for," grumbled Lucifer who was getting a tad emotional.

"Just keep doing whatever bullshit you've been doing, Lucifer. It won't make you any better. It won't change the outcome. I shall always have the moral high ground over you. Now, if you will excuse me, I've got to knock up this innocent woman."

Lucifer raised his head with dignity as God turned back around to the table. The angel turned about and walked away to continue with his own plans. To be continued.

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Thursday, November 22, 2018

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 18

In the beginning, God approached Mr. Nobody with a very strange question, "What do you think of things?"

"Things?" returned the Holy Spirit.

"Yes. Things. Things so far. What do you think?"

"I am not a fan."

"I expected that answer," chuckled God.

"Then why did you ask?"

"I already knew you didn't like any of this. I understand you cannot relate to any of it either. I've decided to bring somebody into it that has been living in the shadows for quite some time. And it is my hope that you will assist him in his efforts."

"Who is it?"

God then pointed to a dark corner of a room. A man was sitting in the darkness as he seemed to have been since the beginning of the beginning which really did not even exist. Mr. Nobody gazed upon this shadowy person and asked, "I do not know him."

"Not yet. But when you finally do know him, it will be as if you always did."

The Holy Spirit leaned forward looking God directly in the eyes. "What are you about to do?"

"I am about to create humanity for the last time. And I am going to do it in a very peculiar way."

"What way?"

God pointed to the shadow man. "His way." He then pointed at Mr. Nobody. "And with your blessing."

"Your serious."

"Very serious. You didn't think this whole story was going to be a comedy, did you? And you actually do know who that person in now, don't you?"

"It's your son."

"That's right."

"I would never ask that you do what you are planning for him... even for my sake. The whole idea of it is horrible."

"But I shall do it. And all that I do shall be for that beautiful dance. Let's be honest, I have wronged you. I have made you miserable. I used one of your most endearing traits against you, for I knew that you would never stand up to me. It's time for me to step aside and allow your dance to take control of the Line until it is resolved. This is the moment man begins. And it begins with a sacrifice."

"That's horrible," said the Holy Spirit.

"But it is the right thing to do. And I shall do it. And when it is done, eternity will have a new king, and his way shall exemplify all that is you and your wonderful dance. It shall be the new way. I shall step aside and simply watch... and smile... as that wonderful dance becomes the centerpiece of my table. All that I do, I do for you."

"Whether I like it or not?" asked the Holy Spirit.


"Do what you must then," said Mr. Nobody. "And this time, I shall be the judge."

"You shall not be disappointed." To be continued.

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Tuesday, November 20, 2018

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 17

In the beginning, God left to get something to drink. He soon walked back into the room with the table on it. He was slurping on a soda and, at first, seemed completely normal. Chris was there standing in the same spot he always stood at, for he was not allowed to sit. It was at this very moment that God seemed to freeze up. He put the drink down on the table which snuffed out a rather interesting trinary system. Leaning over slightly, God pointed at Chris and asked, "What year is this?"

"What?" asked Chris.

"Just answer the question, Beavis."

"7BC?" replied Chris.

"Hmm," grumbled God. "Is that what you think?"

"Honestly, God, I'm not sure."

God sat down next to the table and sighed. "You know what, Dorian?"

"What's that?" asked Chris.

"I've come to a conclusion."


"I'm beginning to think you are a bit stupid." Chris was hurt by this, but God raised his hand. "No, don't start crying or anything. I'm not holding it against you. I made you stupid after all. I suppose it was fun to watch you act like a donkey once in a while."

Chris replied, "I don't really like being a donkey."

"Also part of the fun!" chuckled God. "But I think you lack the actual intelligence that most people of Earth actually have. You're an early model anyways. You're from a line that I wiped out for... what was it again?"

"I think you just did it to see if you could," whimpered Chris.

"Oh! Yes. That's right. Wow. You're really old, Horace. But then again, I don't think any of us are really all that old. We're still only in the beginning."

"The beginning?" asked Chris.

"Yes. In fact, you and I have always been here... in the beginning. Understand?"

"Not really. I thought it was 7BC."

"Yep. Still an idiot. Why don't we let the narrator explain things for us?"

Thank you. Now, as it happens, there are two major realms within utter existence: The Circle and the Line. God, Chris, Mr. Nobody, and Lucifer all existed within the realm of the Circle. The humans of earth such as Jonah and Moses all existed within the Line.

"Who is the narrator anyways?" asked Chris.

"He's just some idiot that figured out a few things about reality," replied God. "Doesn't really have the success to back any of it up, but when you're right, you're right. Please continue."

The Circle is as it sounds. It was in the shape of a circle, but all points of the Circle represented the beginning. The reason for this was because if you start at any point on a circle and follow it all the way around, it never really reaches an end. Yet... you still started somewhere, and that somewhere is always the beginning. God and Chris always resided at the beginning of things and the only reason Chris could not see this was because God was being mean to him.

"Or he's just an idiot," laughed God. "But please, continue."

Right. So you have the Circle which was in the shape of a circle. And within that circle there was a line. This line was actually called the Line. Unlike the Circle which had many beginnings, the Line only had one which was at the leftmost point.

"Why leftmost?" asked Chris.

God explained, "Left to right is a standard that I created, Bilbo. Leftmost begins and rightmost ends."

Yes. The point at the rightmost of the line was and is the ending of the Line. Where the Circle is an eternal creation, the Line is finite and will eventually disappear when the progression of time hits the rightmost point.

God remarked, "People may be surprised that I am actually just playing a video on my computer and the Line is just the progress bar. When it ends I'll probably never watch it again."

Now, as I had said, the Circle envelops the Line. What this means is that all points of the Line can be viewed or manipulated from the perspective of the Circle. God was capable of changing something on the far right end of the Line and then immediately fiddle with something on the left. Sometimes things done on the middle might actually cause things to happen earlier on. This was only possible through manipulation from the Circle, for people bound to the Line could only change things in one direction: from left to right."

"The only standard I allowed them," said God.

"Why only that?" asked Chris.

"Humans have a bad habit of wanting to erase history, Jordan. I don't think it would have been a good idea to actually give them the ability to do it. Nope. They only get to go in one direction, and that's final."

You may have trouble imagining it, but the perspective of those on the Circle... other than Chris'... was really quite fascinating. They were able to see the beginning and the end of everything happening on the Line. And presently a plan was being made to do something many might not expect.

"What is he talking about?" asked Chris.

"Simple, Brenda," grinned God. "I'm about to create the final line of humans."

"What? That doesn't make any sense. Isn't that them right there?"


"And you haven't made them yet?"


"How does that even make sense?"

"It doesn't make sense to you because you're an idiot," chuckled God. "The middle exists but the beginning is missing. I need to manipulate the middle of the Line in order to make the beginning make sense. It's all very complex stuff for you, I know. Don't worry. Just put on your feedbag and munch away. Something wonderful is about to happen, and after this... everything changes.

"But there is just one piece of this little paradox that I am going to need to make this work. And his name... is Mr. Nobody." To be continued.

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Thursday, November 15, 2018

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 16

In the beginning, there was a vase. It was a very pretty vase and belonged entirely to God. It was a gift from his favorite angel known as Lucifer. "I really like this thing," said God. "Ever since you gave it to me, I just cannot stop looking at it. I've been thinking about starting a little farm in it."

"A little farm?" asked Lucifer.

"Yes. Tiny little crops. Tiny little barn. Tiny little cows. Tiny little humans. A little blue flag right in the center. No goats. Can't leave humans alone with goats for even a day. Seriously, I just don't get it."

Lucifer nodded and replied, "I am happy you like your gift."

"Well you have always been good with gifts. It's weird because half the time you just spout off garbage, but then the gifts are really pretty."

"That is not the entire nature of my gift though," warned Lucifer.

"Eh? Oh wait. This is the part where you say and do stupid stuff again, isn't it?"

"Are you going to hear me out or not?"

God groaned and nodded. "Go on. I have five minutes."

Lucifer nodded and then took God's vase away from him. God raised an eyebrow as he watched. The angel then conjured a sledgehammer out of thin air. God's eyebrow raised all the more. And then, with all of his might, Lucifer brought the hammer down upon the vase so that it was shattered into many tiny pieces. God's eyebrow was just about floating off of his face as he saw this. Lucifer then proceeded to gather up all the pieces and placed them down before God. He stood there and smiled as if something great had occurred.

"Was that it?" asked God.

"Yes. Isn't it grand?"

"What? Giving me a gift and then smashing it to pieces?"

Lucifer sighed as he gestured to the rubble. "I have taken one thing and created many things from it. That is the true gift. Quantity. Many from one."

God sighed and covered his face in slight embarrassment. "Please tell me you are going somewhere with this, Lucifer."

"I shall attempt to enlighten you." The angel gestured once more to the rubble. "This was once a great thing owned by a great entity. But that was the problem. Why should you own such a great thing when everyone else lives without one?"

"Because you gave it to me," said God.

"And then I broke it to pieces," reminded Lucifer.


The angel raised a finger. "I'm not finished yet."

God despairingly rested his head in two open hands as he listened. Lucifer continued, "Now that there are many pieces, those pieces can now be given to those who did not have such things. The world shall be a better place for it."

"You're going to give the world garbage?" asked God.

"No, I am going to give them something far more valuable than garbage."

"Paper weights?"


God blinked and shook his head. "Wait, you agreed with me?"

Lucifer picked up one of the many pieces. "Everything has a use. Nothing is truly garbage. These little pieces still function regardless of their apparently broken forms. As a vase, it only benefited you, and you, as we all know, are merely the 1% of those who live within the universe. So I propose that life works much better if we break the wealth up into pieces and distribute what remains to all so that we all might be happy."

God gestured at the pile. "But its all broken!"

"I created quantity," stated Lucifer. "I took something you created and made more out of it."

"Wait... I created that vase?"

"Yes, I took it from your foyer just to make my point. I hope it was enlightening."

"I thought that thing looked familiar!" groaned God. "And what point did you make exactly?"

"I am also a creator. I can take what you make and create many from the one. All the pieces have use. They can be distribute to all people. We can all share in the wealth of God."

"But the things you... ugh... 'create' are... broken!"

"They merely exist in an altered state," explained Lucifer. "They are still useful to those who have them. Many people have paper that need to be weighted."

God groaned again. "Lucifer, do you actually hear the words that come out of your mouth? Do you even understand them?"

"I think that I understand them even more than you do."

"I AGREE!" snapped God. "I wholeheartedly agree. I don't understand even one iota of anything of what you said. And sadly, I am unsure if you are even capable of making me understand. It all sounds like garbage. Lucifer, you are not a creator. You are a tool. You live to serve me. If I want you to murder Chris, then you do it."

"Right now?"

"No, we're busy having a conversation right now. My point is that I sincerely feel that something has gone wrong with you. Nothing you say makes any sense."

"I am still right though. I shall prove it if you yet allow me to do so."

"Yes, fine," grumbled God. "Prove it. Prove everything. But know this: I am not happy with it. It is not the way things should be."

"I shall endeavor to prove you wrong," stated Lucifer.

"Fine," nodded God as Lucifer left his presence. God let out a depressed sigh. "Creation through destruction, he says. Everybody needs a paperweight, he says. Where did I go wrong with that guy?" To be continued.

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Tuesday, November 13, 2018

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt.15

In the beginning, there was a grave misunderstanding among the people of God. It was the simple fact that they thought that God could not see them if they did one of two things. The first being if they were to place a simple cardboard box above their heads. The second was to run so very fast that God would have difficulty keeping up with them. As it turned out neither of these were true, but the belief perpetuated till present day. One of the most notable examples in history had to do with the city of Nineveh.

"I just don't understand it, Ludwig," said God.

"What is it?' asked Chris.

"The thing with the goat. I mean just look at those two fellows right there. And the goat. And what they are doing to the goat. Don't they know the goat is too stupid to understand any of it?"

"It looks confused," observed Chris.

"It IS confused. It's just a goat. Why is my creation so broken? Serious, I don't even understand this sort of nonsense."

"Are you going to destroy them?"

"I'm thinking about it, Bosley. I'm really thinking about it. There's this whole thing with chainsaw-wielding bears that I wanted to try. The thing about it is that not everybody there is all that bad. There's a sort of tipping point happening. They just need a push in the right direction."

"What will you do?" asked Chris.

"Give me the telephone, Julie. I've got a plan to save those goats once and for all."

"Hello?" answered a man named Jonah.

"Yes, this is God. I need you to make a trip to Nineveh."

"What for?"

"I need you to go to Nineveh and tell them that they are all idiots. Tell them that if they don't leave the goats alone, I'll destroy them all... and in a very creative way this time, tell them."

"Um. I can't right now," replied Jonah.

"Why not?"

"Because... KSSH... Sorry the... KKSSSHHH... The line seems to be KKSSSHHH... Can't hear you... KKKSSSHHHH." Jonah quickly hung up and ran as fast as he could.

God hung up and looked down at his table. "What in the world is he doing?"

"Maybe he is trying to find a better working phone," suggested Chris.

God forced his eyes into slits before saying, "He was doing those sounds himself, wasn't he?"

Jonah had an amazing idea. He believed that if he could run just so fast, that God could not get a lock on him. He ran as fast as he could and was sure that he had achieved just enough speed, just enough zig-zagging, that God could not figure out his present position. He jumped onto a boat and quickly requested, "I need you to take me to wherever!"

"Why?" asked the captain.

"I'm trying to get away from God."

"Oh, good news," said the captain. "We have some cardboard boxes down in the hold. That should keep him from seeing you."

Jonah sure felt lucky to find the only cardboard box delivery ship in 760 BC. He ran down into the hold as fast as he could and encased his entire body into the biggest cardboard box he could find. The ship then set sail to Tarshish which was currently in dire need of biodegradable containers to put things into... apparently.

"Damn," said God as he looked at his table.

"What is it?" asked Chris curiously.

"I can't see Jonah anymore. He's hiding inside a cardboard box on board a ship that's traveling to Tarshish. Whatever will I do now?"

"You can't see him?"

"Not a bit of him, Lenny. I can't see how he is all curled up in a box, smiling, thinking about how he's bested me. I can't see any of that. Even though I just pretty much described it."

"You can actually see him, can't you?"

"Yep. And I'm about to rock the boat!"

It was then, and quite clearly recorded in our world's history, that god placed his mighty finger into the water surrounding the boat and began to make little circles, figure eights, and ziggy-zags. These designs might have looked pretty from high up, but to the poor ship traveling to Tarshish, it was like being in the middle of a great storm.

"What do we do?!" cried the captain. "If this ship is sunk, those poor people will never have anything to put things in when they get tired of looking at them! Egad! This is terrible!"

"It must be Jonah's fault!" mentioned a crewman. "He was running away from God. Maybe the cardboard trick doesn't really work!"

"It doesn't work?!" cried the captain. "But it seemed like such a clever idea! No matter! Bring him up to me and let him tell us what to do!"

And so Jonah was brought to the deck where he was told of the current problems. "It's me," admitted Jonah. "God's a little smarter than I took him for."

"What should we do?" asked the captain.

"Toss me overboard. It's the only way."

And so Jonah was tossed overboard and was soon swallowed up by a great fish... or maybe it was a whale. Actually it might have just been a giant fish.

"Who is to say that it wasn't a giant fish?" stated God. "I created entire planets. I think I can handle one unusually large fish."

"Herman Melville thought whales were fish," said Chris.

"Nobody asked you, Wilhelm."

Jonah spent three days and three nights in that fish/whale. It was not pleasant at all. In fact, it was downright uncomfortable. But through it all, Jonah was humbled. And upon hearing a phone ringing inside the belly, he picked it up and immediately knew who he was connected to. "Before you say anything at all, let me just say that I am a total idiot. I screwed up. Wow, did I screw up. I seriously thought I could hide from you. Now that I look at it in hindsight, it doesn't even make a bit of sense that I would even try. My mamma always said I was a nincompoop, and I now understand what she meant by it. I should have just done as you had told me. What can I say... Whoops."

"Close enough," said God. "Go on, fish! Vomit the idiot up!"

"The end!" added God proudly.

"The end?" Chris was confused. "But what happened?"

"Well it all worked out for the best, didn't it? Jonah went to Nineveh. He told them the error of their ways. They cut that weird goat stuff out."

"Just from him saying so?"

"Yep. And it's just about the only fish story in history anyone ever bothered believing. But if you had seen him covered in fish vomit, you'd believe him too."

"You planned for him to run from the beginning, didn't you?"

"Yes, Heather. It's true. I'm an asshole." To be continued.

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Looks kind of like a fish to me...

Thursday, November 8, 2018

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Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 14

In the beginning, God thought he knew what he was doing. But things did not always go his way. There were times that he could not look at his creations and so looked away to the only thing that he absolutely adored looking at.

"Why are you looking at me?" asked Mr. Nobody.

"Because I adore you," replied God.

"Why don't you look at your creation instead?"

"Because it's too depressing."

"You're depressed?"

"Incredibly. I think I may have turned the intelligence of the humans down a bit too much. I screwed up. I screwed up bad."

"Then why don't you do away with them?"

God shook his head. "I won't do that. Not even for you."

"Your people are suffering under the weight of their own stupidity. They created a god to worship themselves. They worked hard at making the thing... and then they worship it. Face the facts, God, you aren't very good at creating people."

"That isn't true," replied God. "I am very good at making people. I am not very good at keeping it consistent over many generations. I lose track of them as they breed and branch out."

"Then why continue?" asked Mr. Nobody.

"Because this is what I want."

"This?" asked the Holy Spirit while gesturing at the table. "Seriously? This? This is really what you want?"

"Please don't."

"Don't what? God, you have created a world filled with hopeless and selfish ingrates. You are obviously inept at it. Nothing good will come of this experiment and you know it. Why don't you just do what you are so good at and wipe it all clean?"

"And you along with it?"


"Stop it," groaned God.

"Stop what?"

"Stop telling me to wipe out my creation. Your very principles are why I won't do it."

"What are you saying?" asked Mr. Nobody.

"Your dance. Your dance is the whole reason this world has to continue on its course. You are the reason I do what I do."

"Rubbish. You are a petty and egotistical fool who only seeks to serve himself."

"Yes," replied God.


"Yes. I do this to serve myself. I cannot help it. It is who I am. But I am trying to make a creation that exceeds even me. I cannot do that without your guidance."

"Your creation is a failure," repeated the Holy Spirit. "End it."

"Stop it."

"Just end it!"

"I can't!" God cried. "It's mine! It's the only thing I have! Without it I have NOTHING! NOTHING! Do you even know what nothing is like?! No, you don't! You didn't even know yourself before I pulled you into this! It's horrible and boring!"

The Holy Spirit was not diminished by God's ire. "Nothing would be better than this pointless chaos!"

"It isn't easy!" shouted God. "This is the most difficult thing I have ever done! I am constantly surrounded by unexpected problems that seem nearly impossible to fix!"

"Then do away with it!" shouted Mr. Nobody.

"No! Don't take this away from me! It's all I have. It's all I ever wanted!"

"What do you want?"

"For it to end right! For there to be some point to all of this! That's all! They're all I have! Even most of my angels turned on me! Please, don't you turn on me too! I want this so bad! I don't want to give up! Please!"

"Yes," replied the Holy Spirit.


"I won't turn my back on you. Continue."

"You're backing me?"

"With all of my heart. But just understand that I will never, ever be satisfied until everything in the universe, including me, is wiped out."

God nodded slowly. "I can live with that." Mr. Nobody groaned. To be continued.

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Tuesday, November 6, 2018

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 13

In the beginning, there was man named Moses who surprised people at nearly every moment of his life. It seemed quite clear from the time of his birth that he was a friend to God himself. So much of a friend that God actually remembered his name.

"But how is that possible?" asked Chris.

"How is what possible?" returned God.

"Moses hasn't even visited you. How can he be such a good friend that you even remember his name?"

"Familiarity breed contempt, Jerry," returned God. "I like humans a lot more when I don't have to look at them. Everything I've heard of this man sounds pretty awesome. I've been lending him my power."

"How come?"

"Well, after killing millions of humans, I finally think they're ready to move on to better things. All they need is to know just how powerful I really am. Nothing wrong with a healthy dose of the fear of me to set people straight."

And Moses did many great things in the name of God. His main purpose was to liberate his people, that being the Israelites, from the Pharaoh of Egypt. Any normal man would not be very convincing in this argument, but Moses proved to be in touch with a being far greater than the Pharaoh and those who served him.

Chris remarked, "I'm surprised at how stubborn the Pharaoh is. Moses is bringing so many terrible plagues upon him. Why doesn't he just release the Israelites?"

"He can't," replied God.

"Why not?"

"It's simple, Ted. I won't let him. It's a lot more entertaining this way. Imagine a man who sits coldly upon his throne while the palace around him melts into slag. It's funny. I enjoy seeing him suffer while sitting there still in his pride."

"But meanwhile, Moses cannot free his people," said Chris.

"Yes, I know. Moses and I are in communication. There are steps that need to be taken in order to push the Pharaoh in just the right way. You forget, Jordan, that this will be a story that will be told for generations to come."

"You're writing a story?"

"Creation is a story. Now put back on your feedbag. You need your oats."

Moses stood before the Pharaoh who had fallen prostate upon the floor. "My son," he wept in anguish. "Your God has murdered my son."

"Yes, he did," said Moses. "I warned you of it. Why did you not heed my warning?"

"Just go!" cried the Pharaoh. "Take your people and go!"

"His son?!" asked Chris in shock. "You murdered his son?!"

"I murder a lot of people," smiled God. "I murder them as if it was the easiest thing in the universe. And you know what? It is. I presented the Pharaoh with a simple decision. All he had to do was what I wanted. I was pissed off when he turned me down. So I made sure he suffered for it. He'll always suffer for it. Did he really think he could best me? That little man who sits on that tiny throne? Who is he to me, Duncan?"

"He's nobody," muttered Chris.

"And his pain is not about to end so quickly. For his heart is still set against me. I've made sure of it. I'll take what little he has left and destroy it all right before his eyes. The Israelites will see who it is that Moses serves and know that they are truly small before he who is great. They will learn this lesson easily because I will be so bold, so forthright, that there will be no way that they will ever turn from me again! Behold! I shall allow Moses to part the Red Sea!"

And so Moses parted the Red Sea. Moses led his people through the opening of the water across dry land. As God had expected, the Pharaoh had changed his mind and sent his men into the parted waters to take his slaves back to Egypt.

"Aaaaaaaaand SPLAT!" shouted God. "And there he stands at the edge looking out across the Red Sea where all his men were promptly drowned. I can see into his mind, Humphrey. He knows entirely the error of his ways. He knows perfectly where he went wrong and wonders how he continued to act so stupidly to the bitter end."

"It was you," muttered Chris.

"Yes. The Pharaoh forgot that he was only one human within an entire creation made by me. Everything he ever had was given to him by me. And just as I had given it to him, I took it away."

"And what about the Israelites?" asked Chris.

"Oh, they are in the palm of my hand. I've been giving them food and fire and all sorts of nice things. And Moses is going up a hill to come see me."

"What for?" asked Chris.

"I'm gonna give them a set of laws. Things are looking up!"

"I shall return soon!" shouted Moses to his people. "I shall travel up this mountain where I shall be given commandments by God himself!"

"God lives up there?" asked Mendel.

"No," corrected Moses. "We're just meeting up there."

"How long will you be up there?" asked Samuel.

"Probably about 40 days. Really, I have to get going. This is God we're talking about. You shouldn't keep him waiting."

"Why will it take so long to write down a set of laws?" asked Uri.

"Yes. Why is that?" asked Chris.

"I don't have time to explain circle-to-line time dilation mechanics to a donkey," said God. "Just shut up and watch."

And so Moses ascended the hill, and in forty days he came back down holding the sacred tablets. He looked a mess and was frightfully sunburned. But he was pleased that it was all worth it in the end. God knew what he was doing after all. He had a plan.

"Oh, crap," said Uri. "Is that who I think it is?"

Everyone stopped and looked at Moses as he stood there holding the commandments that he had promised. There they were all giving offerings to a golden calf of which they had made themselves. It was awkward for a bit. Moses was the first to break the silence, "Seriously?"

"We can explain," said Mendel.

"We thought you died!" shouted someone from within the group. "And then we got bored and invented a new god!"

"It's a cow," said Samuel. "Yefet was talking about how he really loved milk, and we sort of all realized how much we love milk."

"You aren't mad at us, are you Moses?" asked Uri nervously.

Moses furrowed his brow. He raised up the tablets and...

"No. No," said God covering his eyes. "Something went wrong."

"¿QuĂ©?" asked Chris.

"Oh, don't start that bull again! I'm going to go talk to Mr. Nobody for a while. I need a break. I need... to just... reconsider some things. I just... Wow. I don't even... Ugh!" To be continued.

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Thursday, November 1, 2018

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 12

In the beginning, God was yelled at all the time. The truth was that he never really cared. The only time he ever really did care was when the yelling came from Mr. Nobody. "Why are you yelling at me?" asked God. "I've only been taking care of business."

"Your way is stupid," replied the Holy Spirit.

"My way is righteous in all things. And besides, I promised you that I would not wipe out everything, and I didn't. I've only been wiping out small parts of my creation so that the stupid humans don't clean themselves out."

"I'm still angry with you," said Mr. Nobody.

"It was really bad!" cried God. "Did I tell you about the goat?!"

"No, its not that," said the Holy Spirit. "I didn't really mind it when you wiped out the people."

"Then what's the problem?"

"I'm talking about what you did with the Tower of Babel."

"That giant nipple?" asked God.

"Whatever. What you did was stupid."

"All I did was mess up their languages. It worked, didn't it?"

"You made things worse. The whole planet is confused now. People are forming up into tribes based on their languages. Your people are prideful of silly things. The entire experiment is now untenable."

"I don't think so," said God.

"How so?"

"Because I am God and I don't think so."

"That's not a reason," accused Mr. Nobody.

"It's the reason I am giving. Okay, so the decision to split the languages may have been... screwy."


"Yes, that's the word I'm using. Screwy. But if I am not allowed to destroy everything, I am having to fix things on the fly. Some decisions may have negative results, but I am confident in my ability to work things out over time."

"Do you even know what you are doing?" asked the Holy Spirit.

"Not a blasted thing, but that's where the excitement is, right?"

"No. It isn't exciting. It's awful. And if you knew what was best, you'd just wipe everything out and never start over again."

God shook his head. "Everybody deserves a little piece of your wonderful dance. I dearly want to give them this."

"It's my dance."

"Not anymore. But I still give you the credit for creating it."

"I did not create anything!" yelled Mr. Nobody. "I was just being me!"

"Yes, and what you are is the most wonderful thing in all of the cosmos! And I wanted it! I wanted it more than anything I have ever craved before in all of my existence! I wanted it and so I took it! And now that I have it, the universe that I have created will benefit from it!"

"Your people just started worshiping a golden calf."

"Yes, I know. I'm trying not to look." To be continued.

Thank you for reading my blog. Did you like it? Did you hate it? Either way, you can comment below or you can email me at You can also visit my website at Check out my books! Thanks!