Thursday, December 27, 2018

Fairy Tale Spotlight: After Our Divine Comedy

With every beginning there comes an end. From the moment I started writing Our Divine Comedy, I always knew that I would have to face its conclusion and move on to whatever was next. And what's next? Back to more fairy tales. I just want to go back to what I was doing before that damned hurricane came and fiddled with my mind.

I am not entirely sure if my memory is correct, but I do believe that I once called the Bible a fairy tale. And if I didn't, I would like to at least make the statement officially right now. The Bible is a fairy tale. This sentence tends to make some people uncomfortable. I bet it makes most atheists rather pleased, but I do want to point out that I actually do consider the Bible to be a work of truth. The events did happen.

The term "Fairy Tale" does not denote fiction. It simply means that it is a tale and that there are fairies included in that tale. If you have an understanding of what angels, demons, and other strange creatures are, the Bible really is a fairy tale. But it is also true. I have seen too much proof of it. I just feel that the story is a bit more silly than most religions make it out to be.

On that note, I am not against organized religion. I completely support it... perhaps from a distance. Organized religion keep the stories alive, but they do so with a certain pomp and reverence that I just don't want to take upon myself. Never saw the point. But if you are going to subscribe to a religion, I flatly expect you to follow those rules. I won't respect you if you don't. If you are going to be a Baptist, Pentecostal, or even a Catholic, I expect you to follow the tenets of those respective religions. But I won't... because I am not a part of any of those things. I'm just trying to figure it all out on my own. I may end up wrong, but I'm pretty sure being wrong isn't a sin.

From here on out, we are going to go back to the fairy tales. We're going to dive into tropes and stories that have stood the test of time... and maybe a few which didn't. We'll look into modern tales as well. I love things like this. I truly love them. And I hope you all will enjoy what is yet to come.

As for Our Divine Comedy, I'm preparing to turn it into a book. There may also be an audio drama in the works as well. So I'll still be fiddling around with it. This story came straight from the heart. It may have been silly and often insane, but it was based on stuff I honestly believed in. If you can get past all the jokes, there was some truth mixed up in there. I am honestly very happy to see it complete. Thanks to those who read it and provided feedback. I love you all. Maybe someday, I'll see you all... in the beginning. ~T.K. Wade

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Tuesday, December 25, 2018

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy Pt. 27 (Final)

In the beginning, there was a storm. And the storm was called Florence even though it had no awareness to comprehend that name. And the storm itself was called forth by actions taken by Lucifer at a period before Adam, but no one seemed to know this, and so they blamed the storm itself and insisted on giving it a name. And this storm which had no real consciousness plowed over me, and made terrifying noises, and removed from me many conveniences for the period of one and one-half weeks. And there came a point where I realized that I had become naked and alone with nothing to do but sit and stare into the void that was reality. And after so much time... I realized... that it was all quite humorous.

The weeks and months after the storm were filled with pestilence and plagues. Insects swarmed my home, and I suffered through their annoyances as I began to write the very thing you have been reading all of this time. I suffered a nasty illness to the point that I was unable to sleep for several nights in a row. My car broke down twice and I have only just recovered it after nearly a month. The toilets in my house also overflowed and filled my abode with nastiness, and during this time I suffered great humiliation of which I will not speak. All these things happened during the span of time that this story was written, and through it all I somehow continued to write it.

And then there came a day where I was sitting alone in my room. A bright light suddenly pierced its way through my ceiling and struck me across the face. I shielded myself and squinted my eyes as I attempted to pier up into the face of the one whom, no doubt, Moses beheld twice upon the great mountain. Tears fell from my eyes as I realized the truth of the universe, but it was not what people thought. It was a punchline, and I had been the gullible fool.

But then another revelation came to me as I sat upon my chair. I realized that the punchline was also reality. Everything had happened despite there being a certain degree of hilarity to it. I turned on the TV and checked the news. I saw the madness that had taken over the world. The serious ones were failing and the mad men were winning. And I realized then that I loved the mad men. I loved them with all of my heart. They were God-like: brash, uncaring, unfriendly men who did things by their own will and cared nothing for those who defied them. They tore their hands into the earth and threw up the dirt to build new and wonderful things. I loved them, and I knew it. I could see God's handiwork through these men, and that was when I realized that I wanted to be mad too.

I knelt down and knew that God had not caused the suffering that I went through. He simply allowed it. He allowed it because he knew I would never quit. And he laughed at my suffering because he knew it would never destroy me. And I rejoiced in him and loved him for his actions, for those actions were what changed the path of this world. That he gave his only son to be the leader of this world, blessed by the Holy Spirit, was enough to pardon him, for he had judged himself and so removed himself from leadership.

And in my final moments, I looked up into the heavens and I asked of God himself, "Was it good? Was my story good? After all the horrible things that happened to me, did you enjoy my story?"

And after a small time, the answer indeed came from the lips of God, "Eh, it was okay."

The end.

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Thursday, December 20, 2018

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 26

In the beginning, there was nothing. Nothing was actually there. Later on there were things, but nothing was there at the very first of it. Oddly, there were things before the beginning. People lived and died. But then there came a point where suddenly... nothing existed. This point on the Line is known as Page 8, and it is the true beginning of things.

The events of Page 8 were skipped over because God had no idea what to do there. It is always very difficult beginning a story, but when you are a being of the Circle, you have the unique privilege of skipping parts over. From there we saw a number of things happen. There was the Great Flood. There was the tale of Moses. There was Jonah and the whale... or fish. Jesus was later born... and then he died. Nations rose and fell. The United States of America formed and we soon were going to the moon. Many amazing things happened, but none of it really meant anything because God had never written the beginning of this story which was supposed to begin on Page 8.

Indeed, others had written about it. None of this was considered canon though because it did not really exist. The world was merely going off of an incomplete picture and adapting accordingly. God had not yet acted, but within the Circle, there was always a chance for a new beginning.

Jesus stood before the crazy man known as John. He said to him, "I am here to be baptized."

"What? Seriously?" asked John in surprise.

From the heavens fell a being towards the Earth. It descended with great speed, its arms outstretched like wings. God struggled to get back up to his feet. He almost managed to do it, but his foot slipped on the paddle he had been playing with, and his chin slammed into the table causing no less than three stars to fizzle out. Chris ran to go pick him up.

"Yes, I am serious," replied Jesus.

"But... don't you know who you are?" asked John in bewilderment.

"I can get up on my own, Zachary!" screamed God as he struggled to get back to his feet.

"What happened to Mr. Nobody?" asked Chris backing away.

"He jumped into the table!" shouted God.

"But why?!"

"I don't know!"

The eyes of Mr. Nobody were set. He flew downward towards Earth faster than anything that had ever moved. Fire blazed all around his body. It pained him. It hurt so much. But he never looked back. He only looked onward to one man.

"I don't understand," said John.

"What do you not understand?" asked Jesus.

"You should be baptizing me."

"What the hell is he doing?!" screamed God.

"Here's your paddle-ball, sir," said Chris.

God just smacked it out of his hand and yelled, "I've got no time for that, Orville!"

Mr. Nobody narrowed his eyes. The whistling of the air around him seemed to fade into silence. All he could see and hear were the events happening before him. His arms remained out. He flipped himself so that his feet fell first.

Jesus smiled and replied, "Humor me, John. Just humor me." And somehow John understood. A smile crossed his lips, he took hold of Jesus, and he dunked him into the water. Jesus, the son of God, was splashed down into the river by a man who was insane. He allowed it to happen, and when he rose up, those that were present saw the form of a man descend upon Jesus.

God held onto the side of the table and cried out with elation, "Yeeeeees! Oh, yeeeees!"

The people near the river all shielded their eyes as they looked upon this strange form and did not know what it was. But from the heavens they heard God cry out with such happiness, "Look at him! Look at this man! This is my son, and I am pleased with him!"

And then when God had said these things, he looked back at Page 8 and realized that the words had been written. And there stood a man whose name was Adam. The first human of the new project, and he was born of the sacrifice of Jesus who died in the comforting hands of the Holy Spirit. The Line was now complete. Jesus was the new way. God was now second. And the story shall soon be brought to its ultimate conclusion. To be continued.

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Tuesday, December 18, 2018

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 25

In the beginning, there was darkness. Although people and things existed, those things had no light. Everything existed as a shadow of a shadow. It was bland and uninteresting. But then there came upon the earth a stranger. In much the same way, this stranger was dark and confusing. People did not understand who he was. People did not understand what he was. People did not understand why he was. This confusion lead to some very nervous questions.

"What? Seriously?"

Although the questions were answered, nobody seemed to understand. Darkness was all they knew. Darkness was all they believed in. There was a bias to darkness, and here was a man, also of darkness, who spoke of bright things.

"Is he not of Nazareth?" one asked. It was true. He was of Nazareth. He was a man of darkness. There was no light about him. He was a shadow. He was always a man who lived in the shadows. If one would look directly at him, there was a small chance that they would not even notice he was there. Yet out of confusion, he was noticed somehow. And for this reason, he began to form an importance.

"Is he not the son of Mary and Joseph?" another asked.

Indeed, he was the son of Mary and Joseph. Mary and Joseph were from the shadows too. They were of little consequence in the grand scheme of things. Nobody really thought much of them. This man was their son, but somehow none of that seemed to matter. He still spoke of brighter things despite not being all that bright himself.

"What right do you have to say these things?" asked yet another.

Indeed, the man had no right to say anything at all. He was a man of darkness like the rest of them. Yet he still persisted in saying the words that he said, and people detected his sincerity. The man ignored those who accused him and continued to speak as he was wont to do.

There came a day when a man of no value accused this man of being the son of God. The man of darkness agreed with this and was surprised to no end to hear another say so. This man knew that these words were true but simply wanted to be sure. To be accused of such a great crime as being the son of a being that was so ruthless and horrible to the people of Earth was a tough pill to swallow. Nevertheless... the son of God had suspected it and was ready to deal with it in whatever way that would come to him.

"We would do anything for you," said a disciple.

Many would say this to him. Many offered him great things. This man of shadows could see that his popularity was growing even to the kings themselves. He had an opportunity to use this to his advantage. Such things were not known to happen to the Nazarenes. But this man turned away from such opportunity. He chose to live for those who chose to follow him. He yearned to show them a new way. He wanted so dearly to help them along the path. He could not be bothered to allow others to raise him upon a pedestal. He, instead, chose to wash their feet. In all of his popularity, he chose to be a Nazarene. He was their servant.

During his trials as the son of God and man, this man of darkness was tempted. He could see the two paths. He yearned to betray those who cried out to him for salvation. He wanted to run away and simply... build. Perhaps he could build for others. Perhaps he could just build for himself. What was so wrong with that? These people were confused. They did not understand who he was. Would they even learn anything? Was it worth it? This man of darkness who spoke of light had choices to consider. He was tempted. He considered the possibilities. There was no right and wrong in those moments. It was merely a choice that would be judged by another. Once his choice was made, right and wrong would adhere to the new way. He knew this. The future of everything depended on his choice. Which was righteous: good or evil?

There came a day when there was one who turned against him. He expected it. He saw it coming from the very first day he was called for who he was. There was no need to die. He knew it. His father was the richest being in the universe. One call and it would all be over. He could just cry out and the world would be left to burn.

The man of darkness and shadow lowered his head and asked, "Is there any other way? I do not wish to suffer. I do not wish to die. Can they not be saved any other way?"

But there was no answer... for God was busy playing paddle ball. His own father, the very God of the cosmos himself, would not even look at him. He would not even listen to him. God was busy. God was ignoring him. The man of darkness realized just how alone he was. The entire universe rested on his shoulder. It was heavy and caused him great pain. But the man knew the truth of it all. There was no other way. He would either act as he had for his entire life... and die... or he would make a move in his own favor.

"They can do anything," he said to the nothing. "They can do anything they want. They can go as high as the moon. They can cross out into other worlds which lie beyond imagination. They can do it all, if they were not so blind. But I know that they still desire such things. They all live in darkness. It is too dark for them to see these things. I feel for them. I forgive them. They have no idea what they are even doing. For those who strive for greater things, I shall die for them in hopes that one day... it will make a difference."

This man was named Jesus, and he was murdered in innocence. He was a man without sin, yet he was still tempted. He knew good and evil, yet he chose good. And yet... he was murdered. The wages of sin was death, yet he was without sin. Why was he killed? Nobody understood this. Nobody knew who he really was. Jesus was the son of God, but he was also a mortal man. Even so, there was something more.

Mr. Nobody took note that Jesus died in the name of compassion and friendship. He died in the hope that the human race would thrive somehow. He also saw how so many had turned against him in the hopes of perpetuating some corrupt status quo. This angered Mr. Nobody. This angered him with intensity. His hands quivered with the very force of his anger. Never had he felt for a human in this way.

The Holy Spirit stood up upon his chair. God looked up for just a moment with wide-eyes as he saw Mr. Nobody fall into the table. Out of shock and surprise, God's rolling chair slipped from under him and he fell careening into the floor with a clash not unlike the first great fall he took at the beginning of this story. To be continued.

Thank you for reading my blog! Did you like it? Did you hate it? Either way, you can comment below, or you can email me at You can also visit my website at Check out my books! Thanks!

Thursday, December 13, 2018

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 24

In the beginning, there was the Circle, and the Circle was not bound to the Line. Even so, the Line was bound to the Circle. The perspective of the Circle was as if looking at a page of text and nothing more. You could go to other pages of text if you wanted to, but there was no real need to. There was nothing wrong with sticking around that same page... even if it was for eternity.

"I am here to be baptized," said Jesus.

"What? Seriously?" asked John in surprise.

End of page 2016.

This is how it was for God. And as he sat near the table, refusing to change the page, he would notice Mr. Nobody staring at the same page also. The Holy Spirit could not move for he had bound himself to the Line in those moments. He was momentarily trapped within the dilation of time between the two points, or so it appeared to God. God remained on the Circle and refused to move any further than that spot.

There was no real hurry. Events would happen as they would regardless. He even knew much of the future as it would happen. The problem was centered somewhere around page 8. Page 8 was a strange one. Even though it appeared near the beginning of this hypothetical book, it had not actually been written yet. It was blank. Much of what was going to happen around page 2016 was going to lead to the writing of page 8.

But still, there was no real need to move forward to page 2017. There was plenty of things God could do... like sitting... breathing... thinking. He did those things a lot, perhaps not to his own pleasure. Of course, there was always paddle-ball. In fact, it must be known that God holds the all-time record at paddle-ball. By using a technique known as a universal temporal macro, he managed to get no less than seventy duodecillion, forty sextillion, eight hundred trillion, four thousand and two [70,000,000,000,000,000,040,000,000,800,000,000,004,002] paddles down before simply just getting bored of the activity.

Chris was nearby trying to beat this record while God sat there thinking. The human was bravely doing his best and had reached a very bold paddle number of forty-three [43] when he decided to ask, "Why don't you just move on?"

"Because I'm not obligated to, Darius," replied God.

"But I just think it's kind of weird that we all just seem a bit stuck in time. It's weird to see Mr. Nobody over there holding so still. Why can't we just move on to see what happens?"

"What's the point?" groaned God. "I have all the time and existence in the universe to hold off what is very likely to be a failure."

"What do you mean?"

"Mr. Nobody doesn't like me. He never did. He's only ever done what he did because he doesn't like to see others who strive for something suffer. It's some weird and wacky concept that came from him called compassion. I'm still not used to it. Never understood how being nice to people would ever lead to anything, but whatever."

"I like it when you're nice to me," whimpered Chris as he paddled past sixty-four [64].

"Yeah, I know. It's nice to eat hay without a feedbag once in a while, isn't it, Boo Boo?"

"Sure is," smiled Chris.

"Well, that little act of compassion did not really come from me. It came from Mr. Nobody. I've never been one to be either friendly or compassionate. I'm a man who just likes to see things get done."

"But you still won't move forward on the Line," mentioned Chris as he passed eighty-one [81].

God rested his face within his hands. "I know what's coming. I know the future and how it ends. But unless the beginning is written properly, none of this is going to mean anything. Mr. Nobody is probably going to take one look at my son and just scrap him as nothing worth a damn. Like father, like son. He's just as messed up as I am. I know I have to deal with it eventually, but I just need a while to get ready for it. If Mr. Nobody rejects my son, I am going to be devastated." He sighed miserably. "I'm also going to just leave it all alone for eternity. I'll take my son back and we'll just leave the Line to dissolve itself. It will be a failed experiment. Lucifer can have it. He certainly will deserve it."

Chris frowned as he paddled up to one hundred and three [103]. "Will you ever try again?"

"No. It's just too heartbreaking for me. I put everything into this iteration. This was where my heart was. I love these humans... as stupid as they are. I want them to succeed. I want them to rise above all of their problems and... maybe even join me here in the Circle. And from there... we can all be creators. We can all make wonderful things. And Jesus... He can manage it all from a throne. It's all such a beautiful idea. But... I don't know if it is even possible. If I can't get Mr. Nobody's blessing... the Line will simply fizzle out and collapse. The humans will all die. I'll be alone. I'll... be damned.

Chris was silent after hearing that. God peered back down at page 2016. "I am here to be baptized," said Jesus.

"What? Seriously?" asked John in surprise.

God looked back at Chris as a tear fell from his eye. "I can't look."

"But... you have to," said Chris.

"What the hell do you know?" asked God miserably. "You're just my donkey." Hearing that, Chris missed a paddle at one hundred and nineteen [119]. God groaned and told him, "Oh, and you were sooo close too." Chris frowned and sighed. To be continued.

Thank you for reading my blog! Did you like it? Did you hate it? Either way, you can comment below, or you can email me at You can also visit my website at Check out my books! Thanks!

Tuesday, December 11, 2018

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 23

In the beginning, the beginning was the beginning. It began in the beginning, was the beginning, and continued eternally as the beginning. "I am here to be baptized," said Jesus.

John was confused. He could only stare at this man before him as they stood within the water. "What?" he soon said. "Seriously?"

"Yes, John," replied Jesus.

"Now he's just putting words in his mouth," said God as he looked away from the computer.

Chris walked up and said, "The real thing is happening right over there, God." He pointed back at the table.

"I'm busy right now, Cory. Besides, I have like thirty of these blogs left to read. Really fascinating stuff too. Did you know that there is some idiot in the year 2018 that thinks I'm a crazy asshat?" Chris was unusually silent. God stared at him until his eyes formed into slits. "You can disagree with him anytime, Fauntleroy."

Chris sighed and simply said, "Eeehaw."

"Close enough. Now, what you might find very interesting about this particular blogger is that he and Lucifer had a little argument over a chat."

"He did?" asked Chris with some surprise.

"It's all speculative, of course." He looked at Chris for a moment. "Eh. Speculative is a word that means 'To pull out of ones anal region.' Ha! Remember that time I pulled that star out of your butt?"

"Damn, that hurt," frowned Chris as he rubbed his rear.

"Haha! Am I great at party tricks or what?! Anyways here's the chat, Xavier. Have a look. But hurry up because your new shipment of organic hay is about to arrive."


Lucifer: Did you know that the things that you are doing are blasphemous?

TK: How so?

Lucifer: You are besmirching the name of the Holy Father with this blog. You are purposely making him look like an idiot.

TK: I'm writing a comedy.

Lucifer: But its a comedy that you believe. You even seem to believe that he reads your blog.

TK: I am assuming that, since the Circle connects to all points of the Line, that he has the ability to keep track of my blog at the very same time that he is dealing with the John the Baptist incident. I am also concluding that, since he is God, that his technology is AT LEAST up to par with the mid 2000's... hence the computer.

Lucifer: None of this is in the Bible. People will read your blog and assume that you are a rebellious, anti-religious heathen with his own agendas.

TK: You don't understand my agenda.

Lucifer: Enlighten me.

TK: I woke up one day and realized what this world was and why it was. And I could not help but laugh. Much of it is funny. There is serious stuff too, but I could not help but laugh at the silliness of it all. And most importantly, I knew that it was all real. Also, Lucifer, I am not against the Bible and religion. Much of what I am doing is a validation of all the things that are taught in church. I am merely being extremely irreverent about it.

Lucifer: Many could consider that to be a failing.

TK: I am not responsible for anyone but myself. I judge myself.

Lucifer: And you seem to judge God as well.

TK: No mortal man can judge God. No man has the perspective needed to do it.

Lucifer: Yet you dare to judge him and his ways.

TK: I am merely trying to relay something I saw in a vision. I am trying to show how funny it was.

Lucifer: Your blog is filled with lies.

TK: My blog is filled with jokes. The jokes are my own and I find them funny. I find the universe funny. I find that God himself is funny. But those are subjective feelings. People never bother to identify with God. They never seem to want to see the world from his perspective. They never seem to care about his feelings. They dismiss his mistakes as genius (not that they can do anything about it anyways). The universe in their eyes are a bit too simplistic and closed off. They cannot relate to the universe in this way.

Lucifer: So you create fiction in order to relate to a falsehood.

TK: I create satire based on what I believe is true.

Lucifer: All the while blaspheming the Holy Father.

TK: I am a storyteller. I saw these things in a vision.

Lucifer: You are a sinner.

TK: For writing this blog?

Lucifer: Yes, and you should be ashamed.

TK: I am not ashamed, but I may be insane. I am not fond of being sensible. I just want to put out what I see for the world to see. If I am to be judged, then so judge me. If I am to be punished, then so punish me. I can only be who I am. If I am driven to do something, then I feel that I must do it.

Lucifer: You also judged me.

TK: There's a reason for that.

Lucifer: Name it.

TK: We are the same. We are both first tier creations of God. We have the same perspective. I have judged you and called you, not only evil, but also batshit crazy. In your very first act as God's most beautiful angel, you created communism. You brought a negative into existence and have been decreasing its value ever since. Good job. By the way, that was sarcasm.

Lucifer: You'll learn someday. You are not only a sinner but quite an immoral, little brat. All humans will learn the truth someday. I will show them. And you, TK, shall end up alone and forgotten by everyone because you simply did not conform to the world the way you should have. Goodbye.

TK: Fine, bye.


Chris cocked his head as he read the blog. He whispered to himself, "Wait... Do I know this guy?"

"Great news!" shouted God. "The organic hay arrived! Strap on your feedbag, Barny!" To be continued.

Thank you for reading my blog! Did you like it? Did you hate it? Either way, you can comment below, or you can email me at You can also visit my website at Check out my books! Thanks!

Thursday, December 6, 2018

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 22

In the beginning, there was a moment that never seemed to end. Jesus approached John the baptist within the water and said to him, "I am here to be baptized."

To which John replied, "What? Seriously?"

"I'm not sure of the point to any of this," said Lucifer.

"Why are you bothering me now?" asked God.

"Am I really such a bother? Was I not your finest creation? Was I not the greatest of your angels?"

"I made a mistake," replied God.

"God makes no mistakes," countered Lucifer. "Is that not what they say?"

"They are only half right. I do make mistakes, but when I do, I make perfect mistakes. Lucifer, you are a perfect mistake. You perfectly function like garbage, and that was my fault."

"Then I see no reason why any of this is even necessary," said Lucifer. "If God can make perfect mistakes, then there is no reason why God should bother with his creation anymore. Leave it to someone who can at least make something functional of it. All you ever do is create unregulated chaos. People suffer. You suffer. We all suffer. Suffering is bad, yes?"

"Lucifer, you are incredibly stupid."

"Sticks and stones," said the angel. "Really, I think I have moved beyond such things. I have done so much since my inception. You have struggled incoherently in your madness. And there are actually humans who think the things you do are wonderful. They wrote a book about you and pass it around as if it fully represents your truest of words."

"I know of the book," said God. "They are my words."

"They saw the silly things you did and created morals from them. Little stories that all seemed to lead up to the praise of a failed experiment. Do you remember when you spoke through that donkey?"

God chuckled. "How could I forget that? I was so bored that day."

"People gave that story a moral."

God rolled his eyes. "I was just screwing around. The guy was annoying so I gave him a bit of a fright. It killed five minutes."

"Yes, but that like many of your acts were adored and loved by so many people who did not understand how little you really cared about them. They do not understand that God has abandoned them for the sake of his own foolishness. I, on the other hand, do care. I am a much better friend to these people."

God shook his head. "I have killed a lot of people but only for specific reasons and at specific times. You, Lucifer, grind the world down constantly with your ridiculous notion of fairness. People whom even I see as innocent are torn to shreds in that grinder of yours. Your way is atrocious."

"My way is efficient."

"I don't care about efficiency," replied God.

"Obviously. And that is why the thing you do now will fail. You have absolutely no self control. You, yourself, are a failed experiment. A being that should never have done anything more than just sit in a chair and stair out into the void. What a joke you are."

"Mhmm. Yes. I've turned the universe into a joke, I suppose," replied God. "But as I exist on the Circle, there is always room for a new beginning. I am putting all my faith in another. And he shall be the catalyst that drives forth a new way. And this catalyst shall expand from one end of the Line to the other."

Lucifer raised a finger. "I shall spoil the ending for you. Your son is going to die. Those who follow him will also die in ignorance of everything you attempted to do, so nothing will be learned. And in the end, I shall take his place and bring out a new era of peace and efficiency where you failed. It's all such a joke, God. And the joke has always been on you."

God frowned as he looked at the angel. "I won't stop you from trying."

"Why not?"

"Because there is a burning in my heart to prove to you that you have always been completely and utterly full of shit."

"We shall see," smiled the angel.

God looked back at his table. Jesus and John still stated at one another. He looked away and leaned over trying to contemplate things. To be continued.

Thank you for reading my blog! Did you like it? Did you hate it? Either way, you can comment below, or you can email me at You can also visit my website at Check out my books! Thanks!

Tuesday, December 4, 2018

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 21

In the beginning, there was man named John. He was a silly man who dressed funny and ate bugs for breakfast. He also was something of a bully who liked to dunk people's heads underwater. But for some reason, these things that he did were greater than those who dressed well and ate fancy dinners at home.

John also had a habit of saying odd things at the most inappropriate times. "You brood of vipers!" he would say. It confused a lot of people because none of them were ever snakes. They checked just to be sure. Yes, indeed, they were not snakes at all. But John called them vipers all the same, and oddly, there seemed to be a sincerity to his words that went beyond reason.

And yet through all this madness, there were those who consented to this bullying and madness. For it was believed that to be dunked underwater by a mad man was a type of bizarre penance. No one really liked being dunked by a crazy person, so it seemed fitting that it would be a just punishment for their sins. So even though it was clearly a bad idea, there were those who would accept their fate and allow this mad man to bully them while he spouted off madly.

"I baptize you with water for repentance!" he shouted as he dunked a poor fellow under, holding firmly to his hair. Yanking the victim up, John would gaze at the man with crazy eyes. In a deep tone, he would growl, "But he who is coming after me is mightier than I, whose sandals I am not worthy to carry."

"Really?" asked the nervous dunking victim.

"Yes!" screamed the mad man known as John. "And He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire!"

The wet man was surely nervous having just heard this lunacy, but at least he felt a bit cleansed of his past sins. This was good because he could start anew and sin as much as he pleased until the next time he would let a crazy person dunk him.

"Can I ask you one question?" he asked of the mad man.

"Ask and you shall have an answer," replied John.

"Did you just make up the word 'baptize'? I ask because I am pretty sure you're just dunking me and I'm unsure why it needs a fancy word to go with it."

"Sinner!" cried out John who repeatedly smashed the poor fellow's head over and over into the water until his sins were nothing but a memory. "Go forth and sin no more!" cried John tossing him away. The watered down fellow gave John a thumbs up which was, at the time, a fine Roman tradition that was catching on with all of the peasants.

But then there came a man who seemed to stand out a bit from all the onlookers. John looked up at this newcomer and seemed to pause. The man approached John and passed through the water until he stood before the mad man. Thusly he spoke, "I am here to be baptized." John hesitated.

God looked away from the table. "What's wrong?" asked Chris.

"I can't deal with this right now." replied God.

"What?" asked Chris.

"There's too much at stake. Horace, do something to amuse me."

"Like what?" asked Chris nervously.

"I don't know! Dance, pee on things, just do something!"

Chris was so nervous that he did not do much more than just stand there twitching. God gazed back at Mr. Nobody who was staring intently at the table. He looked back at Chris who was sweating profusely. God took Chris by the shoulders and said, "I'm afraid!" Chris looked into the eyes of God and saw far more than he ever wanted to see. It was the beginning of things. It was the end of things. It was the good and evil of the universe. Chris swooned and promptly passed out a moment later. To be continued.

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Thursday, November 29, 2018

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 20

In the beginning, Chris was found looking down at the table with surprise. "What the heck did you do?" he asked.

God walked in and pushed Chris away. "Don't touch anything, Percy! This is a really crucial part of the Line and I don't want you fiddling with it!"

"But, God, I don't understand!"

"That's because you're an idiot, Jamal. Just leave things to me. I'm working overtime right now, and I don't need my pet donkey screwing things up."

"Who is that man down there?" asked Chris.

"That would be my son. His name is Jesus. Remember the fellow that was always sitting quietly over there?"

"That's who he is? I always thought he was like... a statue or something."

God leaned a little against the edge of the table as he peered down onto its contents. "I'm a little bit on edge right now, Barney. There is a possibility that this might not go the way I want."

"Things haven't always gone the way you want," mentioned Chris. "In fact, they almost never go your way."

"Thanks for the recap, Matilda. But this particular experiment will actually decide everything else that is to come. If it fails... I might just end up wiping it all out."

Chris gulped. "Including me?"

"Probably," replied God. "A lot depends on this particular point on the Line."

"What will decide it?"

"Mr. Nobody will decide it for me. He has to approve of my son Jesus."

"Has he yet?"

"Not yet, and he isn't the least bit confident. Honestly, it's making me nervous as heck. I'm not getting any sleep. I've started taking pills. It's not been a very good day for me."

Chris looked on to God with surprise. "What's going on with you?"

"I just... can't stand... giving up any sort of control. This is my creation. It's my dream. It's my story. But for Mr. Nobody to be my guiding spirit, I have to bring him into it at this point." God pointed at the table. "This exact point. Right here where I'm pointing. This is the point which changes everything for the better or worse."

"How could it go bad?" asked Chris.

Jesus has been given the ability to choose between good and evil. I have completely relinquished my control of him. Mr. Nobody will be his judge. He will chose whether or not my son worthy. I will accept his decision completely. But for now... all I can do is just sit here. It's driving me nuts."

Chris then asked, "What will happen if he does accept Jesus?"

"Then Jesus will become the new standard... the new way. He will be the guiding principle and example for the rest of the Line."

"And you?"



"Yes," nodded God as he looked forward somewhat blankly. "It's what I want. It's really and truly all I ever wanted. I just... want... this experiment... to work. Please. Please just let it work. Just... please."

"He is being judged," said Mr. Nobody.

"All right," said God softly. "I await the verdict." A tear fell from God's eye as he sat very still... and waited. To be continued.

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Tuesday, November 27, 2018

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 19

In the beginning, God had a plan, but the plan never seemed to go his way. So he tried other plans. Those did not work either. Still, he never gave up. But finally, he came up with what he believed would be the real winner.

"Mind if I interrupt?" asked Lucifer.

"What?" asked God who was quite busy at the time leaning over the table. "Right now? Can't you see what I am trying to do here?"

"Yes, you're trying to get a virgin pregnant. Can it wait?"

God stood up with a groan. "What is it, Lucifer?"

"I wanted to express a bit of contempt."

"What about?"

"I'm beginning to feel that you and I are not seeing eye to eye on a good many things."

"That's because I'm much taller than you, Lucifer. Now can I get back to my business?"

"Yes, of course." God almost turned around but Lucifer held up a finger saying, "It's just that... the point of what I am often trying to make seems a bit lost on you lately."

God grunted a little as he turned back to his best angel. "You mean the part about how everybody should be totally equal and be a god like me? How we should destroy things to make more of something?"

"I think that I have already proven that my beliefs have born fruit. Remember what I did with that one planet?"

"Yes, you turned it into the Solar system's asteroid belt."

Lucifer corrected, "A very pretty asteroid belt, mind you."

"There were people on that planet. Remember?"

Lucifer rolled his eyes. "As if you actually care about a few billion people. You kill humans at a mere whim."

God groaned. "At least, I am a bit more creative about it. Also practical. That planet has been made entirely useless."

"It's still very pretty."


Lucifer sighed. "You just never seem to understand the genius of my arguments. I have so much to offer. It isn't fair that you simply dismiss my beliefs. The universe would be so much better if you simply accept that my friends and I identify as gods."

"You're angels though," said God furrowing his brow.

"But we identify as gods and the humans seem to accept that. Remember all the things we did in Egypt? They accepted us. They even accepted our offspring."

"Yeah, about that!" snapped God. "I really don't appreciate you fiddling about with the genetics of my favorite planet. It's been causing a lot of confusion and... quite frankly... it's in very bad taste."

"Says the man who is trying to impregnate a woman without her consent."

"This is different."

"How is it any different than what I have been doing?" asked Lucifer.

"What you have done has corrupted and destroyed genetic codes across the Line. What I am doing is an act of creation... ultimately."

"But the morality of it..."

"Everything I do is moral, Lucifer. I'm God. I could declare horrible things that people could not even possibly imagine, and each and every one of those declarations would be as righteous and moral as everything else I've done. You are in no place to judge me. I created you."

"I am not judging you, God," returned Lucifer. "I simply don't agree."

God chuckled. "Listen to you... using contractions in your sentence. Those are mine, you know. First thing I ever invented. Face it, Lucifer. You belong to me. I created you, and you will always find yourself as less than me. Try as you will to be more than you are, and you will always be a miserable and woefully pale imitation of myself."

"That was uncalled for," grumbled Lucifer who was getting a tad emotional.

"Just keep doing whatever bullshit you've been doing, Lucifer. It won't make you any better. It won't change the outcome. I shall always have the moral high ground over you. Now, if you will excuse me, I've got to knock up this innocent woman."

Lucifer raised his head with dignity as God turned back around to the table. The angel turned about and walked away to continue with his own plans. To be continued.

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Thursday, November 22, 2018

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 18

In the beginning, God approached Mr. Nobody with a very strange question, "What do you think of things?"

"Things?" returned the Holy Spirit.

"Yes. Things. Things so far. What do you think?"

"I am not a fan."

"I expected that answer," chuckled God.

"Then why did you ask?"

"I already knew you didn't like any of this. I understand you cannot relate to any of it either. I've decided to bring somebody into it that has been living in the shadows for quite some time. And it is my hope that you will assist him in his efforts."

"Who is it?"

God then pointed to a dark corner of a room. A man was sitting in the darkness as he seemed to have been since the beginning of the beginning which really did not even exist. Mr. Nobody gazed upon this shadowy person and asked, "I do not know him."

"Not yet. But when you finally do know him, it will be as if you always did."

The Holy Spirit leaned forward looking God directly in the eyes. "What are you about to do?"

"I am about to create humanity for the last time. And I am going to do it in a very peculiar way."

"What way?"

God pointed to the shadow man. "His way." He then pointed at Mr. Nobody. "And with your blessing."

"Your serious."

"Very serious. You didn't think this whole story was going to be a comedy, did you? And you actually do know who that person in now, don't you?"

"It's your son."

"That's right."

"I would never ask that you do what you are planning for him... even for my sake. The whole idea of it is horrible."

"But I shall do it. And all that I do shall be for that beautiful dance. Let's be honest, I have wronged you. I have made you miserable. I used one of your most endearing traits against you, for I knew that you would never stand up to me. It's time for me to step aside and allow your dance to take control of the Line until it is resolved. This is the moment man begins. And it begins with a sacrifice."

"That's horrible," said the Holy Spirit.

"But it is the right thing to do. And I shall do it. And when it is done, eternity will have a new king, and his way shall exemplify all that is you and your wonderful dance. It shall be the new way. I shall step aside and simply watch... and smile... as that wonderful dance becomes the centerpiece of my table. All that I do, I do for you."

"Whether I like it or not?" asked the Holy Spirit.


"Do what you must then," said Mr. Nobody. "And this time, I shall be the judge."

"You shall not be disappointed." To be continued.

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Tuesday, November 20, 2018

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 17

In the beginning, God left to get something to drink. He soon walked back into the room with the table on it. He was slurping on a soda and, at first, seemed completely normal. Chris was there standing in the same spot he always stood at, for he was not allowed to sit. It was at this very moment that God seemed to freeze up. He put the drink down on the table which snuffed out a rather interesting trinary system. Leaning over slightly, God pointed at Chris and asked, "What year is this?"

"What?" asked Chris.

"Just answer the question, Beavis."

"7BC?" replied Chris.

"Hmm," grumbled God. "Is that what you think?"

"Honestly, God, I'm not sure."

God sat down next to the table and sighed. "You know what, Dorian?"

"What's that?" asked Chris.

"I've come to a conclusion."


"I'm beginning to think you are a bit stupid." Chris was hurt by this, but God raised his hand. "No, don't start crying or anything. I'm not holding it against you. I made you stupid after all. I suppose it was fun to watch you act like a donkey once in a while."

Chris replied, "I don't really like being a donkey."

"Also part of the fun!" chuckled God. "But I think you lack the actual intelligence that most people of Earth actually have. You're an early model anyways. You're from a line that I wiped out for... what was it again?"

"I think you just did it to see if you could," whimpered Chris.

"Oh! Yes. That's right. Wow. You're really old, Horace. But then again, I don't think any of us are really all that old. We're still only in the beginning."

"The beginning?" asked Chris.

"Yes. In fact, you and I have always been here... in the beginning. Understand?"

"Not really. I thought it was 7BC."

"Yep. Still an idiot. Why don't we let the narrator explain things for us?"

Thank you. Now, as it happens, there are two major realms within utter existence: The Circle and the Line. God, Chris, Mr. Nobody, and Lucifer all existed within the realm of the Circle. The humans of earth such as Jonah and Moses all existed within the Line.

"Who is the narrator anyways?" asked Chris.

"He's just some idiot that figured out a few things about reality," replied God. "Doesn't really have the success to back any of it up, but when you're right, you're right. Please continue."

The Circle is as it sounds. It was in the shape of a circle, but all points of the Circle represented the beginning. The reason for this was because if you start at any point on a circle and follow it all the way around, it never really reaches an end. Yet... you still started somewhere, and that somewhere is always the beginning. God and Chris always resided at the beginning of things and the only reason Chris could not see this was because God was being mean to him.

"Or he's just an idiot," laughed God. "But please, continue."

Right. So you have the Circle which was in the shape of a circle. And within that circle there was a line. This line was actually called the Line. Unlike the Circle which had many beginnings, the Line only had one which was at the leftmost point.

"Why leftmost?" asked Chris.

God explained, "Left to right is a standard that I created, Bilbo. Leftmost begins and rightmost ends."

Yes. The point at the rightmost of the line was and is the ending of the Line. Where the Circle is an eternal creation, the Line is finite and will eventually disappear when the progression of time hits the rightmost point.

God remarked, "People may be surprised that I am actually just playing a video on my computer and the Line is just the progress bar. When it ends I'll probably never watch it again."

Now, as I had said, the Circle envelops the Line. What this means is that all points of the Line can be viewed or manipulated from the perspective of the Circle. God was capable of changing something on the far right end of the Line and then immediately fiddle with something on the left. Sometimes things done on the middle might actually cause things to happen earlier on. This was only possible through manipulation from the Circle, for people bound to the Line could only change things in one direction: from left to right."

"The only standard I allowed them," said God.

"Why only that?" asked Chris.

"Humans have a bad habit of wanting to erase history, Jordan. I don't think it would have been a good idea to actually give them the ability to do it. Nope. They only get to go in one direction, and that's final."

You may have trouble imagining it, but the perspective of those on the Circle... other than Chris'... was really quite fascinating. They were able to see the beginning and the end of everything happening on the Line. And presently a plan was being made to do something many might not expect.

"What is he talking about?" asked Chris.

"Simple, Brenda," grinned God. "I'm about to create the final line of humans."

"What? That doesn't make any sense. Isn't that them right there?"


"And you haven't made them yet?"


"How does that even make sense?"

"It doesn't make sense to you because you're an idiot," chuckled God. "The middle exists but the beginning is missing. I need to manipulate the middle of the Line in order to make the beginning make sense. It's all very complex stuff for you, I know. Don't worry. Just put on your feedbag and munch away. Something wonderful is about to happen, and after this... everything changes.

"But there is just one piece of this little paradox that I am going to need to make this work. And his name... is Mr. Nobody." To be continued.

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Thursday, November 15, 2018

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 16

In the beginning, there was a vase. It was a very pretty vase and belonged entirely to God. It was a gift from his favorite angel known as Lucifer. "I really like this thing," said God. "Ever since you gave it to me, I just cannot stop looking at it. I've been thinking about starting a little farm in it."

"A little farm?" asked Lucifer.

"Yes. Tiny little crops. Tiny little barn. Tiny little cows. Tiny little humans. A little blue flag right in the center. No goats. Can't leave humans alone with goats for even a day. Seriously, I just don't get it."

Lucifer nodded and replied, "I am happy you like your gift."

"Well you have always been good with gifts. It's weird because half the time you just spout off garbage, but then the gifts are really pretty."

"That is not the entire nature of my gift though," warned Lucifer.

"Eh? Oh wait. This is the part where you say and do stupid stuff again, isn't it?"

"Are you going to hear me out or not?"

God groaned and nodded. "Go on. I have five minutes."

Lucifer nodded and then took God's vase away from him. God raised an eyebrow as he watched. The angel then conjured a sledgehammer out of thin air. God's eyebrow raised all the more. And then, with all of his might, Lucifer brought the hammer down upon the vase so that it was shattered into many tiny pieces. God's eyebrow was just about floating off of his face as he saw this. Lucifer then proceeded to gather up all the pieces and placed them down before God. He stood there and smiled as if something great had occurred.

"Was that it?" asked God.

"Yes. Isn't it grand?"

"What? Giving me a gift and then smashing it to pieces?"

Lucifer sighed as he gestured to the rubble. "I have taken one thing and created many things from it. That is the true gift. Quantity. Many from one."

God sighed and covered his face in slight embarrassment. "Please tell me you are going somewhere with this, Lucifer."

"I shall attempt to enlighten you." The angel gestured once more to the rubble. "This was once a great thing owned by a great entity. But that was the problem. Why should you own such a great thing when everyone else lives without one?"

"Because you gave it to me," said God.

"And then I broke it to pieces," reminded Lucifer.


The angel raised a finger. "I'm not finished yet."

God despairingly rested his head in two open hands as he listened. Lucifer continued, "Now that there are many pieces, those pieces can now be given to those who did not have such things. The world shall be a better place for it."

"You're going to give the world garbage?" asked God.

"No, I am going to give them something far more valuable than garbage."

"Paper weights?"


God blinked and shook his head. "Wait, you agreed with me?"

Lucifer picked up one of the many pieces. "Everything has a use. Nothing is truly garbage. These little pieces still function regardless of their apparently broken forms. As a vase, it only benefited you, and you, as we all know, are merely the 1% of those who live within the universe. So I propose that life works much better if we break the wealth up into pieces and distribute what remains to all so that we all might be happy."

God gestured at the pile. "But its all broken!"

"I created quantity," stated Lucifer. "I took something you created and made more out of it."

"Wait... I created that vase?"

"Yes, I took it from your foyer just to make my point. I hope it was enlightening."

"I thought that thing looked familiar!" groaned God. "And what point did you make exactly?"

"I am also a creator. I can take what you make and create many from the one. All the pieces have use. They can be distribute to all people. We can all share in the wealth of God."

"But the things you... ugh... 'create' are... broken!"

"They merely exist in an altered state," explained Lucifer. "They are still useful to those who have them. Many people have paper that need to be weighted."

God groaned again. "Lucifer, do you actually hear the words that come out of your mouth? Do you even understand them?"

"I think that I understand them even more than you do."

"I AGREE!" snapped God. "I wholeheartedly agree. I don't understand even one iota of anything of what you said. And sadly, I am unsure if you are even capable of making me understand. It all sounds like garbage. Lucifer, you are not a creator. You are a tool. You live to serve me. If I want you to murder Chris, then you do it."

"Right now?"

"No, we're busy having a conversation right now. My point is that I sincerely feel that something has gone wrong with you. Nothing you say makes any sense."

"I am still right though. I shall prove it if you yet allow me to do so."

"Yes, fine," grumbled God. "Prove it. Prove everything. But know this: I am not happy with it. It is not the way things should be."

"I shall endeavor to prove you wrong," stated Lucifer.

"Fine," nodded God as Lucifer left his presence. God let out a depressed sigh. "Creation through destruction, he says. Everybody needs a paperweight, he says. Where did I go wrong with that guy?" To be continued.

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Tuesday, November 13, 2018

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt.15

In the beginning, there was a grave misunderstanding among the people of God. It was the simple fact that they thought that God could not see them if they did one of two things. The first being if they were to place a simple cardboard box above their heads. The second was to run so very fast that God would have difficulty keeping up with them. As it turned out neither of these were true, but the belief perpetuated till present day. One of the most notable examples in history had to do with the city of Nineveh.

"I just don't understand it, Ludwig," said God.

"What is it?' asked Chris.

"The thing with the goat. I mean just look at those two fellows right there. And the goat. And what they are doing to the goat. Don't they know the goat is too stupid to understand any of it?"

"It looks confused," observed Chris.

"It IS confused. It's just a goat. Why is my creation so broken? Serious, I don't even understand this sort of nonsense."

"Are you going to destroy them?"

"I'm thinking about it, Bosley. I'm really thinking about it. There's this whole thing with chainsaw-wielding bears that I wanted to try. The thing about it is that not everybody there is all that bad. There's a sort of tipping point happening. They just need a push in the right direction."

"What will you do?" asked Chris.

"Give me the telephone, Julie. I've got a plan to save those goats once and for all."

"Hello?" answered a man named Jonah.

"Yes, this is God. I need you to make a trip to Nineveh."

"What for?"

"I need you to go to Nineveh and tell them that they are all idiots. Tell them that if they don't leave the goats alone, I'll destroy them all... and in a very creative way this time, tell them."

"Um. I can't right now," replied Jonah.

"Why not?"

"Because... KSSH... Sorry the... KKSSSHHH... The line seems to be KKSSSHHH... Can't hear you... KKKSSSHHHH." Jonah quickly hung up and ran as fast as he could.

God hung up and looked down at his table. "What in the world is he doing?"

"Maybe he is trying to find a better working phone," suggested Chris.

God forced his eyes into slits before saying, "He was doing those sounds himself, wasn't he?"

Jonah had an amazing idea. He believed that if he could run just so fast, that God could not get a lock on him. He ran as fast as he could and was sure that he had achieved just enough speed, just enough zig-zagging, that God could not figure out his present position. He jumped onto a boat and quickly requested, "I need you to take me to wherever!"

"Why?" asked the captain.

"I'm trying to get away from God."

"Oh, good news," said the captain. "We have some cardboard boxes down in the hold. That should keep him from seeing you."

Jonah sure felt lucky to find the only cardboard box delivery ship in 760 BC. He ran down into the hold as fast as he could and encased his entire body into the biggest cardboard box he could find. The ship then set sail to Tarshish which was currently in dire need of biodegradable containers to put things into... apparently.

"Damn," said God as he looked at his table.

"What is it?" asked Chris curiously.

"I can't see Jonah anymore. He's hiding inside a cardboard box on board a ship that's traveling to Tarshish. Whatever will I do now?"

"You can't see him?"

"Not a bit of him, Lenny. I can't see how he is all curled up in a box, smiling, thinking about how he's bested me. I can't see any of that. Even though I just pretty much described it."

"You can actually see him, can't you?"

"Yep. And I'm about to rock the boat!"

It was then, and quite clearly recorded in our world's history, that god placed his mighty finger into the water surrounding the boat and began to make little circles, figure eights, and ziggy-zags. These designs might have looked pretty from high up, but to the poor ship traveling to Tarshish, it was like being in the middle of a great storm.

"What do we do?!" cried the captain. "If this ship is sunk, those poor people will never have anything to put things in when they get tired of looking at them! Egad! This is terrible!"

"It must be Jonah's fault!" mentioned a crewman. "He was running away from God. Maybe the cardboard trick doesn't really work!"

"It doesn't work?!" cried the captain. "But it seemed like such a clever idea! No matter! Bring him up to me and let him tell us what to do!"

And so Jonah was brought to the deck where he was told of the current problems. "It's me," admitted Jonah. "God's a little smarter than I took him for."

"What should we do?" asked the captain.

"Toss me overboard. It's the only way."

And so Jonah was tossed overboard and was soon swallowed up by a great fish... or maybe it was a whale. Actually it might have just been a giant fish.

"Who is to say that it wasn't a giant fish?" stated God. "I created entire planets. I think I can handle one unusually large fish."

"Herman Melville thought whales were fish," said Chris.

"Nobody asked you, Wilhelm."

Jonah spent three days and three nights in that fish/whale. It was not pleasant at all. In fact, it was downright uncomfortable. But through it all, Jonah was humbled. And upon hearing a phone ringing inside the belly, he picked it up and immediately knew who he was connected to. "Before you say anything at all, let me just say that I am a total idiot. I screwed up. Wow, did I screw up. I seriously thought I could hide from you. Now that I look at it in hindsight, it doesn't even make a bit of sense that I would even try. My mamma always said I was a nincompoop, and I now understand what she meant by it. I should have just done as you had told me. What can I say... Whoops."

"Close enough," said God. "Go on, fish! Vomit the idiot up!"

"The end!" added God proudly.

"The end?" Chris was confused. "But what happened?"

"Well it all worked out for the best, didn't it? Jonah went to Nineveh. He told them the error of their ways. They cut that weird goat stuff out."

"Just from him saying so?"

"Yep. And it's just about the only fish story in history anyone ever bothered believing. But if you had seen him covered in fish vomit, you'd believe him too."

"You planned for him to run from the beginning, didn't you?"

"Yes, Heather. It's true. I'm an asshole." To be continued.

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Looks kind of like a fish to me...

Thursday, November 8, 2018

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Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 14

In the beginning, God thought he knew what he was doing. But things did not always go his way. There were times that he could not look at his creations and so looked away to the only thing that he absolutely adored looking at.

"Why are you looking at me?" asked Mr. Nobody.

"Because I adore you," replied God.

"Why don't you look at your creation instead?"

"Because it's too depressing."

"You're depressed?"

"Incredibly. I think I may have turned the intelligence of the humans down a bit too much. I screwed up. I screwed up bad."

"Then why don't you do away with them?"

God shook his head. "I won't do that. Not even for you."

"Your people are suffering under the weight of their own stupidity. They created a god to worship themselves. They worked hard at making the thing... and then they worship it. Face the facts, God, you aren't very good at creating people."

"That isn't true," replied God. "I am very good at making people. I am not very good at keeping it consistent over many generations. I lose track of them as they breed and branch out."

"Then why continue?" asked Mr. Nobody.

"Because this is what I want."

"This?" asked the Holy Spirit while gesturing at the table. "Seriously? This? This is really what you want?"

"Please don't."

"Don't what? God, you have created a world filled with hopeless and selfish ingrates. You are obviously inept at it. Nothing good will come of this experiment and you know it. Why don't you just do what you are so good at and wipe it all clean?"

"And you along with it?"


"Stop it," groaned God.

"Stop what?"

"Stop telling me to wipe out my creation. Your very principles are why I won't do it."

"What are you saying?" asked Mr. Nobody.

"Your dance. Your dance is the whole reason this world has to continue on its course. You are the reason I do what I do."

"Rubbish. You are a petty and egotistical fool who only seeks to serve himself."

"Yes," replied God.


"Yes. I do this to serve myself. I cannot help it. It is who I am. But I am trying to make a creation that exceeds even me. I cannot do that without your guidance."

"Your creation is a failure," repeated the Holy Spirit. "End it."

"Stop it."

"Just end it!"

"I can't!" God cried. "It's mine! It's the only thing I have! Without it I have NOTHING! NOTHING! Do you even know what nothing is like?! No, you don't! You didn't even know yourself before I pulled you into this! It's horrible and boring!"

The Holy Spirit was not diminished by God's ire. "Nothing would be better than this pointless chaos!"

"It isn't easy!" shouted God. "This is the most difficult thing I have ever done! I am constantly surrounded by unexpected problems that seem nearly impossible to fix!"

"Then do away with it!" shouted Mr. Nobody.

"No! Don't take this away from me! It's all I have. It's all I ever wanted!"

"What do you want?"

"For it to end right! For there to be some point to all of this! That's all! They're all I have! Even most of my angels turned on me! Please, don't you turn on me too! I want this so bad! I don't want to give up! Please!"

"Yes," replied the Holy Spirit.


"I won't turn my back on you. Continue."

"You're backing me?"

"With all of my heart. But just understand that I will never, ever be satisfied until everything in the universe, including me, is wiped out."

God nodded slowly. "I can live with that." Mr. Nobody groaned. To be continued.

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Tuesday, November 6, 2018

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 13

In the beginning, there was man named Moses who surprised people at nearly every moment of his life. It seemed quite clear from the time of his birth that he was a friend to God himself. So much of a friend that God actually remembered his name.

"But how is that possible?" asked Chris.

"How is what possible?" returned God.

"Moses hasn't even visited you. How can he be such a good friend that you even remember his name?"

"Familiarity breed contempt, Jerry," returned God. "I like humans a lot more when I don't have to look at them. Everything I've heard of this man sounds pretty awesome. I've been lending him my power."

"How come?"

"Well, after killing millions of humans, I finally think they're ready to move on to better things. All they need is to know just how powerful I really am. Nothing wrong with a healthy dose of the fear of me to set people straight."

And Moses did many great things in the name of God. His main purpose was to liberate his people, that being the Israelites, from the Pharaoh of Egypt. Any normal man would not be very convincing in this argument, but Moses proved to be in touch with a being far greater than the Pharaoh and those who served him.

Chris remarked, "I'm surprised at how stubborn the Pharaoh is. Moses is bringing so many terrible plagues upon him. Why doesn't he just release the Israelites?"

"He can't," replied God.

"Why not?"

"It's simple, Ted. I won't let him. It's a lot more entertaining this way. Imagine a man who sits coldly upon his throne while the palace around him melts into slag. It's funny. I enjoy seeing him suffer while sitting there still in his pride."

"But meanwhile, Moses cannot free his people," said Chris.

"Yes, I know. Moses and I are in communication. There are steps that need to be taken in order to push the Pharaoh in just the right way. You forget, Jordan, that this will be a story that will be told for generations to come."

"You're writing a story?"

"Creation is a story. Now put back on your feedbag. You need your oats."

Moses stood before the Pharaoh who had fallen prostate upon the floor. "My son," he wept in anguish. "Your God has murdered my son."

"Yes, he did," said Moses. "I warned you of it. Why did you not heed my warning?"

"Just go!" cried the Pharaoh. "Take your people and go!"

"His son?!" asked Chris in shock. "You murdered his son?!"

"I murder a lot of people," smiled God. "I murder them as if it was the easiest thing in the universe. And you know what? It is. I presented the Pharaoh with a simple decision. All he had to do was what I wanted. I was pissed off when he turned me down. So I made sure he suffered for it. He'll always suffer for it. Did he really think he could best me? That little man who sits on that tiny throne? Who is he to me, Duncan?"

"He's nobody," muttered Chris.

"And his pain is not about to end so quickly. For his heart is still set against me. I've made sure of it. I'll take what little he has left and destroy it all right before his eyes. The Israelites will see who it is that Moses serves and know that they are truly small before he who is great. They will learn this lesson easily because I will be so bold, so forthright, that there will be no way that they will ever turn from me again! Behold! I shall allow Moses to part the Red Sea!"

And so Moses parted the Red Sea. Moses led his people through the opening of the water across dry land. As God had expected, the Pharaoh had changed his mind and sent his men into the parted waters to take his slaves back to Egypt.

"Aaaaaaaaand SPLAT!" shouted God. "And there he stands at the edge looking out across the Red Sea where all his men were promptly drowned. I can see into his mind, Humphrey. He knows entirely the error of his ways. He knows perfectly where he went wrong and wonders how he continued to act so stupidly to the bitter end."

"It was you," muttered Chris.

"Yes. The Pharaoh forgot that he was only one human within an entire creation made by me. Everything he ever had was given to him by me. And just as I had given it to him, I took it away."

"And what about the Israelites?" asked Chris.

"Oh, they are in the palm of my hand. I've been giving them food and fire and all sorts of nice things. And Moses is going up a hill to come see me."

"What for?" asked Chris.

"I'm gonna give them a set of laws. Things are looking up!"

"I shall return soon!" shouted Moses to his people. "I shall travel up this mountain where I shall be given commandments by God himself!"

"God lives up there?" asked Mendel.

"No," corrected Moses. "We're just meeting up there."

"How long will you be up there?" asked Samuel.

"Probably about 40 days. Really, I have to get going. This is God we're talking about. You shouldn't keep him waiting."

"Why will it take so long to write down a set of laws?" asked Uri.

"Yes. Why is that?" asked Chris.

"I don't have time to explain circle-to-line time dilation mechanics to a donkey," said God. "Just shut up and watch."

And so Moses ascended the hill, and in forty days he came back down holding the sacred tablets. He looked a mess and was frightfully sunburned. But he was pleased that it was all worth it in the end. God knew what he was doing after all. He had a plan.

"Oh, crap," said Uri. "Is that who I think it is?"

Everyone stopped and looked at Moses as he stood there holding the commandments that he had promised. There they were all giving offerings to a golden calf of which they had made themselves. It was awkward for a bit. Moses was the first to break the silence, "Seriously?"

"We can explain," said Mendel.

"We thought you died!" shouted someone from within the group. "And then we got bored and invented a new god!"

"It's a cow," said Samuel. "Yefet was talking about how he really loved milk, and we sort of all realized how much we love milk."

"You aren't mad at us, are you Moses?" asked Uri nervously.

Moses furrowed his brow. He raised up the tablets and...

"No. No," said God covering his eyes. "Something went wrong."

"¿Qué?" asked Chris.

"Oh, don't start that bull again! I'm going to go talk to Mr. Nobody for a while. I need a break. I need... to just... reconsider some things. I just... Wow. I don't even... Ugh!" To be continued.

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Thursday, November 1, 2018

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 12

In the beginning, God was yelled at all the time. The truth was that he never really cared. The only time he ever really did care was when the yelling came from Mr. Nobody. "Why are you yelling at me?" asked God. "I've only been taking care of business."

"Your way is stupid," replied the Holy Spirit.

"My way is righteous in all things. And besides, I promised you that I would not wipe out everything, and I didn't. I've only been wiping out small parts of my creation so that the stupid humans don't clean themselves out."

"I'm still angry with you," said Mr. Nobody.

"It was really bad!" cried God. "Did I tell you about the goat?!"

"No, its not that," said the Holy Spirit. "I didn't really mind it when you wiped out the people."

"Then what's the problem?"

"I'm talking about what you did with the Tower of Babel."

"That giant nipple?" asked God.

"Whatever. What you did was stupid."

"All I did was mess up their languages. It worked, didn't it?"

"You made things worse. The whole planet is confused now. People are forming up into tribes based on their languages. Your people are prideful of silly things. The entire experiment is now untenable."

"I don't think so," said God.

"How so?"

"Because I am God and I don't think so."

"That's not a reason," accused Mr. Nobody.

"It's the reason I am giving. Okay, so the decision to split the languages may have been... screwy."


"Yes, that's the word I'm using. Screwy. But if I am not allowed to destroy everything, I am having to fix things on the fly. Some decisions may have negative results, but I am confident in my ability to work things out over time."

"Do you even know what you are doing?" asked the Holy Spirit.

"Not a blasted thing, but that's where the excitement is, right?"

"No. It isn't exciting. It's awful. And if you knew what was best, you'd just wipe everything out and never start over again."

God shook his head. "Everybody deserves a little piece of your wonderful dance. I dearly want to give them this."

"It's my dance."

"Not anymore. But I still give you the credit for creating it."

"I did not create anything!" yelled Mr. Nobody. "I was just being me!"

"Yes, and what you are is the most wonderful thing in all of the cosmos! And I wanted it! I wanted it more than anything I have ever craved before in all of my existence! I wanted it and so I took it! And now that I have it, the universe that I have created will benefit from it!"

"Your people just started worshiping a golden calf."

"Yes, I know. I'm trying not to look." To be continued.

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Tuesday, October 30, 2018

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 11

"In the beginning," began God as he spoke to Chris, "I was perfectly fine with just wiping everything out when things did not go my way. Remember all those glorious days, Keegan?"

"I remember them," replied Chris. "I still got all the stains on my shirt."

"Yes, you do. I see that."

"Can I please change into something cleaner?"

"No. So my point is that I had a habit of just wiping things out, but I decided to stop doing that after meeting Mr. Nobody. But now there is a problem."

"What's the problem?" asked Chris.

"It's quite simple, Jerrod." God then yelled, "I'm just dying to do it again!"

"But you made a promise," warned Chris.

"Did you just warn me, Marty?"

"Um. No. Why would you say that?"

"The author of the blog clearly used the word 'warn'."

"He did?"


"I'm sorry."

God groaned. "The humans of this experiment are exceedingly stupid. And I know I promised myself that I wouldn't destroy it all again, but... I mean... Look at them! Look at these idiots! What are those men doing with that goat?! I just... I mean... WHAT?!"

Chris replied, "But if you made a promise not to destroy everything, maybe those things just have to happen for everything to eventually go right."

"It's a goat, Floyde!"

"I know but..." Chris paused. "Wait, what are you doing?"

God was standing over his table as he unzipped his pants. "Just taking a leak. I'll be done in about 40 days."


Chris caught God grumbling next to the table which was also the universe. "What's the matter, God?"

"The humans are being stupid again," God replied.

"What did they do this time?"

"They are building a giant nipple or something. No, actually I think they are trying to get up into this room."

"That would be impossible," reminded Chris.

"I know, but its the principle of it that bothers me. Who was the Nimrod who had this idea anyways?"

"Well, I wouldn't worry about it, God. They wouldn't really be able to make it anyways."

"What was that, Henry?"


"Say again?"

"¿Lo entiendes?"

God smiled. "Hey look! They're all giving up on the giant nipple! Isn't that great, Ludwig?!"





"They're at it again, Pamela!" shouted God.



"Sorry," frowned Chris. "What are they doing now?"

"Some place called Sodom. It's even worse than before. Look there. What is that? What are those two men doing? Don't they know anything about biology?! It doesn't work that way! How is he going to get pregnant?! AND THERE'S THAT GOAT AGAIN!"

Chris sighed. "Maybe they are just experimenting or something. I don't think they... Wait. What are you doing?"

God was shining a flashlight into a magnifying glass. "Hahahaha. Stupid ants." To be continued.

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