Monday, September 30, 2019

Fairy Tale Spotlight: The World's Shortest Fairy Tale?

I think the title of this blog may be a bit misleading. I considered writing the blog about this one last week but felt it was not up to my standards. But I suppose I must have reconsidered or else I would not be doing it now. This blog is not about the actual world's shortest fairy tale, as I really was not able to figure that one out. It is about a story that is actually called The World's Shortest Fairy Tale. But then... is it really a story?

The fairy tale in question could be considered more of a joke. In fact, I really think that's what it is intended to be. It has a swift set up, followed by an often lengthy punchline. I guess I better stop talking about it and just let you read it. It's pretty modern, but has been passed around so much that there is no way to identify the author. So... here ya go!

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl “Will you marry me?” The girl said, “NO!” And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

There is a version for females too, but it plays out about the same--even the farting part. Go figure. As you can see, this is a classic joke with the theme of a fairy tale. The main characters could almost be considered a prince and princess. But alas, the happy ending turns out a bit differently than your general Grimm story.

There are a few reasons I chose to finally write about this. That being:

1. Oral Tradition

2. Whispering Campaign Effect

3. Basis in reality.

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale was mainly passed around in the same way as the original fairy tales were... which was through oral tradition. They were, of course, printed into books and onto the internet through various mediums such as social media. You can pretty much find this fairy tale all over the internet, all written in slightly different ways by different people. It's true nature as a simple joke helps it go viral in a similar way as old tales.

The latter case also leads to something I often refer to as the Whispering Campaign Effect. When stories are passed around, they have a tendency to change. This isn't always because the person who heard the story did not understand it--although that can certainly happen--but that the story can sometimes simply be altered by the biases of the new writer. This is especially true as I am sure many women were ready to take revenge for the male version of the story and promptly write their own.

I have said before that I believe fairy tales do have a basis in reality, and so does this story/joke. It echos the frustrations the two sexes have with one another. Timeless really. Even Aesop had a few things to say on the matter. Of course, that led me to chuckle when I considered that the term fairy tale did not really apply--not technically. All the characters were just frustrated mortals dealing with mortal issues. So that's when I got an idea.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you The Real World's Shortest Fairy Tale!

Once upon a time, a beautiful fairy asked a mortal man to marry her, for she was so greatly in love with him. The man unfortunately said, "No." And so, the fairy retaliated by taking away the man's favorite "bone" and so used it to create a handsome golem who was three times his manly stature. The fairy and golem lived happily ever after while the man died somewhere unknown and woman-less.

The end.

So after reading this new version, is it still a joke? What do you think?

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Thursday, September 26, 2019

Fairy Tale Spotlight: The Child Who Tried Adulthood

Once there was a child who thought it would be nice to be an adult, and so he decided to go ahead and grow up. It was, after all, only a test run. If he didn't like it, he could always give it up.

Once the child was fully grown, he soon realized that there was a lot of work involved with adulthood. He got a job and paid bills. It was all very annoying to the boy. He had seen his parents and other adults do all these fun things while he was stuck doing boring child things. But as it turned out, being an adult was a lot more work.

And so the adult decided to be a child again. It was not hard to do. He simply stopped taking things seriously. He complained a lot and spent all of his money on fun things. Being an adult was no longer interesting to him.

The child was glad that he only bothered with adulthood on a trial basis. Now he was free to live his life the way he wanted. Oddly, the child was the only one who seemed to know he was a child. Everyone else still saw him as an adult. Didn't they get the memo?

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Monday, September 23, 2019

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Billy and the Attacking Underpants

Billy was having a difficult time at work. He showed up on time and came dressed as he was expected to. The first half of the day was not so bad, but it was the second half that gave him a bit of trouble. Now the thing that caused Billy so much trouble was a little embarrassing, but I'm not Billy, so I'm perfectly fine in describing what gave Billy so much trouble. And if Billy reads this, then it's really his problem to deal with henceforth. So let's begin.

During the latter half of his unfortunate day, Billy's underpants began to mercilessly attack him from underneath his work pants. This was, at least, how Billy saw it. The sad thing about this incident was that his underpants attacked him at precisely one and one-half hours before he could leave for the day. So he would have to endure it for an unbearable amount of time.

You may be wondering how underpants can attack someone. You see, Billy purchased his underpants at a store he once thought was reputable. It was the store everyone always went to, and the brand name for said underpants was well-known. So Billy really had no reason to doubt that these underpants were of good quality.

However, it was the case that these underpants ended up bunching up around his junk quite harshly. It was just a bit rough for the first twenty minutes or so, but by the thirty-mark, it was time to do a little straightening in the southern regions of his body. Only thing was... he couldn't really explain his problem to anyone. Billy had already taken one too many bathroom breaks that day. Going once again might need an explanation. How would Billy explain his situation to his fellow associates? This conundrum greatly upset Billy.

The only solution to the problem, as far as Billy was concerned, was that there was no solution at all. And besides, it was the underpants' fault. They were attacking him. They were the ones doing all the bunching. And beyond them, the producers of these underpants must be sitting somewhere with a grin on their collective faces, thinking about all the poor folk at work having their genitals tortured in front of everyone while they walk a bit funny for a time.

Billy wondered if it had been the intention to do this to him all along. Work was stressful enough in regular underpants; why should things get any worse? This was simply unacceptable, yet Billy had no choice but to accept it. And for the remainder of his shift, he walked about with a slightly wider stance to cope with his underpants' relentless assault. Eventually he was allowed to go home, where it wasn't such an unheard of thing to fix such a problem.

As I heard it, Billy never wore those underpants again. He even took the other pairs that came with the first set and tossed them away. He was angry at those underpants. They had utterly failed him. In the sanctity of his room, he swore that nobody should ever know about his humiliation... which is a shame since I've told the story anyways. Now everybody knows the story about how Billy's underpants attacked him. Now everybody knows why he was walking so funny that day. Now everybody knows the price Billy paid when he refused to solve a simple problem in order to save face.

If one looks even a bit further into this tale, they would find out how he tried to douse his injury with 91% isopropyl alcohol. It hurt. It really hurt. Poor Billy. Poor, poor Billy. He should have used Gold Bond. It would have, at least, prevented all that screaming he did once he got home. It's really too bad.

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Wednesday, September 18, 2019

Fairy Tale Spotlight: The Sick Stag

Ladies and gentleman, it is my pleasure to present to you one of the more obscure Aesop's Fairy Tales... The Sick Stag! Enjoy!

A Stag had fallen sick. He had just strength enough to gather some food and find a quiet clearing in the woods, where he lay down to wait until his strength should return. The Animals heard about the Stag's illness and came to ask after his health. Of course, they were all hungry, and helped themselves freely to the Stag's food; and as you would expect, the Stag soon starved to death.

I know what you're thinking. This is so cynical! Actually it's not cynical at all! It's explaining a very real problem that can happen with humans on a grand scale. It's a sort of madness that creeps into society when they have far too much time on their hands.

Whenever a culture gets complacent without needing to deal with any dangers for a while, they tend to go a little nutty. Read the book or watch the movie for 1984 if you wanna learn more about this. But just to be short, peace causes people to have wacky ideals.

Throughout history, human beings have occasionally made the mistake of being far too generous with people not of their kith and kin. They had these ideals that everyone in the world has enough good in them, and we should care for them when we can. But the truth is that there is evil out there. There's evil nearby too. If there were no evil, all crime would suddenly just stop. But it hasn't.

The stag here is assumed to only being generous with the other animals as he makes zero attempt to stop them in the story. He had a kind and giving heart, but what he did not seem to factor in was that the other animals simply did not give a damn about whether he lived or died. And so.... they ate all his food and left the stag to rot.

Let's have a look at the official moral which was tagged along with the story:

Good will is worth nothing unless it is accompanied by good acts.

The others beasts were only acting nice. It was all fake. However the stag suffers just as much of the blame unfortunately. We do need to act with open eyes whenever we help others. And we should help others when we can! Just be aware so that you are not just going to be taken advantage of. Aesop understood this waaaaay back in Ancient Greece. It is a problem that we have to this day. Don't let the predators of the world exploit our good will and destroy everything we love.

Thank you for reading my blog! Did you enjoy it? Either way, you can comment below, or you can email me at You can also visit my website at Check out my books! Thanks!

Tuesday, September 17, 2019

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Leonard the Goat

While I was doing research on something of a similar nature, demons actually, I ran across someone I never met within the infernal universe. His name was Leonard. At first I thought he was a satyr. He had the head of a goat and was anthropomorphic, but wait! Satyrs have particular characteristics that were not present here.

Satyrs don't always look like goats. Many times they have human heads but have a torso that resembles a caprican. They always have hooves for feet as well. I have noticed that some of them seem to be very short and others are very tall. Body types range from extremely skinny to very fat as well.

The problem with Leonard being a satyr is almost immediately notable with his feet. They are human feet. This makes Leonard resemble a Cynocephaly more than a satyr. He is a human with a realistic goat head resting upon his shoulders. As happy as I was that Anubis and Saint Christopher had a name given for their race, I have had just an awful time finding the name for what the goat-headed people were called. In my own mind, I have been labeling them "Caprica Sapiens." If any of you can find their proper name, please tell me.

One very unique aspect of Leonard was that he had three horns instead of two. Two long horns came out on either side and there was one "third-wheel" horn that jutted off in some direction. Lore also suggests that he was a bit of a fop (pretty boy) and would dress accordingly.

Now, Leonard the goat-man is widely accepted as a bonafide demon. His most enjoyed task was organizing orgies for his masters. (Not sure who his masters were at this point. In fact most of the time Leonard himself was referred to as Master Leonard.) But supposedly there were other demons allowed in this orgy, supposedly more demons than human or animal participants.

He was also notable as being very good at seducing women. He knew how to tickle their fancies and persuade them to go with him to a secluded place. A lot of the lore suggests a wilderness of some sort. I'm not sure what that means, but there you go.

[The next part gets a bit lewd.]

Apparently he would have sex with these women. I found a very specific bit that explained that his semen was cold. If the woman became pregnant, the child would be stillborn. Grizzly, I know. But the rabbit hole goes a bit deeper.

I was recently at a restaurant with a good friend of mine: a fellow author of great literature Shawn O'Toole. We had randomly began talking about the nature of vampires and werewolves. He was really interested in how these legends came to be in our history. He even looked to me for an answer. I only stared back in deep contemplation. I didn't know. But I was certainly just as curious. Either way, I am not the type to throw out baseless speculation based on my own imagination... so I said nothing.

It seems with Leonard here that we may have an answer. There seem to be a lot of connections between Leonard and werewolf legends. And if I could be honest, there seems to be a hint of vampirism as well. I mean... A suave, flirtatious lover? Cold semen? Stillborn children? What the heck is going on?

He seems to be a progenitor of werewolf lore as well. Some accounts of Leonard claimed he could turn into these beasts at certain times. Nothing about day or night, but still. This goat man may have been part of the origins of these legends, and it really does seem like he existed here on our plane for a good amount of time. I'm only just scraping the surface of this story, to be sure. But I had enough information to post about it.

As an aside, I also want to point out a rather obscure connection to Azazel. That scapegoat everyone talks about... the one that is sacrificed to pay for sins... There seems to be a few references pointing to Leonard as being the corporal aspect of the scapegoat, but the information on this is extremely vague.

I'm going to be keeping a close eye on Leonard in the future. He seems to be something of an enigma. I am extremely interested in him. I was really pleased to make the connections I did over the last few days. Stay tuned to this blog for more revelations into the very real fairy tale history of Planet Earth.

Thank you for reading my blog! Did you enjoy it? Either way, you can comment below, or you can email me at You can also visit my website at Check out my books! Thanks!

Thursday, September 12, 2019

Fairy Tale Spotlight: That Fascinating Madness

I was playing a rather charming video game the other day called Gravitas. It was about a mad artist, who built deadly puzzle rooms for people to play through on board a space station. At first, it seems more like a scientific endeavor on the part of the station's caretaker, but no... it really was just artistic expression.

You see, the man in charge--he might have been a robot; I'm not entirely sure--was completely off his rocker. He was alone in space with someone who may or may not be a ditsy robotic assistant. Either way, I was under his complete chaotic control, and I loved every moment of it. Additionally, as crazy as he was, he really did feel like an artist at work. Let me explain:

Artists are constantly struggling to take what is inside their brains and put it out for us to... appreciate. We may not like it. We may even hate it. But the artist isn't always creating for something to be liked. They may be trying to make you angry, afraid, sad, or a whole vast range of emotions. The artist is trying to poke you with a stick to see what you do. Of course, if the mad artist does not get the reaction he expects, it may confuse him and cause his next series of reactions to be a bit unpredictable.

Mad scientists have been a staple in popular fiction for a very long time. Alchemists of old were the predecessor to our modern day science crazies. They just seemed to be so untethered from societal norms. They break the rules in order to make their ideas a reality. Mad scientists are often mad artists. And we love them. We really do. Most of the time, we find ourselves rooting for them as a guilty pleasure.

We like the madness. We enjoy breaking free of oppressive society for the time. And maybe we wonder if their way might not be so bad. Things will get done at least. Sure people who get in his way may suffer the consequences of his unbridled artistry, but part of us may still want to see where it goes.

I am recommending the game Gravitas to anyone who wants a very fun and enjoyable mad artist experience. It made my day. Now, maybe if we can work together to form our own mad science, we can finally get rid of these pesky hurricanes. Yeah? Too crazy? I don't think so.

Gravitas is a 100% free game and can be found on Steam HERE. Enjoy!

Thank you for reading my blog! Did you enjoy it? Either way, you can comment below, or you can email me at You can also visit my website at Check out my books! Thanks!

Tuesday, September 10, 2019

Fairy Tale Spotlight: Stopping a Super Storm

I'm writing this before the hurricane hits, but it won't go out until whatever happens... happens. I am feeling slightly nostalgic over writing this. Last year, roughly around the same time, I wrote two Fairy Tale Spotlights about storms and how they were presented to us in fiction. It was more or less written as a vent because I was not looking forward to what I was going to have to deal with. It was bad too.

But something strange happened during those weeks we went without power. I ended up getting inspired to write Our Divine Comedy. And as strange as this may sound... it was worth it. I don't really regret what happened anymore. I only regret the presence of hurricanes at all.

I personally believe that storms like this are not normal. I really do think they are due to an imbalance brought upon us and sustained by evil forces. Our planet is just not in the best condition. And I'm not talking about rubbish global warming or anything like that. I am talking about evil forces that just want to keep us in check. Keep us cynical.

And besides, we give far too much credit to these storms than we should. We even name them. We give them human names. We talk about their power as if they even had the intelligence to use such power. It's just so stupid.

Hurricanes are the result of, firstly, evil forces who hate us and, secondly, a completely lack of effort in trying to stop them altogether. Stop a hurricane? Why not? This planet was conquered by humans. We went to the moon. We're thinking about Mars next. What can't we do?

Human beings are the cleverest, most industrious, creatures on this planet. We unfortunately hold ourselves back over silly things like fairness and equality. We are so busy making sure everybody is happy that we can't even get anything big done without a massive number of years for everything to get regulated and approved. And then most of the time these new ideas end up dying due to lack of interest anyways.

Not to mention there is a constant stream of words all telling us that certain things are just impossible. To that latter claim, I can only look to the fact that we went to the moon and call that line of thinking rubbish. Nothing is truly impossible. So many things throughout history were called impossible, and nearly all of those things were proven possible later. We can stop a super storm. We can do it in the same way we built civilization, went to the moon, and will eventually go to Mars. May the naysayers who hold us back be damned.

See you on the other side.

Thank you for reading my blog! Did you enjoy it? Either way, you can comment below, or you can email me at You can also visit my website at Check out my books! Thanks!

Wednesday, September 4, 2019

Fairy Tale Spotlight: The Fox and the Crow

Aesop's Fables time! I am pleased to present you with one of the first ones I ever read as a child, The Fox and the Crow! Enjoy!


One bright morning as the Fox was following his sharp nose through the wood in search of a bite to eat, he saw a Crow on the limb of a tree overhead. This was by no means the first Crow the Fox had ever seen. What caught his attention this time and made him stop for a second look, was that the lucky Crow held a bit of cheese in her beak.

"No need to search any farther," thought sly Master Fox. "Here is a dainty bite for my breakfast."

Up he trotted to the foot of the tree in which the Crow was sitting, and looking up admiringly, he cried, "Good-morning, beautiful creature!"

The Crow, her head cocked on one side, watched the Fox suspiciously. But she kept her beak tightly closed on the cheese and did not return his greeting.

"What a charming creature she is!" said the Fox. "How her feathers shine! What a beautiful form and what splendid wings! Such a wonderful Bird should have a very lovely voice, since everything else about her is so perfect. Could she sing just one song, I know I should hail her Queen of Birds."

Listening to these flattering words, the Crow forgot all her suspicion, and also her breakfast. She wanted very much to be called Queen of Birds. So she opened her beak wide to utter her loudest caw, and down fell the cheese straight into the Fox's open mouth.

"Thank you," said Master Fox sweetly, as he walked off. "Though it is cracked, you have a voice sure enough. But where are your wits?"


Not every Aesop's Fable gets a moral listed with it, but this one did... and I rather like it:

The flatterer lives at the expense of those who will listen to him.

I often bring up Aesop's Fables to back up my point that humans do not, in fact, evolve. We do not, in fact, change by the passing of time. We are exactly the same as we always have been since the recording of history had begun. Aesop's Fables can prove this point, at least, back to the time of ancient Greece.

My proof? Just read this fable. If you can relate to it in any way, and I sure do, then the point is perfectly made. Even today we encounter people who make decisions purely on how much their ego is stroked. Vanity is the downfall of many.

And this story is not the only proof of the samey-sameness of the human race throughout history. There are many, many other fables from ancient times that fit right in with a modern age. Let this particular one add to that evidence. You see this happening all the time. Our world hasn't change; it just got a little shinier!

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Monday, September 2, 2019

Fairy Tale Spotlight: The Book of Job

Ever read Job in the Bible? It is one of the most hilarious reads I ever encountered. Yes, Job. The one where God ruins a man's life to win a bet against Lucifer. That Job.

The book of Job is one of the many books that ultimately led me to refer to the Bible as a fairy tale. A true fairy tale. In this case, the book of Job greatly resembles the Grimm style of fairy tale. This is not necessarily due to its dark nature. In fact, as a rule, Grimm tales really weren't all that... grim. Hans Christian Andersen was more known for the real grim and depressing stuff.

The first section of the book of Job has a particular rhythm and comedy found in many Grimm stories. There is a section where bad things keep happening, a servant or somebody runs in to call out the event inexactly the same way each time, and this repeats in a series of three. Grim stories are known for their repetition and rhythm when presenting a crisis to the main protagonist.

The comedy of Job is found in this extremely irreverent repetition. The fact that the servants all deliver the news in exactly the same way each time lessens the seriousness of it and makes it come off as a silly moment. Notwithstanding the plight of Job, which was very real, the reader may find himself chuckling at the goofy comedy stylings of his servants as they blunder in through the door, one at a time, and give him the bad news in a timely fashion.

When repetition of this nature happened in Grimm stories, it would also read as a comedy moment. Not laugh-out-loud comedy, but more something to chuckle about. The mind may question, "Why is it happening in this way when things should be so serious?" It baffles the reader and so makes him react a bit more awkwardly than society may dictate for this disastrous situation.

Bad things do often come in threes, even in real life. We even expect it as a means to not get up our hopes. Who hasn't had a good ol' marathon of tragedy at certain points in their lives? You didn't think you'd make it through without a hitch, did ya? Just be glad it isn't God messing up your life... unless it is. I mean... when he gets involved, you probably won't stand a chance.

Unfortunately, the second half of the book of Job is a boring and heavily padded mess. It turns into a debate about how one should deal with God's inconceivable and uncontrollable acts against us. It goes on and on, and you would be better off just finding an abridged version of the debate. But the very end is still very interesting. It seems to be hinting, quite subtlety, that Job might be aware that there is more to God than just an old man who enjoys hurting us humans. That there might be another somewhere up there who knows him better than even he knows himself. I wonder who that person may be!

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