Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Spinoff, Part 4

The son of Manoah and his sadly unnamed wife was called Samson on the day of his birth. And he was a Nazarite to his people as had been the will of the Lord. But this Samson was no ordinary man, for he seemed gifted with great strength. As he grew up into a young man, there seemed that there was nothing Samson could not lift, bend, or break with ease.

God looked down upon this with a grin bigger than any grin he had ever had. So big was this grin that it threatened to sneak its way into other nearby faces that might be looking at him. For this reason, Chris ended up grinning without knowing why. Behold the mightily contagious grin of God!

“I love this man,” said God. “Look at him! He just killed four birds with one stone. That’s got to be a new record.” (This record was later broken by Ferdinand Finkleberg in 1634 when he managed to kill five birds with one stone, but it was later found out that he cheated by lacing cleverly hypnotized birds with explosives. And so the Samson record still stands.)

“Is that really a good test of strength?” asked Chris. “Sounds more like an accuracy challenge.”

“It’s both, Rebecca. But he’s doing a lot more than that. Strength is not always everything. He’s also a bully. Look there. That kid just picked on him for having long, girly hair. See what Samson did? That stupid kid just had his fifth helping of mud. That’s hilarious!”

“Sounds really gross,” said Chris.

“Oh, don’t worry, Boobie. I’ll let you try some mud in a bit, but I am too busy watching him tie all these boys up by their legs. Wow, he’s so cool!”

Samson really was a bully. He spent his entire childhood chasing and humiliating anyone who gave him any trouble at all. Sometimes he did it just for kicks. But then there came a day when he was a teenager that he suddenly felt the urge to marry a woman.

“You want to marry who?!” cried Manoah, and his nameless wife was nonetheless upset by his choice.

“You heard me!” cried Samsom who was already making a bow-tie for the event… and really failing bad at it.

“But she’s a dirty, heathenistic Philistine! She worships Dagon and everything! What can you possibly see in her?!”

“I see two things actually, and they are very big and bouncy,” replied the son who could not quite get the Winsor knot to work either.

The wife pressed herself to Manoah and asked, “Oh, husband, what do you think he means by that?!”

He glared at her. “Really?”

“I have made my decision!” shouted Samson who gave up on dress ties entirely. “I know that you are my parents and I love you both, but I will settle for no one else but her!” And although his parents were very distressed, they respected his wishes.

So Samson went to Timnah to go claim this woman of which he loved for two mysteriously bouncy reasons, and so came upon a lion. Now this lion was not here to mess anything up. He had just been out randomly looking for something he misplaced. When he saw Samson and his parents, he unfortunately jumped to the conclusion that it must have been them who had stolen his much prized ball of yarn. And so, as a way to reprimand them for being so ingenuous, the lion attacked them and attempted to kill them.

While Manoah and his wife screamed in fear, for they were likely about to die, Samson fell upon the lion and ripped off his head. And thus the poor lion never found his prized ball of yarn. A tragedy really.

A week later, Samson returned to Timnah to marry this woman who was just as nameless and his mother. But upon visiting the spot where the lion’s corpse still remained, he noticed that a hive of bees had taken residence within the carcass. Upon checking, Samson found that the lion was full of honey.

“The story takes a real sweet turn right here,” said God.

“Did you really just say that?” asked Chris.

“Yes,” said God with confidence.

To be continued.

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