Fairy Tale Spotlight: Our Divine Comedy, Pt. 21

In the beginning, there was man named John. He was a silly man who dressed funny and ate bugs for breakfast. He also was something of a bully who liked to dunk people's heads underwater. But for some reason, these things that he did were greater than those who dressed well and ate fancy dinners at home.

John also had a habit of saying odd things at the most inappropriate times. "You brood of vipers!" he would say. It confused a lot of people because none of them were ever snakes. They checked just to be sure. Yes, indeed, they were not snakes at all. But John called them vipers all the same, and oddly, there seemed to be a sincerity to his words that went beyond reason.

And yet through all this madness, there were those who consented to this bullying and madness. For it was believed that to be dunked underwater by a mad man was a type of bizarre penance. No one really liked being dunked by a crazy person, so it seemed fitting that it would be a just punishment for their sins. So even though it was clearly a bad idea, there were those who would accept their fate and allow this mad man to bully them while he spouted off madly.

"I baptize you with water for repentance!" he shouted as he dunked a poor fellow under, holding firmly to his hair. Yanking the victim up, John would gaze at the man with crazy eyes. In a deep tone, he would growl, "But he who is coming after me is mightier than I, whose sandals I am not worthy to carry."

"Really?" asked the nervous dunking victim.

"Yes!" screamed the mad man known as John. "And He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire!"

The wet man was surely nervous having just heard this lunacy, but at least he felt a bit cleansed of his past sins. This was good because he could start anew and sin as much as he pleased until the next time he would let a crazy person dunk him.

"Can I ask you one question?" he asked of the mad man.

"Ask and you shall have an answer," replied John.

"Did you just make up the word 'baptize'? I ask because I am pretty sure you're just dunking me and I'm unsure why it needs a fancy word to go with it."

"Sinner!" cried out John who repeatedly smashed the poor fellow's head over and over into the water until his sins were nothing but a memory. "Go forth and sin no more!" cried John tossing him away. The watered down fellow gave John a thumbs up which was, at the time, a fine Roman tradition that was catching on with all of the peasants.

But then there came a man who seemed to stand out a bit from all the onlookers. John looked up at this newcomer and seemed to pause. The man approached John and passed through the water until he stood before the mad man. Thusly he spoke, "I am here to be baptized." John hesitated.

God looked away from the table. "What's wrong?" asked Chris.

"I can't deal with this right now." replied God.

"What?" asked Chris.

"There's too much at stake. Horace, do something to amuse me."

"Like what?" asked Chris nervously.

"I don't know! Dance, pee on things, just do something!"

Chris was so nervous that he did not do much more than just stand there twitching. God gazed back at Mr. Nobody who was staring intently at the table. He looked back at Chris who was sweating profusely. God took Chris by the shoulders and said, "I'm afraid!" Chris looked into the eyes of God and saw far more than he ever wanted to see. It was the beginning of things. It was the end of things. It was the good and evil of the universe. Chris swooned and promptly passed out a moment later. To be continued.

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